Question regarding conversations on a date.

[Meg O'Ryan 266444]

I have had numerous dates that involved nice long chats. I don't know how I should handle someone who is getting too personal. I don't mind when they talk about themselves but I am very uncomfortable when I get "grilled" about my private life. Is this usual? How do I respond?

 

This was the first time I felt uncomfortable. He kept asking questions and making inuendos that he did not believe my answers.

 

I would appreciate any experiences you have had or any advice :)

[cat 262460]

Gently suggest that there are more interesting things to talk about, I find a kiss ends the uncomfortable questions...

 

cat

[Meg O'Ryan 266444]

thank you :) great advice

[m**k 153]

I have had numerous dates that involved nice long chats. I don't know how I should handle someone who is getting too personal. I don't mind when they talk about themselves but I am very uncomfortable when I get "grilled" about my private life. Is this usual? How do I respond?

 

This was the first time I felt uncomfortable. He kept asking questions and making inuendos that he did not believe my answers.

 

I would appreciate any experiences you have had or any advice :)

 

It is not usual, even in everyday conversations...the best way to respond is to create a diversion, as Cat suggests, a kiss may work, but a slap in the back of the head may be more effective:roll:. Kidding aside, a playful slap on the ass with a bit of humour to cut it out with the 20 questions should be enough to change the subject.

 

It is expected that small talk will lead to personal questions. While everyone has a different level of comfort sharing, no one needs to feel uncomfortable. You would be entirely justified in setting boundaries clearly when/if this occurs again.

[Meg O'Ryan 266444]

LOL thanks!

[Winnipegcub 21293]

Now that explains all the affection last time with an Ott SP. And I actually thought she was having a good time. Just kidding of course - I think we are both big kissing fans!

Gently suggest that there are more interesting things to talk about, I find a kiss ends the uncomfortable questions...

 

cat

[buggernot 588]

That's how some people relate to others, but I'm sure if you just playfully dismiss it with a smile, your point will be taken in a pleasant way. Most guys understand you have a boundary and that's that.

[Meg O'Ryan 266444]

Don't get me wrong, I do want to relate but pushy questions can easily make one feel insecure and perhaps even a bit unsafe! There is conversation and then there is inquisition! :)

[buggernot 588]

Well for sure...you don't connect with people talking about the weather. No doubt I've inadvertently crossed the line myself at times, especially when I first started. Sometimes a conversation leads that way.

 

But every guy needs to respect the fact that things like your family or why you're doing this or whatever is none of their business if you don't want it to be. If they get pushy, that's just as rude as asking for a service you don't offer.

[O*****C***G*** 100]

That's how some people relate to others, but I'm sure if you just playfully dismiss it with a smile, your point will be taken in a pleasant way. Most guys understand you have a boundary and that's that.

 

Hmm, I generally just smile and say something funny in a cute way like "wouldn't you like to know!" and then do something to change the topic. A playful little slap on the tummy, butt or back of the head works too :) Though I like when guys talk about their personal life - I find it interesting.

[jerican 657]

Don't get me wrong, I do want to relate but pushy questions can easily make one feel insecure and perhaps even a bit unsafe! There is conversation and then there is inquisition! :)

 

Honestly Meg You should never feel bad if you don't want to discuss certain things. It is all about comfort and respect, if you do not feel comfortable with where a conversation is leading follow your gut feeling and stick to it.

 

People in an office setting won't ask personal details about someones income or what their personal life is all about until they know each other incredibly well...this industry is even more secretive, simply to protect ourselves and everyone should understand limits and take polite distractions to heart as a signal to back off.

 

Hmm, I generally just smile and say something funny in a cute way like "wouldn't you like to know!" and then do something to change the topic. A playful little slap on the tummy, butt or back of the head works too :) Though I like when guys talk about their personal life - I find it interesting.

 

It goes both ways, I am sure most of us hobbyists don't immediately jump in with I work at X and Live with Y and like to Z right away. Again it is about that comfort level and respect you can build up and ensuring you get a good feeling about the other person. If you never want to reveal personal facts, you never should. There are some I have shared some of my personal life with and others that I just haven't felt it was quite right to.

 

As far as distractions go things like 'let's not ruin the mystery', 'what do you think' or simply we don't want to spoil the mood' would be good ideas. At the end of the day you have as much or more to lose then the person asking the questions and you need to protect yourself especially if they are being too pushy, some times it may be time to just be direct, but in a nice way.:wink:

 

Good luck, you seem to have a great personality and that is probably why people are very conversational, but limits are limits!

[PistolPete 61421]

Personally over my time I have never had asked any inquisitive questions to my SP's. Or the in fact the opposite has never happened as well. As Jerican states above "ruin the mystery."

 

If there is communication on "What I do" I reveal some what of my affairs, and business, but I certainly enjoy talking about many other topics other then each other's very personal life.

[Micheal 100]

Well it's not bad to feel uncomfortable when talking with someone somewhat new about personal things. The thing is you only have to tell that person so much in a sense that do they need to know everything right now or everything about the topic your discussing. Just because you don't tell them something or give them every detail doesn't mean that your doing them wrong. It's just protecting yourself so as long as you think before you speak you should be able to roll with any conversation.

 

I myself was like that for the longest time when I was younger and was very popular but anyhow I learned that if the person that I'm talking with is someone of quality there shouldn't be anything to personal to tell them. If someone can't take you for who you are and where you been then they really are not worth being around or with, man or woman. Also in this world there are things that are ok but to personal to really share with someone until your in or talking about being in a committed relationship.

 

I'm no scholar lol and have lived and learned and put my foot in my mouth a million times lol it's not hard cause there are a lot of sensitive people in this world. I guess you just need to gauge who your talking with on their whole being and when something comes up that's to personal, think before you speak and chill and either talk about it to a point or just say," Ya know what :) that's something you'll have to find out down the road :)" give you some mystery :) But really just be yourself and the good person you are and try and be as open as possible :) more people need to be in this world. Hope I didn't offend anyone. Thanks for reading.

[fortunateone 156618]

Personally over my time I have never had asked any inquisitive questions to my SP's. Or the in fact the opposite has never happened as well. As Jerican states above "ruin the mystery."

 

If there is communication on "What I do" I reveal some what of my affairs, and business, but I certainly enjoy talking about many other topics other then each other's very personal life.

 

I like to ask what sort of work do you do, I do not need to know where you do it or for how long, etc. Sometimes, as I do massage first, this tells me where it hurts most lol.

 

Clients should not know anything truly personal about any sp. We are talking about simple boundaries to prevent future trouble, stalkers, etc. If you are practised in not discussing real identifying details about yourself with everyone, then everyone will have the same info.

 

If necessary, make something up as a story that you stick to. Frankly, certain details about you and your life are none of their business. It cannot be considered just "conversation" if it strikes you as odd or unusual, compared to other clients you have. (However, I do find that some reviewer clients who don't mention they are review board members do ask different sorts of questions than other clients ask -- not in a stalkerish way, but their types of questions are quite different)

 

You should not be asked nor tell: where you live, if you live in the same place you work out of, where you were born, when you were born (even your actual month/day birthday), where you went to school, when you graduated (or if you didn't), where you are going or went to post secondary school, where you work (if you have a second job), if you have kids (unless it is obvious), if it is obvious then you should not mention how many and what their ages or gender is, if you are single or not, if you are not single whether you live with a bf, if you are alone (in the incall -- unless it is obvious), names ages and number of brothers and sisters, and I can't think of anything else in particular.

 

There is a very wide selection of other topics of conversation available from the weather today to what shows they like to watch, sports, movies, etc etc etc etc.

[Annessa 22743]

interesting tidbit:

 

I had an awesome converstion with a guy at the bar tonight. where i said my father was a professor at a university in ottawa....the man then asked "what is he a professor in?" I drew a blank and realized I had no clue. why? because I said that details of the question 'what do you do/what have you done/where have you been in life" never really were my first questions to ask people I just met.....and that I considered them kinda superficial.

 

Ask me what some of my clients do for a living and I will honestly say that if it was mentioned in one conversation in our first meeting, I will probably not remember...not because I dont care, but because its not important to me for those 2 hours we're together....sometimes I joke and say "you can tell me you work for NASA....I'm not going to look u up"

 

same goes for relationship questions. are you single? tends to be a question that describes to some what stage in life you're in. And obviously some dont really understand that with our proffession, its not exactly the easiest path to keep a long-lasting relationship on the side. I've been smugged by clients saying "oh suuuuuure, single eh? I'm sure you have the guys throwing themselves at you left right and center!" it makes me wonder: if you asked the question, and I answered it truthfully, what the heck are u going to gain by basically calling me a liar?

 

unless I have a very personal bond with a client I dont go into details about my personal life. obviously I cant hide the fact that I've had a child etc, but the less a client knows, the better IMO. Its not lying, its just discovering through trial and error what your comfortable with. That and Ottawa is such a small town sometimes!

[etasman2000 15994]

where i said my father was a professor at a university in ottawa....the man then asked "what is he a professor in?" I drew a blank and realized I had no clue.

 

Does any child really knows what his/her parent does ? lol since you brought it up I realize I have no clue what mine does either.

 

 

unless I have a very personal bond with a client I dont go into details about my personal life.

 

There are lots of neutral personal questions that can be asked. What genre of stories you enjoy reading ? Did you have a fav toy as a child ? What foods to do you like ?

 

Ultimately neither parties should feel compelled to answer any questions they don't feel comfortable with, SP or hobbiest.

[NotchJohnson 214123]

I try to stick with the basic, "what size of bra do you wear?", "what type of undies do you prefer?", "thongs or boyshort", "How tall are you, really?", never ask a lady how much she weighs.

It makes me feel so much closer to her and then I ask if I can remove them from her. That is my favorite part, I like to use all of my senses when making out. Smell, touch, taste, hearing, and seeing.:rolleyes:

[Guest W***ledi*Time]

The whole point of small talk in any social or inter-personal situtation is to explore common ground in order to make a connection. The point where small talk passes into the realm of interrogation, or making someone uncomfortable, is the point where it becomes counter-productive, creepy, or just plain rude.

 

That said, everyone has different boundaries. SPs are in an unusually vulnerable position from a safety point of view, so it makes sense for the client to exercise extra restraint and to let the SP take the lead in choosing a topic or jumping-off point for conversation. SPs are normal people and as such, I have found, will (on occasion) talk about most anything. There is no "list of topics" that are verboten to every SP. To use fortunateone as an example (sorry, not intending to pick on you!): she has an absolutely reasonable list that she has posted here of topics that, for her, should never be raised. In my personal hobbying, every single one of these topics have been raised by SPs about themselves at one time or another, with absolutely no prompting by me. I myself have never hesitated to ask one of my favourite conversation-starters: "where are you from?" -- it's so open-ended a question that it can accomodate any level of specificity that the lady may be comfortable with, and leads naturally down all sorts of rewarding conversational byways and connections.

 

I'm not particularly partial to the idea of lying about onesself (although supposedly psychological studies show that we all lie dozens of times a day. Personally, I have more than enough trouble remembering the real facts about myself, without going to the trouble of inventing fiction that will also have to be remembered by my already over-taxed brain). But one thing I absolutely agree with is fortunateone's admoniton that the SP "make something up as a story that you stick to." I personally find it off-putting each time I find, upon my making reference to something a SP has told me in a previous session, she looks at me like I have three heads and she obviously hasn't the slightest recollection of what story it might have been that she had been stringing me before. Or when she says something that blatantly contradicts what she has claimed before. If you feel you must lie, so be it -- but please do keep your story(s) straight. Otherwise, your client will catch on, and any connection that he feels could go straight out the window.

 

Also, keep your stories within reason and able to stand up to simple fact-checking. I once had a long and fascinating conversation with a lady who told me that her best friend was closely related to a star athlete; that she herself had partied at the home of another star athlete; and that her brother was a rising star athlete, etc. Her story was replete with colourful anecdotes, and she made a couple of surprising statements about these atheletes, which, being a fan of the particular sport in question, I later checked out. These statements were demonstrably false as a matter of public record. As for the many things she had proudly told me about her brother, it was easy to match his many attributes to the sport's record books and find that there simply was no such real athlete in existence who came even remotely close to the description of this supposed brother of hers. I reluctantly arrived at the conclusion that I had spent a half-hour paying to listen to utter fiction. There are much cheaper ways to be entertained by a story than paying SP rates. Because of her lack of truthiness, I never went back, although in all other aspects I enjoyed my time with this lady.

 

As far as tactics of deflecting a conversation when it does cross the line of discomfort: the simple topic-change or smooch, as previously suggested on the thread, is all it should take. I am myself a supporter of the simple and friendly statement "I don't want to talk about that" -- although I appreciate that this honest approach is not for everyone or for all circumstances. If none of these gambits work, you have definitely strayed into unusually creepy territory, and may wish to consider finding a different conversational partner.

[Guest S**a*Q]

People tell me everything... It's always been that way, I tend to have the opposite issue, of people telling me things that anyone else might have thought that weird.

 

I don't ever feel like people are being too intrusive, if anything I fear that they're telling me stuff that they will regret later, but then I realize that the things they're telling me, are probably things that they've wanted to talk to someone about forever...

 

I tend to laugh a lot, and make jokes at good and bad times ;) I find that helps me deter someone away from something that's upsetting them. I've yet to feel that someone is asking me too personal questions, but if it did happen, I'd go with a random sound effect, or something to distract them... ;)

 

Weird works sometimes. :P

[Meg O'Ryan 266444]

nice :) I have only had one bad experience but want to be prepared should another arise!