Relationship advice

[Guest *Ste***cque**]

I have a friend (not me, lol) who is having problems feeling secure in his relationship with his girlfriend of 1 year. I'll spare you the details but I would like to know what's the best relationship advice you could give a guy. Let's stick to advice for guys for now, although I'd love to hear a woman's point of view too on what a guy could do to increase the attraction.

[Fresh start 17467]

It's very hard to give advice on relationship when you don't know the people and unsure of their problems. Only thing I would suggest is communication and he tells her how he feels.

[Midnite-Energies 110563]

I agree...can you give us a bit of input on just which area he's having insecurity about? Would hate to give advice on sex when it's about money or friends when it's about sex.

[Frank7 3939]

Yeah, not enough information to really help. =/

First sentance makes me believe he's not sure she's faithfull to him. The last makes me believe he's not sure he's into her ....

[NotchJohnson 214123]

Relationship is easy even though people make it look tough. If they are meant to be together they will en up together, but one thing I found if a guy is too sticky and gives the girl too much she will move on to the next guy. Women need to know that they have to work for a relationship to work. If he spoils her too much he is taking a chance to lose her. Keep in mind it is a two way street and the best advice I can give you is "communication" without that forget about it, it will fail.

 

Hope I did not offend anyone here!

[MightyPen 67414]

... if a guy is too sticky and gives the girl too much she will move on to the next guy. Women need to know that they have to work for a relationship to work. If he spoils her too much he is taking a chance to lose her.

I agree with one provision: that's equally true of both sexes. If you're a doormat for your partner, that partner will eventually tire of you. Relationships are supposed to challenge us and help us grow beyond who were are when they start. Our partners should be our equals who support us and who we support in turn... not mere providers for a particular set of needs when we happen to feel like it.

 

As others have said already, there's too little information in the original post to offer specific advice. But on the assumption that the OP is looking for just some general advice that can apply to all relationships, I'll offer this random list, which has a common theme of communication:

 

a) Know what kind of things you expect from your relationship in the short, medium, and long term. Make sure you and your partner are on the same page with respect to where you're going, and when you want to hit the milestones on the way. (Even if the answer is "meh, let's just see what happens," that's cool as long as you both feel the same way. Find out.)

 

b) Recognize that your partner is just a regular person, not a magical answer to all your dreams. Most of us start out with pretty dreamy, mostly unspoken ideas of what our partner should be like and all the wonderful things they should do for our lives. But if you're going to be with someone for a long time, learn to measure them for who they really are and where they're going, not just by counting how many of your personal boxes they tick and how often.

 

c) Respect your partner as a separate person, and make sure they respect you. Every relationship has a power dynamic. It's okay if one of you is stronger than the other in some things or at some times (money? social skills? knowing how to do particular stuff?); but this should balance out in the big picture with contributions in other areas. If not, this WILL create tension and could doom things in time.

 

d) Grow together. Don't stop working at life just because you've got someone. Be on the same page about this.

 

e) money: the scourge of so many relationships. Work out a budget together (for immediate and long-term stuff), figure out how much you should each contribute to a joint account to cover those joint expenses. The rest of your earnings (such as they are) are yours to spend

however you like

, so agree ahead of time not to hassle each other about how you spend it. If he's covering his contributions to household, mortgage and savings, don't hassle him when he adds to his collection of Star Wars action figures! And you, mister, be quiet about the shoes! (Or, you know, vice versa.)

 

I could go on but that'll do for now. Would be happy to see how others would add to the list.

[Guest B**na***oy]

Hope I did not offend anyone here!

 

Yes Notch, you offended me, but I'll get over it. LOL

 

Seriously, in my opinion at the beginning, a love relationship should be spectacular. If the chemistry is not there, forget it and move on.

 

Now, it's different for an established relationship that starts to falter. It's possible to salvage it through judicious advice from friends or relationship gurus or even by meeting a CERB lady. ;-) But you also have the ''shit happens'' factor. Sometimes, things just don't work out and that's why over 50% of marriages end up failing.

[oldblueeyez 15475]

If you're a doormat for your partner, that partner will eventually tire of you.

 

Exactly what I was going to say. If you don't stand up for yourself, she'll lose respect for you as a man and that's the beginning of the end. Learned that the hard way. :-(

[MightyPen 67414]

Exactly what I was going to say. If you don't stand up for yourself, she'll lose respect for you as a man and that's the beginning of the end.

Yep. Only problem is, lots of guys interpret that as "Keep her in submission! Never show any weakness!" and that's not the point at all. You have to be confident, capable, and able to meet the many demands your life puts in front of you. Know yourself, share yourself honestly, and be ready and able work on the parts of you that naturally need work. Everyone's got some of those.

 

Prove that you are these things, and any worthy man or woman will stay by your side. Fail too often, and s/he'll rightly start to look around for a better partner in life while there's time.

[HalifaxMan58 2206]

I really don't have any advice not knowing the details of what is going on.

 

All I have to say is the Man who figures out Women is going to become a very rich man, explaining it all to the rest of us! ;)

[Guest *l**e]

keep it simple;

1.always trust your gut

2. if you're not happy, comfortable and confident in the relationship, get out

3. never "think things will get better" if BOTH of you aren't actively working on it

4. always trust your gut

[nntsci 11076]

A gal I used to know told me the key is to make her feel special... like she's the most important thing in his life... that he only has eyes for her...

 

Once you can fake that the rest is easy.

[Guest Miss Jane TG]

Self confidence!

 

P.S. Self confidence doesn't mean being arrogant!

[Regent 35404]

A vague answer to a vague question:

 

Really unpack what the problem is. Is insecurity stemming from a problem within the relationship (incompatibility, uncommunicated/unmet needs, different love languages, unresolved conflict, etc), or is the source of it within himself (lack of self-esteem, baggage/trauma from the past, internalized social messages about women/relationships, etc).

 

If the problem is within the relationship, address it with his partner. Maybe this means talking more, developing new relationship skills, adjusting or renegotiating expectations, or possibly breaking up.

 

If the problem is within himself, do some personal growth work, maybe with a therapist. Ask for reassurance, but own that his partner and his relationship is not the source of the issues and that she isn't responsible for making him feel secure.

[Meg O'Ryan 266444]

It really is quite simple. Communication is the key to any successful relationship be it romantic, business, family or friendship.

 

In this case, romantic, if you can't divulge your needs, wants, desires, pains etc...then you are with the wrong person. Secrets and holding back important feelings can only result in pain and confusion!

 

The only way to be truly happy in a relationship is to trust the other person enough to learn to deal with your feelings and vice versa. If you don't put it out there how will they ever know and how will you ever know that they love you enough to deal with it?

[oldblueeyez 15475]

Once you can fake that the rest is easy.

 

LOL! That's bad! :D

[Guest *Ste***cque**]

Thanks for the advice. I didn't want to go into too much detail but it's hard to give advice without it so here is some add'l info. I have had a few conversations with my friend and I'm not certain what his relationship problem is exactly but it sounds to me like a case of "she's just not that into me". They are in a long distance relationship and his complaints center around, he is doing 90%+ of the commuting, he thinks he's more in love with her than she is with him and she still emails her ex boyfriend, who left her over a year ago.

 

Not a good situation and I don't want to give him the wrong advice but he regularly complains about her mentioning the ex's name. I told him to let her know it pisses you off. As a joke I hinted he could tell her that every time she mentions his name you're going to grab her ass and kiss her, or ask for a bj, or whatever but say it with a grin on your face and a twinkle in your eye. She'll see that you are playful and confident, 2 pretty good qualities. My serious advice was that I think he's making himself too available to her and that, in general, it can be beneficial to challenge her on occasion. He did not agree with my advice(although he did like the bj comment) so I'm not sure what to tell him. He wants to go for drinks this weekend and I'm out of advice, although I can still listen I suppose.

 

Attraction is hard to build when your being insecure but I find it hard to come out and say that he's being a wuss.

[Midnite-Energies 110563]

Long distance relationships are hard enough without the people involved making them worse. Not knowing why the break up of the girl and her ex occurred, it sounds to me like she is still keeping those fires burning and if he's in the same place she is, chances are they are seeing one another in some capacity. Very seldom to romantic partners stay friends after the dust settles so for the conversations about him to be ongoing, he's still a factor. If he's feeling he's doing all the work, he probably is because she's distracted by this other person. If he hasn't already had a serious talk about this with her and how he's feeling, he needs to. If he has and this is the result, that is a clear indication the "relationship" is on the way out and should be let go of. I understand he loves her but sometimes you can hang on past the point of being good for you.

 

In a long distance relationship especially, both partners need to be putting the time and effort in to make one another feel important. Communication is key and so is regular commitment to the relationship whether it be by phone, text, Skype. If it's one sided, like any relationship, it's not going to work.

 

It's his choice what to do now. He knows the truth whatever it is, he just needs to keep going and stop complaining (choosing to continue the game) or he needs to step away and find something better. Sounds like the horse has been beaten...

[nntsci 11076]

keep it simple;

1.always trust your gut

2. if you're not happy, comfortable and confident in the relationship, get out

3. never "think things will get better" if BOTH of you aren't actively working on it

4. always trust your gut

Most often its the guy that unwilling to work on a relationship... women seem to really enjoying doing that sort of thing. My wife and I attended marital counselling and the therapist's first comment was that the very fact that you are here together is a really good sign. Apparently its often really difficult to get the man into therapy because he thinks he will just get blamed for everything. So a lot of the first session was about making sure that I didn't feel that that was the case -- that he was non-judgemental and interested in working toward improving the relationship for both partners.

 

My wife and I now actually go out on dates regularly (to the opera), spent a week in Lost Wages, I mean Vegas, and a weekend in Niagara. Spending time together is of key importance to opening up lines of communication. Its not where you go, but the fact that you do stuff together that is important.

[Meaghan McLeod 179664]

. He wants to go for drinks this weekend and I'm out of advice, although I can still listen I suppose.

 

Attraction is hard to build when your being insecure but I find it hard to come out and say that he's being a wuss.

 

I find the main difference between men and women, is that men want to fix things, and women want to listen. Just listen, if he is not willing to take your advice, just be a sounding board for him.

 

And, be honest, and tell him he's a wuss if you think so. Sometimes, friends have to say the hard truth for those that are trying to figure out their problems. Just don't tell him this if he is drunk - when you are drunk, nothing makes sense.

[roamingguy 300292]

Maybe he should contact his g/f and suggest to her that they take a "time out" He should tell her he gets the feeling she is still hung up on her ex. And maybe by taking a break she can decide if she wants a relationship with her ex or him. And while on the break he can see other women and decide if he wants to date other women and maybe pursue a new relationship, or he wants to stay with his g/f

If she is agreeable to a time out" she already had one foot out the door so to speak, so he is no worse off really

If she doesn't want a time out and instead wants to stay with him and continue their relationship, maybe an improvement in their relationship will happen

Also the upper hand in the relationship and all the control which appears to belong to the gf would be taken away and he would begin to have a say and get some control in a relationship. Hopefully the outcome would be a mutually beneficial and respectful relationship with each other, but if not and they break up, their relationship was doomed to break up already

Anyhow, a quick rambling

RG

[Guest realnicehat]

It's time for your friend to

 

 

 

He clearly doesn't want to hear advice and it sounds like he already knows the score. It's time to move on.

[MightyPen 67414]

They are in a long distance relationship and his complaints center around, he is doing 90%+ of the commuting, he thinks he's more in love with her than she is with him and she still emails her ex boyfriend, who left her over a year ago.

 

... in general, it can be beneficial to challenge her on occasion ... Attraction is hard to build when your being insecure but I find it hard to come out and say that he's being a wuss.

Yeah, she has the upper hand here and I think she's aware of it.

 

It can be okay to stay in touch with an ex, and a secure partner won't mind. But it sounds like the ex is actively haunting the new relationship, so your friend and his GF need to sort that out. If your friend is doing all the work in the relationship, and she's not aware of or heeding his boundaries regarding the ex, then the thing is doomed unless he changes that dynamic.

 

He needs to be confident that he has other relationship options so he can honestly ask himself whether this situation is really what he wants, or if he's just sticking with it because he's afraid of being alone. If you're desperate, many partners will sense it and take advantage, plus you become less attractive in the bargain.

 

So... in addition to talking to his GF about this stuff he should work on himself and his social options closer to home (not cheating, just making friends and establishing a social circle with potential partners). That way he has a viable exit ramp from this relationship if/when he decides it's needed. Then he can work on his relationship out of desire, instead of enduring it silently while paralyzed from fear.

[Regent 35404]

Has he actually asked his girlfriend to initiate contact more? Is she enthusiastic when he contacts her or does she seem distracted when they're spending time together? Has he talked to her about his feelings and issues, or is he just quietly brooding and venting to friends and hoping that she'll read his mind?

 

They should have an honest conversation about where each of them is in the relationship and make sure they're on the same page. It doesn't sound like he's okay being more into her than she is into him, and so if that's the case, then maybe this isn't the right relationship for him.

 

As a general rule: Don't make someone a priority, if to them, you are only an option.

 

The whole ex thing seems like a manifestation of his insecurity and a red herring to distract from the core issue. There's nothing wrong with talking about your ex or staying in communication. Our past relationships are a huge part of what shapes us and makes us who we are, and our exes can be significant and important people in our lives, even if we have no romantic interest in them any more.

 

Ultimately, it's not the ex that's an issue, but his inability to feel secure within his relationship. When we feel loved and valued, we don't need to worry about our partner's interactions with their exes, because those aren't threatening when we know our partners love us and value our relationship.

[livewire32 852]

I have a friend (not me, lol) who is having problems feeling secure in his relationship with his girlfriend of 1 year. I'll spare you the details but I would like to know what's the best relationship advice you could give a guy. Let's stick to advice for guys for now, although I'd love to hear a woman's point of view too on what a guy could do to increase the attraction.

Female point of view here.. Open honesty about feelings and sexual desires. Also tell your girl daily how sexy she is pinch her butt as u walk by tell her you love her if you do make her feel like she is sexy wanted and desired.. Also don't be afraid to try new things in and out of bedroom also a weekly date night helps..