The Happy Hobbyist

[mmgg 201]

If you are reading this far, you are like me... needing more Old Dog wisdom!

Thank you OD for a clearing up Q/A and making me laugh sooo much it hurts.

 

To the Ladies we "Love" I can only say "Thank You" for sharing. CERB is a safe and fun place to chat and connect. Im a newbie and have enjoyed sooo much, socials are a fun way to meet beautiful Ladies in a no pressure environment.

 

Again, OD you and CK keep us INFORMED while MisterT and Lonestar deserve a Thank You.

Keep the BLT Alive...simple

[Guest m*l**ie]

Hilarious thread!

[50 Shades Raven 31380]

What an amazing post.

The birthday thing, gotta love that one, especially when they ask for free!

& it ain't Walmart hun, we don't 'discount' cause someone else's rate is different, they could be offering lees or even more than I do. A rate is a rate.

Be polite, I am in my responses to you, I might not.be available on your schedule, I got my schedule, both have to fit.

 

Great post, loved reading (and learning from) the responses.

[Sandi Black 120]

This is a great help. Thank you peeps!

[CuriousMatt 660]

I have to say, I have been taught all my life to be early, as it is impolite to be late, so not being early goes against my life teachings but I understand the need for punctuality in this business and will govern myself accordingly.

 

I have taken the time to read all the posts although some made me laugh so hard that I did cry, they are really do get to the point. That being said, thanks OD and the other contributors. There was only one thing I don't remember seeing mentioned.

 

It is important to be on time. But it is just as important to leave on time. If the appointment is for 60 minutes, it really does not mean you can extend it to 90 minutes, that is not what no rush service means.

 

If you think you may like to have more time, this is especially true for those new to the hobby as you may not know what to expect, ask her what is her policy for time extensions are for this particular visit. I would recommend to always prepare a second envelope just in case.

 

From what I have read on this site the women are amazing, and it will be easy to get caught up and want to with them. Really the Boy Scouts really did have it right "Be Prepared"...

 

That being said, you must respect their time and schedule, if she may not be able to accommodate an extension for whatever reason respect it and be ready to leave when your time is up. She may have another rendez-vous after yours, or some other plans.

 

At the end of the day it comes down to R.E.S.P.E.C.T. (yes I can hear that song playing in my head right now!

[Brooklyn Scott 1224]

Too funny! Very well done!

 

Brooklyn

[kitty kat canada 120]

It is so sad how sooo many men out there are not using condoms. Actually I think it's quite gross. But there are sooo many people doing this. This is the 21 century, there is no need not to protect yourself and others. If we all do that would make each and everyone of our encounters nicer. They guys would show a little more respect and not have to question our choices. Condoms were made for a reason, not just birth control. At least in my books.

[peacectryguy 12547]

This is a great thread. I have laughed to the point of a painful gut. If there was an internet thread hall of fame, this baby would be a first ballot inductee. (sports metaphor, sorry). I love it and am amazed at the stories I hear from providers of men who haven't got the common sense to grasp what is mostly, a very simple concept.

One of the craziest things I've heard and I've heard it from a few ladies is the young guy who actually calls the provider and when his lame attempt at "negotiating" doesn't work, he has the idiotic nerve to say, "I'm a stallion and don't really have to pay for it, ya know." You called her, didn't you? Truly sad, when you think about it. Maybe it's the failing education system, I don't know.

[Old Dog 179138]

48. Lingerie leftovers

 

So.

 

Alotta Fagina and Anita Dickens-Hyde have left your home. You are spent. Three solid hours of cosplay, inflatable sheep, cookie dough debauchery, wrestling in a pudding filled wading pool and a film about donkeys have left you completely exhausted.

 

Three days later when you recover and have finally commenced the cleanup, you notice a sheer lacy bra and a pair of exquisitely silky panties on the periphery of the scene of your greatest triumph. They do not match.

 

What to do???

 

NO. Do not do that. That's just nasty.

 

No. That too is nasty, and yes, I thought of it too, BUT I STOPPED BEFORE I PUT THE PLAN IN ACTION. Sicko.

 

Yes. Yes you can wear the panties on your head for a brief time but ONLY if you pretend you are a masked Mexican wrestler OR the Silken Avenger.

 

Okay, you can also use the bra as a dual coned headdress or a really large ears for your Silken Avenger outfit. You are not allowed to use the bra to augment the Masked Mexican wrestler personna. That's just silly.

 

After you have done that. Make contact. Seriously. Don't wash the articles. Contact the providers and let them know that they have left the articles there. If they wish to retrieve them, keep them safe and do not cry when you have to let them go. If they don't, you have years of Silken Avenger adventures to keep the memories alive.

 

Oh... and don't let the providers know about the Silken Avenger, the Masked Mexican wrestler or the dual cone heads. That's our little secret.

 

 

49. Pancakes.

 

Did you know that you can eat these babies for supper AND serve them with bacon??? I was blissfully unaware of that until just recently.

 

I mean really. Pancakes, maple syrup and bacon all on the same plate and served willy nilly during the course of the day??? Revofuckinglutionary.

 

What does it have to do with the hobby?

 

Um... duh. Are you a hobbyist? Do you want to be happy??? Pancakes, maple syrup and bacon make this hobbyist very happy. It's not all about sex you freakin' pervert.

 

Unless you could mix it all up with an encounter. That would be AMAZEBALLS.

 

Sticky?? Sure.

Delicious? Absolutely.

Hygenic? Meh. Two outta three ain't bad.

 

50. Wolverines.

 

Nope. Don't even think about it. Hugh Jackman is ridiculously expensive to book for an encounter as your stunt double and live wolverines tend to pee, spray odiferous musk and are generally unwilling to take commands. They also have ill tempers and tend to be ummmm... bitey.

 

Trust me. Wolverines and encounters do not mix.

[peacectryguy 12547]

LMFAO, I love it and I agree, pancakes, maple syrup(the real stuff) and bacon are good anytime and almost anywhere.

[TashaTush 766]

You can even put the bacon IN THE PANCAKES!

 

 

[ThisIsSpartaaa 130]

Those rules are great and insanely funny !

[Tabbyd 100]

Lmfao. Thanks for that.

[Vicotr 100]

Wow, i like it, thanks

[oliviaphan 1165]

Once in a while you come to realize that so many of our members really don't "get" the whole hobby experience, or rather, they understand that there are rules but believe they are somehow exempt.

 

So let's help them. Let's give some handy tips to make this a more wonderful experience for all. This is a pleasant place so let's keep it constructive... and be aware that the rules shouldn't just be for clients, you can also add some helpful tips that may help a new provider too!

 

Here goes:

 

1. Appointment time is at 2:00 pm, what time do I arrive?

 

Ummmmm. Hmmmmm. What part of 2:00 pm is ambiguous? A 2 o'clock appointment means you are at her door at 2. Not 1:55, not 2:10. It's seems petty but when you screw up her schedule, you may be screwing up MY schedule. I may be the appointment at 3. I have things to do... and my schedule may not be as loosey goosey as yours. I may be using a very small window of time or I may have "commitments" that see me arriving like clockwork elsewhere. Regardless, when the little hand is at 2 and the big hand is at 12, be where you are supposed to be.

 

2. "I am awesomely wicked good in bed, and I often masturbate to pictures of myself nude, because I am that good looking. Can we negotiate a better rate?"

 

In a word, No. Would you go to a restaurant and say, "I am a really good eater, can I get a better price on that steak?" Would you go to a lawyer and say, "I am an awesome criminal, can you represent me for free?" Would you go to the dentist and say, "My teeth are so bad that you should fix them all for $50!"

 

A service provider gets paid at a set rate because she is a professional. She is good... no, not just good... wickedly awesome good, at what she does. Your part is the compensation, her part is the wicked awesome part. Pay the pretty lady and be happy.

 

3. Cleanliness is next to godliness.

 

Ever step into an elevator and stand next to someone who smells like they have never met a bar of soap they liked? Ever met someone that looked like they were an extra in the Walking Dead? Have you ever gone into a bathroom after someone and wondered if they ate something dead?

 

Step one. Go to the potty. Do your business. Wipe. Wipe again. Wipe again. and then, wipe again. Do the optical test. Last wipe. Is there any residue? If yes, start over. If no, then proceed to step two.

 

Step Two. Shower. Clean EVERYWHERE. Rinse. Repeat. Did you pay attention to anywhere in particular??? Hmmm??? Go back to those places. Make em sparkle. (at this point I do suggest that artificial glitter is NOT necessary.) Get out of the shower. Towel dry (for pete's sake use a clean towel!)... apply a generous amount of deodorant/anti-perspirant. Brush your teeth. (if additional grooming is required, please do that too.)

 

Step three. Clothing. Go to the place where you keep your clean clothes. No. Not the place where you put the stuff that you THINK you can wear again. The CLEAN clothes. You know that stuff that you just took from the dryer and folded nicely?? That's the stuff. Wear that shit.

 

Uh oh... what if I have to do step one again?? Then repeat ALL the steps. Cuz skidmarks are not sexy. Febreeze showers are not acceptable.

 

4. I have to cancel, what do I do?

 

Give your head a smack. With a hammer. Stop. Now take a pointy thing and stick it with great force into your upper thigh, avoiding the artery. Now, go to your car. Start it. Open the door, put your foot beneath a tire and have someone put that car in reverse.

 

Cancellations? NOT COOL. We all know that shit happens. A death in the family. A sick kid. Decapitation with farm machinery. Thermonuclear war. Explosion of your planet from a death star ray. That shit is acceptable.... but you still owe the pretty lady an explanation AND a cancellation fee.

 

When you cancel, providers don't eat. When providers don't eat they get distended bellies and look like kids from the CARE commercials.

 

When you cancel, providers give not only you, but also your city, a bad reputation. This makes you masturbate more. Because you will never get laid again. Ever. You will over develop muscles in only one arm. Your clothes will fit poorly. People will figure it out and suspect you are the notorious masturbating king of cancellations. They will hunt you down and kill your family. Let's keep little Bobby and Joanie safe.

 

If you make an appointment, keep that appointment. Your family will love you for it.

 

5. "I'm a little short on cash. Do you think she will notice if the envelope is a bit short?"

 

In a word, yes. She will also point out that your penis is a bit short.... and that your skill level is a bit short... and that you cry like a bitch when you have your pathetic little man-gasm. Do you want that??? Do YOU WANT THAT, bitch??? Wow. That was a bit over-emphatic. Gonna step away from the computer and take a valium.

 

BACK!!!!

 

Where were we... yes. Shorting your provider. Not COOL. Remember, providers have special powers. They communicate telepathically. As soon as you walk out that door, she will know and so will all of her allies in the super friends. They will combine their superpowers and make sure that you never get wood again.... and if you do, it will be at inappropriate times... like at funerals or family gatherings or when talking to your grandfather or something like that.

 

Seriously?? Give your head a shake. If you are short then GET the money and make sure you have it set aside BEFORE you book. You will have a wickedly awesome good time... just pay the pretty lady what you agreed to and enjoy!

 

6. Can I pay her in drugs?

 

Hmmmm. Does your banker take drugs in lieu of money? Have you offered Rogers drugs in return for their cable/home phone/cell phone/internet bundle? When you get groceries at Loblaws, do they have a special drawer that says "financial equivalent in drugs?"

 

You know the answer. "No, you addled-pated simpleton."

 

Remember the distended belly part from above? Providers take cash because cash buys groceries, pays bills and looks pretty. Carrying cash will not get you arrested. Using cash is the engine that runs our capitalist society.

 

"All you need is cash, cash is all you need." The Beatles sang that, I think.

 

Your turn....

This post is meaningful to us, SPs !

[Boku27 1487]

hi

 

Being really new to all this i just wanted to say thanks

for this thread

You will never truly know how much it helped.

[Shadz 1170]

Funny how the saying common sense isn't so common can be relatable to this thread.

 

After reading most of it my expressions went from laughing until tears came out to jaw dropping shock these things actually happen?!

[50 Shades Raven 31380]

I have to thank Old Dog for this, as ALL of it is so true when it comes to manners and etiquette.

 

We, as providers, get so many guys that do (or try to do) most of this, so please read and enjoy.

Manners and just general etiquette go such a long way in this market.

 

Once in a while you come to realize that so many of our members really don't "get" the whole hobby experience, or rather, they understand that there are rules but believe they are somehow exempt.

 

So let's help them. Let's give some handy tips to make this a more wonderful experience for all. This is a pleasant place so let's keep it constructive... and be aware that the rules shouldn't just be for clients, you can also add some helpful tips that may help a new provider too!

 

Here goes:

 

1. Appointment time is at 2:00 pm, what time do I arrive?

 

Ummmmm. Hmmmmm. What part of 2:00 pm is ambiguous? A 2 o'clock appointment means you are at her door at 2. Not 1:55, not 2:10. It's seems petty but when you screw up her schedule, you may be screwing up MY schedule. I may be the appointment at 3. I have things to do... and my schedule may not be as loosey goosey as yours. I may be using a very small window of time or I may have "commitments" that see me arriving like clockwork elsewhere. Regardless, when the little hand is at 2 and the big hand is at 12, be where you are supposed to be.

 

2. "I am awesomely wicked good in bed, and I often masturbate to pictures of myself nude, because I am that good looking. Can we negotiate a better rate?"

 

In a word, No. Would you go to a restaurant and say, "I am a really good eater, can I get a better price on that steak?" Would you go to a lawyer and say, "I am an awesome criminal, can you represent me for free?" Would you go to the dentist and say, "My teeth are so bad that you should fix them all for $50!"

 

A service provider gets paid at a set rate because she is a professional. She is good... no, not just good... wickedly awesome good, at what she does. Your part is the compensation, her part is the wicked awesome part. Pay the pretty lady and be happy.

 

3. Cleanliness is next to godliness.

 

Ever step into an elevator and stand next to someone who smells like they have never met a bar of soap they liked? Ever met someone that looked like they were an extra in the Walking Dead? Have you ever gone into a bathroom after someone and wondered if they ate something dead?

 

Step one. Go to the potty. Do your business. Wipe. Wipe again. Wipe again. and then, wipe again. Do the optical test. Last wipe. Is there any residue? If yes, start over. If no, then proceed to step two.

 

Step Two. Shower. Clean EVERYWHERE. Rinse. Repeat. Did you pay attention to anywhere in particular??? Hmmm??? Go back to those places. Make em sparkle. (at this point I do suggest that artificial glitter is NOT necessary.) Get out of the shower. Towel dry (for pete's sake use a clean towel!)... apply a generous amount of deodorant/anti-perspirant. Brush your teeth. (if additional grooming is required, please do that too.)

 

Step three. Clothing. Go to the place where you keep your clean clothes. No. Not the place where you put the stuff that you THINK you can wear again. The CLEAN clothes. You know that stuff that you just took from the dryer and folded nicely?? That's the stuff. Wear that shit.

 

Uh oh... what if I have to do step one again?? Then repeat ALL the steps. Cuz skidmarks are not sexy. Febreeze showers are not acceptable.

 

4. I have to cancel, what do I do?

 

Give your head a smack. With a hammer. Stop. Now take a pointy thing and stick it with great force into your upper thigh, avoiding the artery. Now, go to your car. Start it. Open the door, put your foot beneath a tire and have someone put that car in reverse.

 

Cancellations? NOT COOL. We all know that shit happens. A death in the family. A sick kid. Decapitation with farm machinery. Thermonuclear war. Explosion of your planet from a death star ray. That shit is acceptable.... but you still owe the pretty lady an explanation AND a cancellation fee.

 

When you cancel, providers don't eat. When providers don't eat they get distended bellies and look like kids from the CARE commercials.

 

When you cancel, providers give not only you, but also your city, a bad reputation. This makes you masturbate more. Because you will never get laid again. Ever. You will over develop muscles in only one arm. Your clothes will fit poorly. People will figure it out and suspect you are the notorious masturbating king of cancellations. They will hunt you down and kill your family. Let's keep little Bobby and Joanie safe.

 

If you make an appointment, keep that appointment. Your family will love you for it.

 

5. "I'm a little short on cash. Do you think she will notice if the envelope is a bit short?"

 

In a word, yes. She will also point out that your penis is a bit short.... and that your skill level is a bit short... and that you cry like a bitch when you have your pathetic little man-gasm. Do you want that??? Do YOU WANT THAT, bitch??? Wow. That was a bit over-emphatic. Gonna step away from the computer and take a valium.

 

BACK!!!!

 

Where were we... yes. Shorting your provider. Not COOL. Remember, providers have special powers. They communicate telepathically. As soon as you walk out that door, she will know and so will all of her allies in the super friends. They will combine their superpowers and make sure that you never get wood again.... and if you do, it will be at inappropriate times... like at funerals or family gatherings or when talking to your grandfather or something like that.

 

Seriously?? Give your head a shake. If you are short then GET the money and make sure you have it set aside BEFORE you book. You will have a wickedly awesome good time... just pay the pretty lady what you agreed to and enjoy!

 

6. Can I pay her in drugs?

 

Hmmmm. Does your banker take drugs in lieu of money? Have you offered Rogers drugs in return for their cable/home phone/cell phone/internet bundle? When you get groceries at Loblaws, do they have a special drawer that says "financial equivalent in drugs?"

 

You know the answer. "No, you addled-pated simpleton."

 

Remember the distended belly part from above? Providers take cash because cash buys groceries, pays bills and looks pretty. Carrying cash will not get you arrested. Using cash is the engine that runs our capitalist society.

 

"All you need is cash, cash is all you need." The Beatles sang that, I think.

 

Your turn....

[Guest]

Can I message my provider via email or text all day long to get a play by play on her day?

 

Well, no, no, you can't! She may be picking her nose, or scratching her ass and does not want to share that with you. Yes, yes, there's some things that are better left unsaid and a little mystery is a good thing. You really don't want to know that Jenise's best friend borrowed her favorite jeans and wont give them back. Or that your escort of choice is on her period, wants chocolate and has gas. How about she is taking a huge dump as you are texting her? Would you like to know about the details of that too? An email to book a date, with a little info, either to get to know, or update is sufficient. Also, one more email to finish the conversation is great. No, you don't need to email your escort of choice once a day, or all day long. Psst...that's intrusive and NOT charming. Let me tell you a little secret, it's just rude and if you want to have full access, you might see/hear things you don't want to. Between you and me, it's better to just see your companion of choice on the arranged date when both of you are prepared and in a good mood. I would take the fantasy over the reality. BTW, clients that don't understand what has been said here usually get banned and that's not fun for anyone.

 

No means No!

 

No means no. It doesn't mean yes, It doesn't mean maybe and it doesn't mean yes for later. Even if you ask 1000 plus times, it's still no. A day later, a week later, a year later... it's still no. If it's no you're not going to get what you want by asking for it over, and over and over again. You still won't get it if you are passive aggressive or flat out aggressive. You still won't get it if you compare one companion to another. That's great that Sally down the street does x, y, z, you may go see her. The answer's still no. Any manipulation tactics won't get you a yes, it's still no. You you can't take the answer no, you may be dealing with an unusually grumpy companion and that's just not fun. I mean if you want to be slapped around and you're into that kind of thing; there's some great Doms out there.

[Christy Valentine 300]

Lol..."does your Banker take DRUGS in LIEU of Money.."lol..love it <3

[vmagic 106]

The provider will not be able to eat of a person cancels? Better not be an issue at the rates they charge.

[casey 2936]

A very witty 101 for every beginner in this...A million thanks.

[Natalia Jolie 980]

One of the most informative posts I have tead, thank you for taking the time to write this.

[Veroniquemtl 1554]

Thank you for the thread! in my opinion:

 

1- Booking an appointment should be EASY! Ask for rates, service and restriction before setting a date. It's annoying when we set an appointment and provide you with the address to figure out later that you want X and Y services that are off the menu and now need to cancel. Don't be a time waster.

 

2- Don't ask if pics are real or if you can have more pics or face pics. I don't see why I person who uses fake pics would tell you they are fake anyway and in other cases YES pics are real.

 

3- Be on time, advise if you are going to be late (but don't be late!) and advise the girl if you can't make it. We rather know that you can't make it than just wait for you. Don't be a time waster

 

4- Donation first. Makes me a bit uncomfortable to have to ask for donation first and it breaks the mood a little. Just be a gentleman and put it on the table before you go in the shower... you can always leave a tip after if you are super satisfied! ;)

 

5- Reviews are appreciated!

 

Hope this help!

[Daisy Mae 2693]

The provider will not be able to eat of a person cancels? Better not be an issue at the rates they charge.

 

This may be said in jest so sorry if I misread, but in case it isn't:

 

It is unlikely a provider will physically be unable to eat if you cancel, but you have to understand YOU are providing the income. She's not paid hourly. There's no business to pay her. As well, you just ruined a chunk of her time that she can now no longer use for appointments unless maybe she miraculously gets a last minute call... but that's rare, so assume what you did was rip away her income for that day and then make it difficult to make back that money.

 

As well... providers charge high rates as this is a luxury service. It does not mean she's getting 10+ guys a day and a freaking millionaire. It could mean she's getting maybe one a day and living off essentially minimum wage. Who knows, and who cares... but the point is if you cancel, yes, you are hurting her financially... in more ways than just your missing payment.

 

Sadly too many gents do not understand this and throw hissy fits when asked for cancellation fees- sometimes shit happens and girls will let it slide but empathy should be felt if a girl asks for a cancellation fee. Many business make you pay them, so I find it odd the entitlement felt ESPECIALLY in this business. :/

 

And thanks to all the gents that do understand this conundrum and either cancel with enough time for the girl to replace your appointment, or pay a fee if it's too last minute. Y'all make the world go round. :)