Heartbroken

[Fresh start 17467]

I've heard your first love is always the toughest one to lose. Does one ever get over it? Having been the only woman I've loved, which started out as highschool sweethearts weve been together for half my life now. Being in a sexless and non intimate marriage for last couple of years has slowly torn my heart. I still love her very much but I fear she has changed to much due to her illness and doesn't feel the same and never will again. I've been told many times I should just call it quits but Maybe I'm being naive, but I hope that she can love me again someday. The fear of trying to live a life alone without her is unbearable. I've lost most of my friends due to this complicated situation. Since family is not an option I ask you. I'm sure some of you know the pain I feel. Will it ever get better? I used to be able to take my wedding ring and hold it for hope and memories of the good times. Now I can't even look at without tearing up, brings back to many painfull memories now. Is this something I must get use too or does it eventually go away?

[CristyCurves 169032]

I have to be honest and say I have never been in that type of love. I have experienced love-for my family, friends, my fur babies-my dogs, but not a so. But clearly I can empathize and offer this. You are mourning the loss of something that once was, nothing stays the same. To sit and wait for something that once was is wasted time and energy. When in a relationship where feelings aren't being reciprocated feelings of resentment can arise making things worse and possibly add to her health issues and even damage yours. Move on, accept your friends back, fill your time and energy with positive things and people, these will help you heal and in time if she becomes more healthy and wants to share in a more balanced relationship with you, then if you are ready, you can accept her back. Hun, people change, life throws us unexpected hits. The true test is how you deal with those and you can still love her, but from a distance and you never know maybe there is another "truer" love out there just waiting for you:)Our hearts are delicate, but resilient, they do and can heal.

[IamaGeek 3664]

Your situation sounds remarkably and painfully close to mine. My wife and I have progressed to a different but still caring relationship. Of course, despite any similarities, all situations are different enough that they cannot necessarily be resolved in the same way.

 

I sympathize. PM me if you would like to talk.

[Guest S****r]

Many marriages are actually saved by seeing an escort. Perhaps yours could be one of them. This works when lack of sex and intimacy is the main problem.

 

In the end, all long term relationships are a trade off of various things. Does the good of staying in the marriage outweigh the frustrations? If so, perhaps an escort on the side can counter that balance even better. If not, then it may be time to call it quits and give yourself the opportunity to have happiness in the remaining years of your life.

 

I was devastated when my marriage broke up. Yet now, I can truly saying that I love my life again....even more than I did when married!

 

Take heart. Life does continually evolve.

 

All the best to you in your situation!

xo

[MightyPen 67414]

I've heard your first love is always the toughest one to lose. Does one ever get over it? ... Since family is not an option I ask you. I'm sure some of you know the pain I feel. Will it ever get better?

 

First, my heart goes out to you. I've known a version of some, though not all, of the things you're describing. I'm truly sorry your life's path has brought you to this unhappy point.

 

Second, it's VERY good that you're reaching out for advice, and CERB is a great community, but I don't think you can find what you really need here. You need to talk with someone, for a long time and in great detail, about:

 

- what's going on, exactly

- how you feel about all the various parts of it

- you're wife's circumstances and what has brought her to this point and how capable and likely she is to change

- and what's important to you

 

You can find a bit of solace and comfort through CERB but really you need to talk to a professional about this. Find a therapist for yourself; this is what they're for, and they can help you work through your thoughts and feelings on this. It's commendable that you're looking for help in this difficult time. I just advise you to go one step further and consult someone who can help you properly in this terribly complicated situation.

 

I can understand that for those who married young and built their whole lives as a couple, letting go of that vision and contemplating any other is deeply painful and terrifying. It challenges your entire perception of the world, your life, and your place in it. What I can tell you is that, unless you do something about it -- no it won't get better, it will just carry on, unfold into a crisis, or you'll become deadened and resigned to the situation. Don't let those things happen. With some professional gudance figure out what you really want next, and then make changes of some kind in line with what's really important to you.

 

You're not alone. Good luck and heartfelt best wishes.

[Old Dog 179138]

There was a song in the 70's... and the chorus had one line that resonates:

 

"the hardest part of love is letting go."

 

Thirteen years ago I was at the point in my life when I had to make that decision. I loved the ex... and part of me still does in different ways, but with the benefit of hindsight I can see that she was doing to me and what I was doing to myself. We each lost who we were when we started the relationship and had become strangers living together. What we had left was the comfort of our possessions and the uneasy sense of belonging to a "couple" regardless of how distant we had become.

 

I made the decision that I was not satisfied like that... and after discussing the status of our relationship and the need to improve it, she decided that she didn't want to try anymore. Of course at the time I was oblivious to the fact that she was in another "secret" relationship... so I left.

 

It hurt like hell. It felt like I had thrown away years of my life and that I was never going to feel part of anything that unique ever again. Then it happened. I discovered "me" again... and dammit, I like "me." I discovered that I had buried "me" so that I could be part of "us"... and frankly,by the end of the relationship, "us" sucked.

 

That was 13 years ago. I have been nearly married 3 times since... but in the end, I am a happier man than I have ever been in the past. My kids love "me." I love "me." My friends love "me."

 

You only have one go at life my friend. No need to live it in misery. Be strong. Make smart choices. Most important, decide to live your life happy and as yourself. It won't come easy, but then again, nothing in life that is worth having does come easy. Be strong!

[Jade-S (Retired) 19717]

I think the hardest part, honestly is holding on, to memories, to dreams, to love.

 

To what WAS rather than what IS. And those are the things that keep us holding on.

 

Some people are lucky enough the evolve, grow and change together. Though its not always the case. Some settle into comfort and are happy there even knowing its not the same.

 

There are a million different ways relationships survive, flourish or end. Every one unique, because no matter what two people are never the same.

 

I've always believed that it didn't matter, you always have the possibility of falling in love with someone again. I've seen it happen many times over, Because good or bad what you focus on, becomes true.

 

All that though being said. I think ultimately our hearts know whats right. And I think we hum and haw for months longer than we need to when we already made a decision. Only to make the decision we had already made to begin with.

 

 

Theres no right answer. Only the right answer for you. And All I can say is follow your heart....

[Two Thirty 1422]

You are grieving, and it hurts bad. Given the emotional investment you've put into your relationship, the grief and the hurt... both understandable. It's good that you are reaching out; and while this community can offer you some respite, we are also detached. So if you no longer have a close friend to confide in, seek professional help, someone who can coach you through your feelings to help you get to a point where you can make reasoned decisions for yourself. And by that I mean a point where both your heart and head can work together and make an informed choice. When you do get to that point, choose to be happy. After all, you gotta be able to love yourself first. Good luck.

[Athos 108589]

This is a thread that resonates very much for me. In many ways, I share the same, or at least similar experiences of many that have posted here.

 

My wife and I have been together for 25 years. She was the love of my life in many respects. We share similar interests, politics, passions. Our sex, at one time, was quite wonderful. A series of things ... stress, illness, back pain, children, exhaustion with life ... led us to drift apart from each other. We had great affection, but little passion. Sex was gone. It's been nearly 5 years since my wife and I made love, and probably 8 years since the time before that.

 

This, of course, was what led me to escorts. A familar path ... strip clubs first, massage parlours, escorts. I sought intimacy, but not love. Sometimes, I felt I had fallen in love Sometimes I actually had. I've had affairs, some of those were meaningless encounters at a weekend conference, some were deeply loving that lasted a significant amount of time.

 

I've been reflecting very seriously on what this means of late. I realize, that despite it all, i still love her best of all. To whatever extent you feel your life has become a "cage", don't look for escape from that cage elsewhere. There is, of course, nothing wrong with seeking out the company of service providers. Indeed, I think it is highly advisable. But don't think it will solve your problems. It will not. Look inward. You either need to escape and leave the cage, accept the situation, or fix it so that it doesn't feel like a cage anymore, but a home.

 

Empty83, as hard as it is, you need to talk to your wife about this. I found it nearly impossible to talk to my wife about this. Why, I don't know. Surely it should be easy to speak to the person closest to you in the world about sex and intimacy. But for some reason we were unable.

 

Ask you wife what her feelings are, if she still loves you and wants you. Today, after the kids left to school, I said to my wife that I loved her, and that I wanted to have sex with her, and it hurt me that we didn't. She said it hurt her that we didn't as well. And that she wanted it too. We both cried. Now we have to make it happen. If anyone has suggestions for low impact sex techniques for a woman with back pain I would be very interested in receiving them.

 

We tend, in our lives and in our loves, to assume far too much. Dialogue is hard. Especially when you are busy, or think you already know the answers, or fear the answers. Empty83, you already think she doesn't want you. Better to ask and know for sure, then live with the doubts and insecurities that not asking creates. I don't regret the wonderful lovers/loves I've met and enjoyed through this hobby. They have enriched me tremendously. And I don't think if I hadn't hobbied that my wife and I wouldn't have drifted apart. But, if one can drift apart, one can drift together again as well. The tide doesn't just go out, it comes back in.

 

As Jade has rightly said though, only you know what is right. I thought of leaving my wife many times. But there was always caring and affection. We were best friends, if not lovers. We had great kids, and a life that was both full and empty at the same time. We got busy, and focused on that to fill our time. That seemed enough. But recently I've realized just how fundamentally lonely and unhappy that made me. Thanks to someone else, a friend and former lover, who has had tremendous impact on me, I've realized that I couldn't go back to that loneliness. That I had to either leave, or make an attempt at fixing our home, to make it something other than a cage. To speak, rather than assuming, and see where things went. I'm glad I did.

 

Some overly emotional ramblings on a monday that seems full of possibilities that I didn't think existed a short while ago.

 

Porthos

[toklat77 4616]

Sometimes I ponder whether a person can have a long lasting relationship with another human being that can span decades and still have the spark to it in terms of intimacy, and sex and everything else that goes with a long term relationship? I have travelled quite extensively, been in long relationships, been in love, lost loves and had my heart broken too many times to count. Yet, I haven't really seen the long lasting relationship that I felt was healthy and still vital. I think one has to remember that humans up until the 20th century didn't usually live past 35 or 40 years of age and marriages were not that long. Today, if you're lucky you can live up into your 80's and maybe beyond and could be married for half a century or more, but I don't know if humans are mentally equipped to be with one person that long? People change over time and usually a couple in my experience doesn't grow or change at the same rate and that is where problems can arise. How many of us have heard of a couple splitting up once the kids grew up and left home? How fun is it to be in a sex less or love less marriage as well? I don't have the answers for all of this, but I feel that if a person is in a relationship and their needs aren't being met and their partner doesn't want to work on the problems or issues then it is time to part ways as life can be too short. I have seen too many people unhappy who are sticking out a relationship because of what others will think of them and are just plain miserable.

 

A person has to look out for themselves first because being miserable is a choice and a prison that nobody deserves to reside in.

[SamanthaEvans 166766]

There's a lot of wisdom in what's been posted here already and I don't have much to add except to say that there is enormous grace and blessing to be found in our relationships with people who have known and loved us for a long, long time. We all want passion. We yearn for transcendence. We want to feel as young and vital and sexy when we're in our 80s as we did, or should have, in our 20s. If so much life didn't get in the way, maybe we would!

 

Love is a complex glory. I think we have considerable responsibility for those we love and for those who love us, too. The personal vulnerability and openness that's part of such intimacy is enormous and doesn't come easily to anyone. I think it's harder to achieve it the older we are, in many ways.

 

I agree with MightyPen about finding a good counsellor to help you sort out what you feel and think, what you need and what's possible. I also agree with Porthos: you should talk to your wife about how you feel. Maybe the counsellor can help you do it if it seems like too big a task to do without some support. I would advise Porthos to take his wife away somewhere lovely on vacation. A romantic time in a beautiful setting can be very healing for all of us. Maybe something like this would help you, too, Empty83.

 

And even if sex isn't possible, because of illness or inability, I think that what most of us want is genuine, intimate connection with another person who truly knows us. Sex is one way to achieve it, but it's not the only way. Long talks, especially when we really focus on listening intently, finding ways to be overt about recognizing the other person and celebrate their contribution to our lives every day--things like that can help strengthen the bonds that have weakened between us. Everyone wants to be loved. Most of all, we generally want to be loved by someone who knows us very well and loves us anyway.

 

And by all means, spend some time with one of us, or even several of us. We're not going to create problems in your life. But be very careful. Right now would be a very bad time to fall in love with the wrong woman, see? Be playful, be engaging, try out something new, but when the encounter is over, close the door on it and walk away.

 

Wishing you much peace,

Samantha

[Guest S****r]

I soooooo agree with Old Dog on this:

 

It felt like I had thrown away years of my life and that I was never going to feel part of anything that unique ever again. Then it happened. I discovered "me" again... and dammit, I like "me." I discovered that I had buried "me" so that I could be part of "us"... and frankly,by the end of the relationship, "us" sucked.

 

... but in the end, I am a happier man than I have ever been in the past. My kids love "me." I love "me." My friends love "me."

 

I am actually now very grateful for having discovered and experienced this before my life ended, or before I was too old to enjoy it all! Life has turned out to be something quite wonderful again!

 

and dammit, I like "me" too!

[PhantomKnight 7914]

It's a rough situation and we all deal with it differently.

 

The girl of my dreams, my best friend and ex fiancée had left me a week or two after I returned from Afghanistan.

 

While I'm married now and living a completely different life. That pain is always carried with me. She was the love of my life and always will be the woman I wanted to marry.

 

In my opinion. If she's the love of your life. Hold on dear to it, because life without it, just isn't as awesome. Once she's gone. You might regret it for the rest of your life. Maybe seek different ways to cope. SP's and maybe couples counselling.

 

Just my 2 cents!

[Frank7 3939]

Like a few others said, I'd suggest talking to her. Seems you really care for her and don't want to lose her. So the only problem is sex? Talking will help know what she's thinking and if there's no sex because of a misunderstanding, because she doesn't want it or because she can't.

 

If she can't but you both love and take care of each others, she might give you permission to seek sex elsewhere. It's the case for 1-2 cerbies from what I've read.

Goodluck and I wish you the best.

 

 

@porthos: I'm no expert, specialy for a women's point of view....but wouldn't your SO being on top and taking the lead help? If she's doing the pounding, she could control it and make sure it doesn't hurt her back.

Of course, there's also oral sex and other non-intercourse acts, but you probably already though of that.

[RoddyThomas 2746]

I am sorry to hear about your situation. I had a relationship with a lovely girl that was everything to me. She was bright, sexy, and the sweetest human being I have ever met. She took ill, and after a 8 month battle passed on from C.M.L. (chronic myelogenous leukemia). After 6-7 months she wouldn't let me visit her anymore in the hospital. I had to yahoo messenger/phone communicate with her. She didn't want me to remember her as a sickly pale balding woman, but as the vivacious girl who would hide on me and tackle me, prompting a hysterical playfight. I am still angry about her not allowing me to visit her. My duty as I see it, as her man, was to be by her side. This was many years ago, and I still miss her everyday. I often say "goodnight" to her as I climb into bed. I hope that's not too weird...

 

I do not know what illness is interfering with your relationship. I hope I am not overstepping to say forgive her. Illness can really change a person, and it is against their will. You asked does it get better. Yes. The sharpness of the pain subsides somewhat, but you will never forget....

 

I wish you and your wife all the best and I hope you can be happy again.

[piano8950 32577]

It's such a cliche, but time does heal. But you need to will yourself as well. I was in love with a girl for longer than I should have. When I cut her off from my life, I wanted to run back, because even though I knew I wouldn't be happy, it was familiar. The first few months, I missed the good parts. I gained a lot of weight, lost a lot of confidence, and went inwards. I couldn't be in my own mind because I'd torture myself, so I did everything to distract myself.

 

I had enough, and started to do things that made me feel better about myself. A year gone, I do think of her, but I don't have that sharp pain through my heart when I think of love lost. I smile at the good parts, and remember the bad parts as a reminder of what went wrong, and how to avoid it in the future.

 

I cannot compare my situation with those who married their love, had children with them, and now facing an uncertain future without them. But despite my comparatively lower experience in matters of love and loss, I truly think that whoever you are, you have the ability to make yourself happy again. No matter how inconceivable it may look like today.

[oldblueeyez 15475]

My first great blowjob made me forget my first great love.

[CristyCurves 169032]

This is for you Empty

 

Smile though your heart is aching

Smile even though its breaking

Smile, when there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by

if you smile,... there will be tomorrow

Smile, and there'll be no more sorrow

Smile, you'll see the sun come shining through

if you smile......

Light up your face with gladness

hide every trace of sadness

Smile, although a tear maybe ever so near

That's the time, you must keep on trying

Smile, what's the use of crying?

You'll find life is worthwhile

If you'll just smile

 

Judy Garland sang this so well. I hope you find these words comforting-hugs

[touchwould2 727]

Some really wonderful, deeply intelligent people on this board. A real pleasure making your acquaintance.

 

Cristycurves in another thread tonight asks how we know when we're dealing with good people, or how we know when we ourselves are deserving of that sort of definition.

 

I think goodness is more easily seen when shown, then when described directly, and the discussion on this thread, by way of it's insight and sincerity around love and its joys and complications and difficulties, shines very brightly indeed.

 

i hope it's offering you and others much hope and inspiration Empty83. I know for myself, seeing my own sensibilities mirrored here on this thread so well, helps to reinforce the strength of my own convictions.

[Tsukiyo_Chevalier 3242]

you can always try and work things out, just talk or get help. The pain will never completely go away if things do not work out, i know this from personal issues as i like most people who posted here have lost someone who i loved very much. even to this day i still wonder if there was things i should have done but you cannot change the past or live in it.

 

I will wish you all the best in what is going on in your life, i know it will be hard in what ever you do. make sure to keep a good friend and social group and have someone to talk to as it will help a lot :)

 

all the best.

[Athos 108589]

It's interesting to think about the nature of love and reflect on the "great loves" of our lives.

 

I think that I have loved, in a true sense, 5 women. I have, of course, been infatuated with many and lusted after many more. Two of those relationships were the sort of incredibly volatile relatoinship that takes you to such pinnacles of joy, but also plummets you to such depths of unhappiness. My first great love was like this. It lasted 4 years, and those years were some of the best of my life, and some of the worst. Even today I love that woman. And if she showed up on my doorstep and said she wanted me, I might very well go with her (at least for the night). This relationship, I might add, took place over 25 years ago.

 

My wife, by contrast, has always been a quiet and gentle sort of love. There has never been the ups and downs. We grew into our love, easily and gently. I don't think we've ever had a real fight or serious disagreement. Sometimes I think we don't because I just tend to defer and give in. But in retrospect, it really is because there are very few things that truly separate us. It is, perhaps, easy to think there is something missing in this sort of relationship, and sometimes perhaps there is, that it lacks the intensity or passion of great and epic love. As a result, perhaps we think too quickly that we should be seeking something else.

 

We have such romanticized notions of love. That it must be this huge, totalizing thing; that it takes your breath away and leaves you dizzy with excitement and anticipation. Sometimes that is true, but that sort of love needs to settle, or ultimately it is unsustainable. Sometimes, it strikes me, it is necessary to rethink what we mean by love, to understand that it comes in many forms, and that even our ideals of "romantic love" can be highly variable. What works for one person, doesn't necessarily work for someone else.

 

Of course, within that context, for clients ... seeing SPs requires us travelling the boundary between love, intimacy, desire, lust. Physical needs and emotional needs become intertwined. Dangerous terrain, particularly for those questioning their relationships or looking for something more or different than what they have. And of course, this describes the situation of many clients, although certainly not all.

 

Good luck Empty83 ... travel carefully and travel well.

 

Porthos

[Fresh start 17467]

I want to thank you all for your advice and support its really appreciated. Even though I've exhausted most of my options, call me naive but I still have hope.

Talking to her and explaining how I feel was one of the first things I've tried. Not sure if her sickness has diminished her comprehension or caring. Unfortunately it has changed her to the point where she is almost a different person. As for couples therapy it has help me be more understanding and forgiving towards her but unfortunately it requires both of our efforts and to no avail wether its due to her sickness she cannot seem to commit and to learn to forgive and forget the painful memories we share. The loss of an unborn child and to abort a second due to her unknown illness has been tough on the both of us but I think perhaps she is not healed from that yet and the fact her illness is still unknown.

 

My biggest help through this ordeal has been therapy by a professional and hobbying. Not sure which has been more costly but both equally important in getting through. So many benefits in this hobby, mind, body and spirit. I get the touching, caressing and intimacy I need which help wonders mentally. Lets face orgasm is awesome and great for the body and spirit. It's just too bad only one is covered by insurance and is tax deductible. Thanks you ladies you make my life that much easier and better without these key components I would be able to cope. Forever great full

[MissMadisonxox 718]

Mending a brokenheart can be difficult... though everything falls apart so something better can fall into place xoxo

[Guest *Ste***cque**]

I understand why you would go to this community with your dilemma, since several of us are in similar boats. You have my sympathies and if you find a solution, let me know... please. :) I'll do the same if I find an answer before you do.

 

Maybe it's just me but I think many men don't like confrontation and as a result we let things continue when they aren't working for us. Although you seem to be taking positive action by seeking therapy, so congratulations on that! It's tougher too when you can't talk to friends or family about it. You can feel all alone. You're not. I'm struggling with a similar situation.

 

In my case I can't see myself leaving as I still feel loved, just not in a sexual way. I can't recommend what is right for you. You'll work that out hopefully once you know what you can live with and what you can't live without. You seem like a fighter so good luck!