My SO Thinks I'm Having an Affair - Thanks Happiness

[GHT 798]

She is fairly close to the truth considering the fact that I've been an active hobbiest for the past half year or so.

 

Now get this, the reason she thinks something is going is that she notices that I'm happy person of late for no good reason she can think of. LOL. A personality change you could say. It makes sense since I'm sure my sexual frustration at home and the resulting unhappiness showed a lot more before.

 

Luckily for me she has zero evidence of wrong doing, so I'm hoping it will blow over in time. She needs to be reassured that I love her (which I do) and that things will work out. Easier said than done though. I'm a bad liar and a terrible actor. I can't really trust my reactions when put on the spot with pointed questions.

 

So does anyone have advise for me on how manage this situation. I'd like to keep seeing SPs AND I want to keep the best possible relationship with my SO.

 

Thanks,

 

GHT

:-?

[etasman2000 15994]

So does anyone have advise for me on how manage this situation. I'd like to keep seeing SPs AND I want to keep the best possible relationship with my SO.

 

How do you think she would react if you told her the truth ?

 

Failing which, if you are 'on the spot' just admit to having relationship counseling and cite patient/counselor confidentiality.

[NotchJohnson 214123]

She is fairly close to the truth considering the fact that I've been an active hobbiest for the past half year or so.

 

Now get this, the reason she thinks something is going is that she notices that I'm happy person of late for no good reason she can think of. LOL. A personality change you could say. It makes sense since I'm sure my sexual frustration at home and the resulting unhappiness showed a lot more before.

 

Luckily for me she has zero evidence of wrong doing, so I'm hoping it will blow over in time. She needs to be reassured that I love her (which I do) and that things will work out. Easier said than done though. I'm a bad liar and a terrible actor. I can't really trust my reactions when put on the spot with pointed questions.

 

So does anyone have advise for me on how manage this situation. I'd like to keep seeing SPs AND I want to keep the best possible relationship with my SO.

 

Thanks,

 

GHT

:-?

If someone here understand you GHT it's me. I would change my habit of seeing sp's the day she would start giving me the love that I require. I love her more then anything in the world, and I can't lie to save my life.

 

So with this all I can say is sorry for no advice to you.

[GHT 798]

How do you think she would react if you told her the truth ?

 

Failing which, if you are 'on the spot' just admit to having relationship counseling and cite patient/counselor confidentiality.

 

I'm pretty sure she would react badly, at least at first.

I don't want to find out in any case, the truth will not make it better.

 

I think she is basically testing me with the "your having an affair" accusation and seeing how I react. She is far from 100% convinced that it is actually the case.

 

GHT

[Slammer 303]

I know the feeling... I started hobbying because of situations like both of yours'. I really wish that I could find a woman who understands what men want and not hate us for what we are biologically programmed for.

 

Good luck.

 

If someone here understand you GHT it's me. I would change my habit of seeing sp's the day she would start giving me the love that I require. I love her more then anything in the world' date=' and I can't lie to save my life.

 

So with this all I can say is sorry for no advice to you.[/quote']

[VedaSloan 119179]

It is unfortunate that most people cannot admit to their sexual desires and urges and so feel the need to go outside the relationship. Maybe your wife will surprise you if you actually tell her how you feel and why you need to do this.

 

Why do most women feel so threatened if they find out their man is seeing a pro? People have needs and if more of us actually opened up about what we want, maybe there would be less running around going on.

[Guest f***2f***]

OK I've been this road and am now separated. I too am not a good liar or reactor when asked pointed questions...plus I got mighty damn careless.

I loved her...still do but the home scene was not doing it despite my pleas over a long time for it to change.

Well now it's changed irrevocably...we're done...and while it's tough I think we're both happier.

[c***y 181]

OK my story condensed.As far as the rest of my relationship it is great, my wife says she loves me which i believe she does. She has no interest in doing "that stuff",she's not the only one there are lot's of women like that according to her. I do feel like it's me sometimes but than again i say no it's not.I have said a number of times i will do anything you want if it makes you feel any different about "that stuff. To which the response is there is nothing. I started in this hobby almost two months ago, i confided in my best pal and his response was when she sees your happier she's gonna wonder where your getting it from. I said if the day comes i will tell her and see where it goes from there. Hey maybe i am just a physical guy that needs the cuddling and touching. I just know i am happier in one way, in another a little sad i am doing this but what do you do? As i said there is more to the story i could go on for pages. so please do not judge me. But hey if you do i really don't care. I guess i was a little short on advice here. Sorry :oops:

[Loki318 1631]

GHT I had this long history and stuff written and deleted it.. for this shorter to the point message:

Deny Deny Deny ... till you believe it yourself....

Prepare a few plausible excuses, "hobby" (photography is a good one) work going well, good business meetings ....etc etc

Prepare the escape route before the trap. the excuses or story before the questions etc etc The alternative is way way to expensive for my liking and besides I don't want to replace her just supplement the .....(once every 2nd or 3rd week)

 

I have been at this 28 years this month :) yea I remember the first time right down to the date LOL and SO is just getting suspicious now that i am back at it after an 18 onth lay off due to medical reasons....

 

I am not braging I know that the shit could hit the fan any day and if it dose and I am found out .... and the worst happens .... the rocks ... I am Gone, as in way gone ie Disappear totally ... I am not sticking around for the beating she can have it all BUt she will find out that when she is done with it (all our assets) they will go to the kids ....

 

Any way I would mind answering or suggesting further in PM ;)

 

Loki318

 

 

 

She is fairly close to the truth considering the fact that I've been an active hobbiest for the past half year or so.

 

Now get this, the reason she thinks something is going is that she notices that I'm happy person of late for no good reason she can think of. LOL. A personality change you could say. It makes sense since I'm sure my sexual frustration at home and the resulting unhappiness showed a lot more before.

 

Luckily for me she has zero evidence of wrong doing, so I'm hoping it will blow over in time. She needs to be reassured that I love her (which I do) and that things will work out. Easier said than done though. I'm a bad liar and a terrible actor. I can't really trust my reactions when put on the spot with pointed questions.

 

So does anyone have advise for me on how manage this situation. I'd like to keep seeing SPs AND I want to keep the best possible relationship with my SO.

 

Thanks,

 

GHT

:-?

[capitalman 3861]

Pretend you are two people. The guy at home and the guy with SPs. These two guys don't know each other.

[blue_eyes56 2010]

I sympathize and it's sad that there are so many relationships in similar shape.

 

I also love my S.O. but there's a basic emotional chunk missing out of our partnership and my (lame) attempts to fix things have not gone well. I started hobbying recently out of curiosity/loneliness and feel happier as a result, not just for the obvious reasons. I'm a little more free about life (she's noticing ...) and also a little more resigned that my relationship will either get better or worse (she's noticing ...). No direct confrontations yet, but I won't be surprised when they come.

 

For me, the status quo just isn't an option, so I guess the bottom line is know what you want.

[Guest S****tha Ott*wa]

I knew he was doing it, I wish he would of told me and been honest. I only knew cause I was sleeping with her too lol but he didnt know that.

 

However, I hear from many of my clients in your same situation that if they told the truth they no it would end things which they didnt want. I respect and completely understand the not telling part.

 

Maybe you are just doing it too much. Pace yourself. Dont make mistakes, wait till you are 100% she is gone out before you go online. Just dont take chances. Many women dont like to have sex but need that close friend husband where like myself want all the sex with no husband ;-)

 

Hope you find your happy place !

[GHT 798]

It is unfortunate that most people cannot admit to their sexual desires and urges and so feel the need to go outside the relationship. Maybe your wife will surprise you if you actually tell her how you feel and why you need to do this.

 

Why do most women feel so threatened if they find out their man is seeing a pro? People have needs and if more of us actually opened up about what we want, maybe there would be less running around going on.

 

Erin, I agree with you and wish things were different. Unfortunately society is not very excepting of this type of behavior so I can't count on my SO to be excepting. I'm not willing to take the risk of telling her even though she might surprise me.

 

Hopefully society will evolve for the better in time.

 

GHT

[Emma Alexandra 123367]

I always think of us as saving marriages rather then ruining them...you would think sending your client home happy would be a good thing...i think Cap is right be 2 different people...one with us and the other with your wife...

kisses,

Emma A

[dommer 100]

Im a man in my late 40's also and have been seeing escorts for the past 4-5 years. Yes i am married and yes i do love my wife and our 2 kids. Quite recently she found out i was locally seeking other woman through Kiiji and ..........-not that i had any luck though-now she feels that i need councelling to get over this "addiction". Not sure if i see it as an addiction. My wife and i have been married for over 20 years now and i dont get sexually satisfied with my wife as i do with escorts?? Is that wrong??

 

I dont want to risk being caught again and losing my marriage but i do enjoy seeing different escorts and enjoying different types of sex that my wife is not wanting to do!!

 

Do i need help.....what u think??:butt:

[Seymour 3970]

Tell her you're seeing a professional therapist who is helping you find inner peace with yourself. Is that a lie - no - is it believable - yes - but it's all in the delivery boys, all in the delivery.

[CourtesanCassandra 167]

Many women dont like to have sex but need that close friend husband where like myself want all the sex with no husband ;-)

 

Hear hear! :D

 

I must say, I quite like the no husband part myself!

 

To me, it seems many are miss-matched sexually, some folks ar monogamous. Some aren't. Unfortunately, some non-monogamous folks are married to monogamous ones.

 

I can sympathize with the gents expressing this frustration because I was in a marriage quite similar. My ex husband had minimal sex drive & when it did happen, it was very vanilla & missionary position. Quite often with zero satisfaction on my part. I suggested opening the marriage up but he was quite taken aback & rather offended. So I told him if we didn't try & work something out, there were gonna be problems. And problems there were.

 

I ended up having an affair about a little while later with a coworker in the same plight as mine. It was very brief, but I soon confessed to the husband & we decided to part ways. I'm so glad we did. I've been able to explore further sexually & open up. As a result, I feel like a more grounded & happy individual.

 

Mind you, some folks do have children & don't want to rock the boat for the sake of the kids, so that's totally understandable.

 

But if ever I do end up with a significant other, I would hope he would be open to exploring with me, & if he was visiting an sp, I'd be kinda pissed off I wasn't included in the fun! ;-)

[Guest S***e]

If I was in your position, I would start by trying to open a sincere discussion with her as to the problems you are both may be experiencing in the relationshop. I would not, however, reveal to her any past or current hobbying activiities. I really think that matters of family, relationships and marriage need frank discussion to be followed by professional therapy or marriage/sex counselling. I wish you both well.

[GHT 798]

I've received lots of good input here and a couple PMs from a wise insightful lady. If I could write out all the advise that fits for my situation it would read something like this:

 

I should keep up my hobbying activities, but be very careful not get carried away or make careless mistakes.

 

I need to pay attention to my SO and really try to make here happy. Even if the sex/intimacy that I want is not there. It dawned on me that I may be subconsciously punishing her for the lack of sex/intimacy and maybe withdrawing somewhat. The theory here is that if I work at it and she is happy she won't suspect much, or if she does she just might let it slide.

 

If I ever get seriously confronted about my activities I will have a choice to make. I could deny, deny, deny, deny until I die. Or tell the truth.

Luckily I don't have to make that decision now.

 

GHT

[NotchJohnson 214123]

If I was in your position, I would start by trying to open a sincere discussion with her as to the problems you are both may be experiencing in the relationshop. I would not, however, reveal to her any past or current hobbying activiities. I really think that matters of family, relationships and marriage need frank discussion to be followed by professional therapy or marriage/sex counselling. I wish you both well.

From past experience woman only want to hear what pleases them ( I do not mean any disrespect for the ladies here ) and telling your SO that you would like more sexual activities is not something that she wants to hear. Don't get me wrong when I first met her, we had sex about twice a day or more, even with kids in the house after they were in bed.

 

One day it just started to slow down to once a day and then 3 times a week and now 3 times a year. My SO is very sexy to me and I still get very excited and aroused by her but she will not put out anymore.

 

It is different talking to her about sex then talking about buying a new car for example. With sex she compares it to her friends that do not do it but not with her friends that are begging for it.

 

I'm in a point where instead of arguing and her doing it to shut me up is not satisfying for me. I want her to do it because she wants to.

[cordsboy 184]

Luckily for me she has zero evidence of wrong doing, so I'm hoping it will blow over in time.

 

A word of caution, unless you are using an external hard drive or working on a CPU that is not physically accessible to your SO ANYTHING you do on your CPU could be retrieved by a forensic computer specialist.

 

A friend of mine works as a forensic investigator on the side and examines CPU's for businesses, people who think their SO is cheating on them, kids are chatting with the wrong people, etc... It is scary what he can retrieve; every website ever visited (the date, the time what areas of the website you clicked on), all chat records, downloads, views, etc... EVERYTHING you do is retrievable unless you wipe your hard drive (not just a hard erase or delete all).

 

People who think they are safe using Google Chrome, Firefox, etc... are kidding themselves all these do is transfer your viewing history to a hidden folder so the basic user cannot retrieve easily... He is considering quitting his +$100,000 day job to do this full time, based on the number of cases he can work and the $$$ he can make.

 

Be safe people, even better buy a good external hard drive and keep it safe.

[Guest s******ecan****]

I will add my 2cents here for what its worth (and 2 cents is probably stretching it!)

 

You know her better than anyone else so you are in the best position to guage her response if you were to tell her what you have been up to. Frankly I doubt there are very many SO's who would be happy about the hobby. Think about her likely objections. She'll feel betrayed, inadequate, resentful of the money you're spending (think she hates your golf fees? Try explaining the whole concept of donations). Throw in the health concerns...well I could go on.

 

There is no way I'll ever confide in my SO (or anyone else) that I am in the hobby. I'm very careful and aware that I have to be perfect in covering my tracks. If you don't think you can do this and your SO falls into the above description I suggest you get out of the hobby or prepare for the worst ahead of time.

 

I believe many of us are in the hobby for the same reason. We are not finding sexual satisfaction at home. Most of us have probably tried many different ways to improve things. I know I have tried everything and still have come up nearly empty. I am not prepared to end my marriage over this when there is a outlet for my needs, but I run a risk everyday. I have routines, strategies, tradecraft if you will, to minimize those risks, but everyday I remind myself the risk can never be totally eliminated.

 

Be realistic about what you are involved in, and the stakes. Then plan accordingly.

[Guest s******ecan****]

A word of caution, unless you are using an external hard drive or working on a CPU that is not physically accessible to your SO ANYTHING you do on your CPU could be retrieved by a forensic computer specialist.

 

A friend of mine works as a forensic investigator on the side and examines CPU's for businesses, people who think their SO is cheating on them, kids are chatting with the wrong people, etc... It is scary what he can retrieve; every website ever visited (the date, the time what areas of the website you clicked on), all chat records, downloads, views, etc... EVERYTHING you do is retrievable unless you wipe your hard drive (not just a hard erase or delete all).

 

People who think they are safe using Google Chrome, Firefox, etc... are kidding themselves all these do is transfer your viewing history to a hidden folder so the basic user cannot retrieve easily... He is considering quitting his +$100,000 day job to do this full time, based on the number of cases he can work and the $$$ he can make.

 

Be safe people, even better buy a good external hard drive and keep it safe.

 

I do everything on my laptop, of which I am the only user who can log on(password required). Am I safe?

[Hotdog 100]

I do everything on my laptop, of which I am the only user who can log on(password required). Am I safe?

 

Reasonably, yes. There is always a way to farm information if you want it badly enough - packet sniffing on the network connection is one way, but that has to be done while you're connected.

 

Like any security with a PC these days, "layered security" and "discretion" are the keys. Make it too much of a pain in the ass or too expensive to get the information and people ususally won't bother unless they're desperate.

 

If someone gets hold of the laptop itself, it's easy to hack and get access. Always clear your web browsing history, etc. As cordsboy said, that's not perfect at all, but adds another layer of "pain in the ass" or "expense" to it, and discurages further investigation except by those who are most serious. Most people don't know where to begin looking for the kinds of services that can farm this info.

 

Having an exclusive PC is one good layer. Using public networks and not your own home network is another. Firewalls, encryption, physical privacy (like you have with the laptop), etc etc etc.

 

Like MacLean and MacLean said: "if you want it badly enough, motherf**ker, you will get it". Just keep everyone from wanting it at all, at least as far as that's possible.

[buggernot 588]

I do everything on my laptop, of which I am the only user who can log on(password required). Am I safe?

 

Only if your wife never gets to the point that she feels the need to steal it from you, then pay a company $10,000 to scour your hard drive. I'm probably exaggerating on the price, but what are the chances she goes beyond casual suspicion and even tries to get on your laptop by herself? And when she can't get on, she'll likely just give up after not being able to get past the password part.

 

Not saying it will not/does not happen, but not too many people go down the private investigations route. Costs money and can end up being a lot for something they might not be right about.

 

This is all pretty easy for me to say right now though...I'm unattached ;) Still need to be careful, but paranoia over every detail will be what kills you in the end.