Are you happy?

[Guest N***he**Ont**y]

After my last relationship failed after I found out she was cheating on me I was one very angry fellow. Other family issues influenced me as well as I lost my mother at the same time this was going on, I was in a black hole emotionally and did not feel anything . I turned inward and did not care about my actions and how I was affecting others. Then I discovered there was light at the end of the tunnel after some self evaluation and reflection

based on some of some old teachings I was taught as a child and I slowly moved on. Don't know if I will be involved again in a long term relationship but I happier now as I have moved forward some more. I have accepted what I cannot change I appreciate what I have now.

 

Some ramblings from "The Jokester!"

[Motorbykerider 4754]

I have accepted what I cannot change. I appreciate what I have now.

 

 

Attaboy! Words of wisdom right there. (as well as everyone else's of course)

[HalifaxMan58 2206]

I think for the most part I am a happy guy. I am not one to hold grudges against people, and I am quick to forgive. I've been through difficult times in my life same as everyone else, and lived through them. I have enough to eat, a roof over my head, I really don't want for anything, after finding this great site. I have people I can call friends, I am making new friends here and in my day to day life out in the world, I have people who love me, so I would say life is presently good to me, and I am a very lucky happy guy.

[andflemcol 3975]

Seems I am in the minority (at least as far as the posts go) but I am very unhappy.

 

However, having said that, I have reached a point in my life where lately I have been re-examining everything I have done up to this point. It's funny that this thread has popped up when it did, because I was actually toying with the idea of posting on here asking for advice, mainly because there seems to be a lot of people on here willing to help people out on a variety of subjects. I just hadn't made up my mind to do it yet.

 

Lately I have actually been doing a lot of soul searching, crying, self-analysis, more crying, reflecting, reminiscing, and just generally trying to figure out what went wrong to get me to where I am now.

 

I've come to realize that what went wrong was simply me. More specifically the choices I have made, most of which have not been good ones. I have done things that I thought would make me happier, when in fact they just made things worse. I realize that I am often too impulsive when it comes to making decisions, and tend to jump too quickly before getting all the facts. I also am too trusting though and have made decisions based on promises, only to have the person making them not live up to their end of the agreement, causing me stress and worry, and further adding to the unhappiness. (like my present situation)

 

I also found that as things got worse, so has my self esteem. I cannot motivate myself to do anything to better my health for example, because (and this is something I've only just realized, and may sound overly melodramatic) somewhere along the line I think I've subconsciously decided I no longer want to live. I also seemingly have no purpose in life, at least in my mind. Not that I am actively going to go out and kill myself, but I seem to deliberately do things that will put me at great risk for heart attacks, strokes, etc. I am considered morbidly obese, and do nothing to lose weight, even though I keep telling myself I will. I have been diagnosed as a borderline diabetic, and am supposed to watch my diet, exercise and monitor my blood sugar, yet I do none of these. I started to when I was first told, but it lasted maybe a month. I even went out and bought a mountain bike, which I ride occasionally, but nowhere near regularly. I completely lack discipline in my personal life, yet in my professional life I am completely the opposite. Haven't figured out why that is yet though.

 

Add to this the fact that I have struggled with depression for years without knowing what it was, and looking back I can see how my depression has influenced a lot of my decisions. I did have a prescription for an anti-depressant that actually worked for me, after a lot of trial and error, but since my doctor moved away I can't seem to find one that will renew my prescription. Seems a lot of the newer doctors don't seem to believe in them, or are overly cautious about prescribing them. Also add in that I am shy and reserved by nature, so don't connect with a lot of people. Funny thing is I talk to hundreds of people in a day for my work, and get along fine, but when it comes to my personal life forget it. This is actually how I found CERB. I know I need human contact, and started thinking that if I found an SP or two it might help me out in that way.

 

So now that I've posted all this negative stuff, I will end this on a positive note; now that I am coming to understand that my life is exactly the way I made it, I'm pretty sure that going forward I will now look at things in a different light. Hopefully it will translate into better decisions, as well as a renewed way of looking at myself and how I feel about myself. I know it is going to take a lot of hard work, but I think the biggest thing is just getting out of some bad thought patterns, which now that I see them I can hopefully change them.

 

p.s. sorry for the negative rambling. I didn't post this to get anyone's sympathy or anything, in fact still not sure I should be posting this at all, but since MBR asked.....)

 

Don't be sorry, cerb is a community to share thoughts, feelings, experiences (possitive or negative) and to receive support and understanding when needed.

 

I can somewhat relate to your situation. I have been unhappy in the not so distant past albeit I was not quite as unhappy as you appear to be. I did not look after myself, I did the reflection thing and spent time regretting the decisions I made in the past. I am happy to say that I am much happier now.

 

What seemed to have worked for me was to try and avoid worrying about things you could not change and work on what I could. For me, I determined that hobbying gave me enjoyment and made me much happier. I focused on things that would help me continue on what made me happy. It involved some major changes in my life, including moving to Ottawa to make the hobying more accessible and to live healthier. Wanting to enjoy the hobby has motivated me to make these changes and it is paying off.

 

So in short, my advice would be to live in the present and not the past and to use what makes you happy as your motivator to get to where it is you want to be.

 

Good luck to you my friend.

[oldblueeyez 15475]

I'm more happy than unhappy. I've learned to tolerate, ignore, or remove negative people in my life. I spend oodles of time alone and I like it. Sometimes I yearn for a relationship, but then I quickly come to my senses. :P

 

Watch the wine! It ain't good to drink when you're blue! Just makes things worse in the end.

 

And gc1968, what real purpose is there in life other than to live? Society creates all these artificial rungs in its ladder of achievement: trophy wife, nice house in an uppity community, nice car, professional job, etc. These things are great if they're what you really want, but if you find yourself with an empty yearning inside, maybe that life just isn't for you. I still don't know what's really important to me, but I've damn well learned what isn't. By the way, why is it so hard to find a doctor to prescribe you that AD? If it hasn't been recalled then it shouldn't be a big deal to get it.

[CristyCurves 169032]

Seems I am in the minority (at least as far as the posts go) but I am very unhappy.

 

However, having said that, I have reached a point in my life where lately I have been re-examining everything I have done up to this point. It's funny that this thread has popped up when it did, because I was actually toying with the idea of posting on here asking for advice, mainly because there seems to be a lot of people on here willing to help people out on a variety of subjects. I just hadn't made up my mind to do it yet.

 

Lately I have actually been doing a lot of soul searching, crying, self-analysis, more crying, reflecting, reminiscing, and just generally trying to figure out what went wrong to get me to where I am now.

 

I've come to realize that what went wrong was simply me. More specifically the choices I have made, most of which have not been good ones. I have done things that I thought would make me happier, when in fact they just made things worse. I realize that I am often too impulsive when it comes to making decisions, and tend to jump too quickly before getting all the facts. I also am too trusting though and have made decisions based on promises, only to have the person making them not live up to their end of the agreement, causing me stress and worry, and further adding to the unhappiness. (like my present situation)

 

I also found that as things got worse, so has my self esteem. I cannot motivate myself to do anything to better my health for example, because (and this is something I've only just realized, and may sound overly melodramatic) somewhere along the line I think I've subconsciously decided I no longer want to live. I also seemingly have no purpose in life, at least in my mind. Not that I am actively going to go out and kill myself, but I seem to deliberately do things that will put me at great risk for heart attacks, strokes, etc. I am considered morbidly obese, and do nothing to lose weight, even though I keep telling myself I will. I have been diagnosed as a borderline diabetic, and am supposed to watch my diet, exercise and monitor my blood sugar, yet I do none of these. I started to when I was first told, but it lasted maybe a month. I even went out and bought a mountain bike, which I ride occasionally, but nowhere near regularly. I completely lack discipline in my personal life, yet in my professional life I am completely the opposite. Haven't figured out why that is yet though.

 

Add to this the fact that I have struggled with depression for years without knowing what it was, and looking back I can see how my depression has influenced a lot of my decisions. I did have a prescription for an anti-depressant that actually worked for me, after a lot of trial and error, but since my doctor moved away I can't seem to find one that will renew my prescription. Seems a lot of the newer doctors don't seem to believe in them, or are overly cautious about prescribing them. Also add in that I am shy and reserved by nature, so don't connect with a lot of people. Funny thing is I talk to hundreds of people in a day for my work, and get along fine, but when it comes to my personal life forget it. This is actually how I found CERB. I know I need human contact, and started thinking that if I found an SP or two it might help me out in that way.

 

So now that I've posted all this negative stuff, I will end this on a positive note; now that I am coming to understand that my life is exactly the way I made it, I'm pretty sure that going forward I will now look at things in a different light. Hopefully it will translate into better decisions, as well as a renewed way of looking at myself and how I feel about myself. I know it is going to take a lot of hard work, but I think the biggest thing is just getting out of some bad thought patterns, which now that I see them I can hopefully change them.

 

p.s. sorry for the negative rambling. I didn't post this to get anyone's sympathy or anything, in fact still not sure I should be posting this at all, but since MBR asked.....)

 

I just wanted to thank you for your post, I found it very touching because of your honesty and bravery for being so. Such admissions aren't easy to make. We all need a purpose and a reason for being here . We also need to love and appreciate ourselves, forgive ourselves for our mistakes and not dwell on the negatives. I hope you can find your inner peace, you deserve it.

[Fresh start 17467]

I can say, I was once very happy and nothing brought me down. Life was great, my dreams were coming true. I had everything to look forward too. Even when things would go wrong I always saw the glass half full. I use to find the silver lining in everything and if I couldn't I was fine with that, nothing really bothered me much.

 

That all came crashing down one day. My dreams where shattering I lost everything I ever wanted. The only thing I had left was the one I loved but I was loosing her as well. I began to be depressed but I didn't let it bother me much I needed to stay strong like I always had. Until one day it was too much I suffered a mental breakdown that's changed me ever since. I'll never forget the pain and pressure in my head from that day. I had never to my recollection had ever cried so hard or loud in my life. Since that day I can no longer control my emotions. Being happy is all I wish for now, but whenever I'm not sad or depressed I fell nothing a big emptiness like happy is an emotion or state that doesn't exist. Perhaps is the anti depressant preventing me or maybe that day when I broke down something did break in my head I don't know. I can say even thought depression has brought me down for a long time it's a battle I fight in hope someday I find happiness like I once had.

 

I use to be ashamed of being depressed and suicidal to the point I spoke to no one about it. I thought I was alone and that I was crazy. Until I decided it was time for me to seek help. I would not be here today had I not, I urge anyone who feel the way I did to do the same. Talking about it has made it a lot easier. Even though I've yet to achieve happiness once again I prefer the numbness then the uncontrollable suicidal thought and the mental pain its brought. I still have my days were they come back and I still have no control over my emotions I am no longer ashamed of it. With plenty of therapy I can say I cannot control it but I can live with it unlike before.

[emiafish 30979]

Am I happy? Such a simple question. Hard to answer if I'm being honest with myself. It's just that for me happiness is not a state of mind, or even an outlook on life. Happiness is not a glass half full or a filter through which I view the world. For me happiness is a series of moments in a stream of reality.

 

I'm not trying to say that sometimes I'm happy while other times I'm not. But rather I have periods of happy and periods of darkness and shadow. Happy can surprise me. Occasionally I catch myself in a moment of introspection and find happiness in the mundane. A nice sunny morning when nothing hurts or cuddling with my wife of 30 years make me happy. Meeting new friends and feeling good make me happy.

 

But am I happy? At the moment, not so much. I have to get up for work in less than five hours, my neck is stiff and sore like it usually is and I have to pee, which I will do two or three more times before the alarm drags me from the bed in the dark of the morning.

 

I can honestly say that I strive to be happy. I take pleasure from the little things. A good sneeze, a good shit, a good sleep are all sources of happiness. Sex makes me happy. Good sex even more. Great sex can leave me happy for days. Lately, I've been very happy.

 

Sure there are things that bring me down: the aforementioned ache in my neck, insecurities, stress, a bad taco. But I try not to take these things personally. I try to leave the dark stuff on the side of the road and focus on those surprising things that bring light and happiness into my day.

 

In general I have more happy moments than not. And I'll continue to strive to keep it that way.

[Nicolette Vaughn 294340]

I don't believe in being happy. I believe in being content. At this point, there are a few important areas of my life where I am very content yet at the same rate, there are some areas that need improvement. I also try to stop the negativity in my head whether it's about myself, those around me or a certain situation. I often find myself running away from drama now than being involved or around it.

 

I have made leaps and bounds by removing people from my life who have caused stress and drama. This has helped a great deal. I have also become a lot more selfish in a way that I take better care of myself than I did before. In the past, this caused me a lot of stress, resentment and anxiety. I used to put everyone else before me and while I am still there for others that I care about, I realized I have to be able to take care of myself before I can help them.

 

I just try to live my life day by day and looking at life as something to be cherished and enjoyed. I had one of my long time regulars tell me last week ( he's not a cerb member) that he was diagnosed with bowel cancer. When I heard that, it made me really sad and I find him in my thoughts more than ever now. There may be a chance we will never cross paths again. :( I gave him a big hug and kiss and told him not to give up and to fight it all the way. When he left, it really got me thinking about some of the trivial things I make a big deal out of and it has really opened my eyes.

 

I realize as I get older that I am thankful for what I have rather than complaining about what I don't have. You only have one life so make good use of it and enjoy it to the fullest!

[Guest webothscore]

Thx to Nikki my answer is now shortened, so ultimatley thx :) exactly her detail plus two other comments. When I look at things as a whole, I may feel down or shortchanged, but if I separate some aspects and accomplishments, I am happier this way, especially if those aspects were/are my own doing/accomplishments. Secondly, while we do live for ourselves, like it or not, how we are raised plays a big part. Most of us have set goals of sorts (does not have to be material) that at one point in life have been communicated with our parents, and if those goals or even ideas have fallen somewhat short, they are in our heads for quite some time. Overall, I am thankful and understand how to be happy.

[LuvAlts (AKA BownChickaBow 438]

YES!! I am happy (very), as I choose to be :D

 

No one shot at me yesterday or dropped a bomb on my head last night, so everything else is sooo superficial. Whoop-t-doo, my Timmies lid isn't perfect - oh, the humanity!! LOL (Not like someone lied to me about being pregnant and then lied about matters of the heart and then lied about lying before stealing from me all after saying they were different and didn't lie like other people (as they did; which is probably the first sign someone is a liar), but I digress, as there is A LOT worse going on in the world than failed gold-digging parasites whom only disgrace themselves, their children and their family for their own selfish immature greed which they will never live down thanks to the interwebs. Why throw stones living in a glass house? Just another psycho-path loser. Dime a dozen, but still nothing to be un-happy about ;) )

 

Superficiality makes me laugh, thus I never stop getting the best medicine :)

Being helpful to others and not self-centered nor pretentious keeps it simple too ;)

 

Greed breeds mean deeds, and thus not happiness imo, individually or collectively - think aboot it! hehe ...and Don't Worry - Beeeeeeee HAP-PY!! :)

 

[:boobies: BOOBS!! :boobeyes:...and if you aren't happy atm - think of boobies!! How could one Not smile thinking of boobies? :D Boobs Rule! hehe]

[Nicolette Vaughn 294340]

. Secondly, while we do live for ourselves, like it or not, how we are raised plays a big part. Most of us have set goals of sorts (does not have to be material) that at one point in life have been communicated with our parents, and if those goals or even ideas have fallen somewhat short, they are in our heads for quite some time. Overall, I am thankful and understand how to be happy.

 

I agree. I find that myself and my sisters have guilt issues. I often find that I am guilted into doing things for family members that I really don't want to do. Sometimes I will say no but when I do, that guilt of NOT doing it is there. This has carried over into relationships of mine where I'm always trying to make sure people are happy. I'm not a doormat where I will do anything for anyone...no way because there is that feisty, fery side of me as well.

 

However, there is always some sort ofpeople pleaser quality and frankly I'm sick of it. I know exactly where it comes from and often times it's hard to not feel that way and I just have to turn it off. I come from a family where everyone took care of one another and while it's a good quality to have, often times people exploit that or use it to their advantage.

 

As for parents, I've stopped trying to get their approval a long time ago.

I am doing what I wish to do. They don't have to live my life or pay my mortgages on properties or my bills and I'm in control. I've been quite independent from a young age and moved out when I was 19.

 

What I've realized is that parents are human beings as well and WILL make mistakes in raising their children. Whatever expectations they had are not the expectations I have of myself. I have come to accept them for who they are are, faults and all. This has made my relationship with them much better.

 

I'm the person in my family that does whatever I please while everyone else wishes they could do it but don't. And this doesn't apply to anything in specific in my life. I'm more of the rebel and had the balls to do things. Now I am their "go to" person when shit hits the fan and it gets quite tiring.

 

I'm just living my life as I see fit.

[Guest R**3*9]

I agree wholeheartedly with those above who strive to be content. I think happiness is a temporary state and just like sadness should be.

 

I found this quote from an article by Steven Covey, Seven Habits Revisited.

 

It offers a path for those looking to increase the positivity in their lives.

 

"'I know my tendencies: I know the scripts or programs that are in me; but I am not those scripts. I can rewrite my scripts.' You are aware that you are the creative force of your life. You are not the victim of conditions or conditioning. You can choose your response to any situation, to any person. Between what happens to you and your response is a degree of freedom. And the more you exercise that freedom, the larger it will become. As you work in your circle of influence and exercise that freedom, gradually you will stop being a "hot reactor" (meaning there's little separation between stimulus and response) and start being a cool, responsible chooser no matter what your genetic makeup may be, no matter how you were raised, no matter what your childhood experiences were, or what the environment is. In your freedom to choose your response lies the power to achieve growth and happiness."

 

Hopefully this might offer some advice to someone who could use it.

[shutterclick 566]

and finding so many lovely women who are simply nice people in their own right and very fun to be with. Ladies You Know who you are. Thanks to you all. Shutterclick

[Fresh start 17467]

I don't believe in being happy. I believe in being content. At this point, there are a few important areas of my life where I am very content yet at the same rate, there are some areas that need improvement. I also try to stop the negativity in my head whether it's about myself, those around me or a certain situation. I often find myself running away from drama now than being involved or around it.

 

I have made leaps and bounds by removing people from my life who have caused stress and drama. This has helped a great deal. I have also become a lot more selfish in a way that I take better care of myself than I did before. In the past, this caused me a lot of stress, resentment and anxiety. I used to put everyone else before me and while I am still there for others that I care about, I realized I have to be able to take care of myself before I can help them.

 

I just try to live my life day by day and looking at life as something to be cherished and enjoyed. I had one of my long time regulars tell me last week ( he's not a cerb member) that he was diagnosed with bowel cancer. When I heard that, it made me really sad and I find him in my thoughts more than ever now. There may be a chance we will never cross paths again. :( I gave him a big hug and kiss and told him not to give up and to fight it all the way. When he left, it really got me thinking about some of the trivial things I make a big deal out of and it has really opened my eyes.

 

I realize as I get older that I am thankful for what I have rather than complaining about what I don't have. You only have one life so make good use of it and enjoy it to the fullest!

 

I totally agree one must realize that one self should come first before others at times. One of my down falls as I too use to do everything for other and was the one everyone relied on, but I too should of seek other in time of need.

 

Doing thing for myself rather than for others was one of the first changes I did and it was recommended by a therapist that this be done.

 

It's definitely was one of the hardest thing is to say no to certain family members and I as well find myself feeling guilty or end up doing it anyways.

[Guest **cely***r***ne]

What is being happy? Is it simple, or is it something we work to build within ourselves?

 

I know what going through depression feels like, I know what the therapy is like. And all through that it took motivation, determination and hard work to build up this state of "happiness" I am now experiencing daily. But it does take effort every day. Little extras help - like chocolate and shoes, lingerie and sex. I am content enough to say that I have never been better...and this achievement has made me happy within myself.

 

I believe happy is just a feeling we have, just as is scared or hungry. When we are hungry we feed ourselves. And I believe we also have to "feed" this emotion to make ourselves feel happy. I do not think it just is. It's work. And when done properly (and without artificial or materialistic things,) it can be accomplished when we find it within ourselves. That is when our true spirit shines through!

 

I think being content and fulfilled is where we find it easier to make ourselves feel this happiness...I don't know, I think I'm just sleepy rambling as I feel Nicolette pretty much explained the way I feel about it LoL

[Guest webothscore]

Little extras help - like chocolate and shoes, lingerie and sex.

 

Guaranteed this statement ensures you know what you are talking about ;)

[oldblueeyez 15475]

Actually CERB makes me happy because it made me realize there's nothing at all wrong with this hobby and the people in it. It's simply a lifestyle choice and anybody who wants to judge us for it can go to hell.

[MightyPen 67414]

I've considered writing various long posts as my contribution to this thread, but what it really all boils down to is:

 

Sometimes: yes.

Other times: no.

Most of the time: sorta.

 

I've got some stuff about me and my life that's bugged me right from the start. I've fixed a lot of those things over time. Now I'm working on the rest piece by piece, and some of them are the hardest.

 

That I have the means and opportunity to continue overcoming them, even those I long feared I never would, is one of the things that makes me happiest.

[JoyfulC 132299]

[cinelli 22184]

Most CERBians are relatively affluent--this is an expensive activity after all. I'd suggest a few of them go volunteer at places that help the less fortunate, either homeless shelters or care facilities for disabled people.

I spend four or five hours a week at a place that cares for long-term disabled people, people with spinal injuries, stroke victims, multiple sclerosis etc.

Some of the stories of how they got there are heartbreaking and infuriating.

 

Every day I leave there thinking how incredible it is just being able to walk by myself, to feed myself, to be independent.

 

Yes I'm happy!

[BrettonWoods 4365]

"All that we are is the result of what we have thought. If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him. If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows him, like a shadow that never leaves him."

"Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared."

- Buddha

[hammy1006 278]

So this is all a bit new to me but I will try to be open and honest here. This is a question I've wrestled with for most of my adult life - the pursuit of happiness. I like others have wrestled with depression and discovered this 8 or 9 years ago. I don't know how to describe it to those not going through it, but it's like being alone every minute of every day even if you're in a crowded room. In the darkest moments I have looked at the easiest "solution" but suicide luckily or me has not been the only solution.

 

I think we all want to be happy and until recently I didn't know if I was capable of being happy. I experienced a high like no other thanks to a dream and a chance encounter where I believe I experienced love for the first time in my life. Unfortunately, as fate would have it , this was not to be. It's complicated and still very fresh in terms of the wounds. I learned I need to understand how to be "happy" with myself and by myself before I think I can be with anyone else. Otherwise, a dependent relationship where all I my "happiness" is dependent on what that other person says or does is doomed to fail. I wish everyone here could understand the depths and challenges of depression. It's not about just wanting to be happy. It's not about material things and sadly not even about sex or physical pleasure.

 

Im sorry for rambling but this topic is timely and very relevant today as I step back, lick my wounds and look to recover and move on. I hope everyone finds happiness - whatever that may mean to each of you.

 

Additional Comments:

I think the time to appreciate the challenges of others might put things in perspective but on its own to feel joy o happiness it comes from within. The person whom I recently had a "relationship" with is the most amazing individual I've ever known. She has overcome adversity that would have destroyed me and probably most people. I think as someone who hasn't felt happiness and suffers from low self esteem I saw this as inspirational. I would even say it was attractive and "sexy" to me. That was all a bonus but also part of my mistake. I need to find my own strength and not try and enjoy the strength of others. I can't gain inner strength vicariously. I know that now but it's too late this time as I've lost her forever. I share this as I think spending time volunteering etc is always positive but it all starts and stops with knowing and liking yourself. External forces may help or hinder but I think happiness comes from within. Just my opinion.

[cinelli 22184]

Depression?

 

Seriously, depression is an illness, and it should be thought of like any illness. See your doctor and get a referral to someone who can treat it properly.

 

You wouldn't tell someone to HTFU if they had a broken arm or cancer, but too many people have that exact attitude towards people suffering from depression.

[hammy1006 278]

I agree. This is not something someone just figures out alone. I am on meds and occasionally going to counseling. Depression absolutely is an illness and that's my point too. U just can't just will yourself to be happy.