Honesty, Discretion and Trust

[Midnite-Energies 110563]

Yes, this is the dreaded "L" word. Can you fall in love ... or at the very least, "deep like".

 

I think you can, and I think you can even achieve that within a client-SP relationship (As RG said in his earlier post). It's really hard, and probably pretty dangerous terrain. Lot's of potential for hurt feelings, wild emotions, misunderstandings. The simplicity of the intimacy found in the "typical" (I realize no encounter is "typical") gets replaced by deep emotional connections, which sometimes are fraught. And of course, I'm talking about the situation where both parties develop feelings, not where one does and the other does not.

 

Porthos

 

I have to comment on this as I find I have a different perspective. I believe in many different varieties and depths of love. I also believe that many of our problems concerning love is the way we were brought up, the way society views it and how as a whole it's pushed as this very strict thing. By that I mean we're taught that you can only love one person (intimately and romantically) and that if you stray from this recipe you are inviting disaster and it's wrong. If we were simply to follow our hearts and feel and do it in a way that is respectful of everyone (not hurting others, pushing our love on others etc) the world would be a much different place.

 

We have this expectation that one person needs to fulfill all our needs and that is JUST NOT POSSIBLE and more importantly, it puts unnecessary stresses on our relationships. Most people have friends to fill the gaps that a SO relationship doesn't meet but in many of these cases, you LOVE your friends. It's different than your SO sure, every relationship is but that doesn't diminish the emotions felt. Just like some of the relationships people talk about with an SP. The emotions are no less real and they are meeting a need not filled somewhere else. We should all have a commitment to ourselves to live life more fully, in the moment and happily which means having our needs met. Sometimes it's a case of can't or won't with an SO, sometimes it's just not there. Doesn't mean there still isn't love in the relationship but it's changed or is different.

 

It's when we start putting rules on relationships that we get in trouble. For example, if you believe that if you're in intimate love with someone it should be a 24/7 you may be imposing a very negative boundary on the relationship. Why can't you be in love with someone you see occasionally? The only boundaries relationships should have are the ones agreed on by the people involved. Monogamous, poly, married, SP, it doesn't matter, they are all relationships involving people which means the basics should be the same. Communication, respect, consensual, do no harm, support etc.

 

Sometimes it's not what we feel that's the problem, it's how we think!

[Athos 108589]

I have to comment on this as I find I have a different perspective. I believe in many different varieties and depths of love. I also believe that many of our problems concerning love is the way we were brought up, the way society views it and how as a whole it's pushed as this very strict thing. By that I mean we're taught that you can only love one person (intimately and romantically) and that if you stray from this recipe you are inviting disaster and it's wrong. If we were simply to follow our hearts and feel and do it in a way that is respectful of everyone (not hurting others, pushing our love on others etc) the world would be a much different place.

 

We have this expectation that one person needs to fulfill all our needs and that is JUST NOT POSSIBLE and more importantly, it puts unnecessary stresses on our relationships. Most people have friends to fill the gaps that a SO relationship doesn't meet but in many of these cases, you LOVE your friends. It's different than your SO sure, every relationship is but that doesn't diminish the emotions felt. Just like some of the relationships people talk about with an SP. The emotions are no less real and they are meeting a need not filled somewhere else. We should all have a commitment to ourselves to live life more fully, in the moment and happily which means having our needs met. Sometimes it's a case of can't or won't with an SO, sometimes it's just not there. Doesn't mean there still isn't love in the relationship but it's changed or is different.

 

It's when we start putting rules on relationships that we get in trouble. For example, if you believe that if you're in intimate love with someone it should be a 24/7 you may be imposing a very negative boundary on the relationship. Why can't you be in love with someone you see occasionally? The only boundaries relationships should have are the ones agreed on by the people involved. Monogamous, poly, married, SP, it doesn't matter, they are all relationships involving people which means the basics should be the same. Communication, respect, consensual, do no harm, support etc.

 

Sometimes it's not what we feel that's the problem, it's how we think!

 

I don't think we disagree at all. When I speak of the "dreaded L word" I mean it in the narrow societally accepted way ... love as defined in a certain way and largely in terms of monogomy. I think it's fully possible to love different people in different ways. And I even think it's possible to love multiple people in a romantic and deeply passionate way. It's not easy, but I think as humans our capacity to love is nearly infinite. The world would be a far better place if we could rid ourselves of all those societal hang-ups and realize that.

 

This thread connects with a lot of thinking I've been doing lately about my relationships with people in my life who are very important to me. So I'd like to thank everyone for their thoughtful comments.

[Frank7 3939]

love as defined in a certain way and largely in terms of monogomy. The world would be a far better place if we could rid ourselves of all those societal hang-ups and realize that.

 

There is already lots of people who don't fallow those social expectations. (open couples, swingers, polyarmori, etc) The problem isn't really the expectations, but the people who aren't honest about what they want and decide to enter a situation they know they won't like anyway.

 

Usually, those who aren't afraid to tell what they want end up being happier. :P