Monogamy of the heart

[Guest S****r]

Monogamy of the heart......

I heard this expression today for the first time, and it really struck me! This is a concept that is probably practiced or experienced in this community more than in mainstream society. What do you think of when you hear those words? What do you think of the concept? and of the ramifications of living this concept?

 

As always, I am curious to hear your thoughts.

[roamingguy 300292]

Monogamy of the heart...well for me, and speaking only for me, back in the day when I was dating and had a girlfriend, I was monogamous. Never cheated. And if I had married (mind you I offer this caveat, never got tested) I would have been faithful. BTW no judgements implied here, every relationship is unique. But my thoughts on monogamy of heart, I believe it is a phrase used for someone caught in an affair. He/she once caught can say something like I really wasn't unfaithful, it was only physical etc etc etc, I still love you and you only...monogamy of the heart.

If a married spouse hears that from their partner, that would at least for me make me suspicious that an affair is going on

My two cents

A rambling

RG

[Nathalie L 112512]

I'm not entirely sure it's a concept practiced or experienced by this community, to be honest. At least in my experience, the intimacy shared (both physical and emotional) isn't 'monogamous' per se. To me, the expression doesn't embody anything I can relate to. My heart loves and cares about many people.

 

As RG stated, all relationships are unique. Regardless of whether you're heart is 'monogamous' or not, that doesn't mean we (clients or escorts) love our SOs any less, desire them any less, or respect them any less.

 

That being said, I think I'm poly at heart... ;)

Nat xox

[Guest realnicehat]

I believe it is a phrase used for someone caught in an affair. He/she once caught can say something like I really wasn't unfaithful, it was only physical etc etc etc, I still love you and you only...monogamy of the heart.

 

 

I don't share RG's view of the expression as an excuse or justification. There are many men and women out there who love their spouses and families dearly but still seek sexual release elsewhere for any number of reasons.

 

I think the expression might hold greater meaning amongst those who consider themselves polyamorous. I firmly believe it is possible to love someone completely yet still share your body with another. I'm guessing there may be more than a few on this board who would agree.

 

Any negative ramifications that could occur stem not from the concept itself but often from the accompanying deception. I think true monogamy of the heart only works if both partners are aware of the sexual activity taking place outside of the relationship.

[roamingguy 300292]

I don't share RG's view of the expression as an excuse or justification. There are many men and women out there who love their spouses and families dearly but still seek sexual release elsewhere for any number of reasons.

 

 

That was my point, I guess not clearly made. Someone caught in an affair, if even an affair for sexual release only, can tell their spouse that they are monogamous in their heart. I also would believe that if a spouse told his/her spouse out of the blue that he/she had monogamy of the heart, that would be a red flag that an affair, if even for sexual release only, was going on.

BTW I am not in any way shape or form implying that anyone having an affair doesn't love his/her spouse or family...every relationship is unique

 

RG

[Guest *l**e]

Hmmm...I never heard this phrase before, but I think I understand it differently. I'm not sure why everyone has gone immediately to "cheating" and using this phrase as an excuse.

 

I think it is completely plausible to be deeply in love with a person, giving them your heart, wholly and fully, yet still have sexual desires or passions for another person who has no connection to your heart. I've never quite understood why many people feel that if you truly love a person, you can no longer have desires for another.

 

Anyways, I'm a nut, so I could be waaaaaay freaking off here...lol...I do enjoy the thread though. I also like the thought of monogamy of the heart, whatever it may mean.

[Guest realnicehat]

That was my point, I guess not clearly made. Someone caught in an affair, if even an affair for sexual release only, can tell their spouse that they are monogamous in their heart. I also would believe that if a spouse told his/her spouse out of the blue that he/she had monogamy of the heart, that would be a red flag that an affair, if even for sexual release only, was going on.

BTW I am not in any way shape or form implying that anyone having an affair doesn't love his/her spouse or family...every relationship is unique

 

RG

 

No, you have taken the first paragraph out of my post and used it out of context to reaffirm your point about someone being "caught in an affair" without considering my remarks about those who would identify as polyamorous.

 

Let me give a specific example. I'm not sure how many of you are familiar with the adult actress Nina Hartley. Not only has she been in the adult film industry for decades but she has been very vocal on her polyamorous life style. I follow her on twitter and while she often remarks on her extracurricular activities (and those of hubby) it is very clear that she and her husband are head over heels in love. I think their relationship would be a perfect example of "monogamy of the heart".

[roamingguy 300292]

My point though, is if a spouse said to his/her spouse he/she had monogamy of the heart, it would lead to raising warning flags that an affair is going on, or said if caught in an affair. I am referring to couples in conventional monogamous relationships. I am not referring to those who are in poly amorous lifestyles. The phrase to me leads me to think along those lines. That the statement monogamy of the heart, which btw I haven't heard until today, is something which is said to attempt to minimize the hurt of an affair and reassure the spouse who has been cheated on (sorry hate using judgment laden terms) that the cheating partner still really loves her/him.

In a poly amorous relationship there is no such need for such a phrase. Both partners accept that they will both see other people and don't view their partner seeing other people as a threat needing a reassurance of being told monogamy of the heart. They can say the normal "I love you" A phrase, monogamy of the heart is not something normally heard of, and strikes me more as I said, something said by a spouse having or caught in an affair

RG

[Guest realnicehat]

That the statement monogamy of the heart, which btw I haven't heard until today, is something which is said to attempt to minimize the hurt of an affair and reassure the spouse who has been cheated on (sorry hate using judgment laden terms) that the cheating partner still really loves her/him.

 

For someone who has never heard the expression before today you seem very certain of it's meaning and usage.

 

I understood what you meant in your first post, and in your second. My issue was in your use of only a portion of mine, out of context, to support your view.

 

You continue to refer to "monogamy of the heart" as a statement. Perhaps if you would consider it also as a concept (as many others in this thread have) you might be able to see how the idea would fit in to the polyamorous world as something that can be practiced.

 

I'm not arguing against your point. Certainly if ones significant other, for some inexplicable reason, said "gee honey, I've always been monogamous of the heart" then yes, alarm bells should go off. I'm only asking you to also consider the idea as a concept.

 

I really like the way Il Re said it in his post.

[roamingguy 300292]

When Summer posted her thread today about this, she said she just heard it today. She also asked what do you think of when you hear these words.

I expressed merely my thoughts, nothing more, the same as others have. It isn't a case of being certain of it's meaning, it's just my take on the phrase, without having heard it before, that's all.

RG

[Regent 35404]

Let me give a specific example. I'm not sure how many of you are familiar with the adult actress Nina Hartley. Not only has she been in the adult film industry for decades but she has been very vocal on her polyamorous life style. I follow her on twitter and while she often remarks on her extracurricular activities (and those of hubby) it is very clear that she and her husband are head over heels in love. I think their relationship would be a perfect example of "monogamy of the heart".

 

I don't think "monogamy of the heart" describes polyamorous people at all. A key feature of polyamory is the practice/capacity/openness to having multiple romantic relationships, not just sexual ones. I think the concept of "monogamy of the heart" is antithetical to polyamory, as it suggests that you can only be in love with one person at a time, and if you're not open to or capable of loving more than one at a time then polyamory is definitely not the right description for your non-monogamy.

 

I think "monogamy of the heart" would better describe a more "open marriage" type of relationship, where two people are in love with each other and have sexual relationships outside their relationship, but aren't open to other loving or romantic connections.

 

"Monogamy of the heart" also strikes me as something that must be descriptive, not prescriptive. The heart wants what it wants, and we can't control our emotions. Some people are just not wired to be in love with more than one person at once, but I think more people are inclined to want to be monogamous for their partner but are fully capable of falling for someone else at the same time.

 

While I don't think I'd choose to use "monogamy of the heart" as a term, I do like differentiating between social, sexual and emotional monogamy, which are all very different concepts that tend to get lumped together under the umbrella of just "monogamy".

[MightyPen 67414]

I remember the first time I stumbled across this concept, though not the term -- in the movie "Reversal of Fortune" (1990). It's about a wealthy upper-class couple in New York, and at one point Jeremy Irons' character reluctantly informs his wife that his latest relationship "may fall outside the boundaries of our agreement."

 

It's been a while since I saw the movie, but younger-me's interpretation at the time was that they allowed each other to have little affairs, but their love and devotion were reserved for one another. (That's maybe too romantic a spin on it for such a detached and ultimately doomed couple; looking back now, it may have been more about appearances.)

 

I imagine this can certainly work, like any arrangement can for the right couple. At the same time, I imagine lots more people think this can work, than actually find that it can in practice.

 

Personally I might find the rule "love nobody but me" a more onerous burden than "fuck nobody but me"; we love lots of people in lots of ways in our lives, and I'd hate to give that up. You'd need to be very clear what was and wasn't allowed within this type of "monogamy" ("monoamory"? should we invent a word here?), and that would be hard.

[ApplesnDimples 100]

I havnt been in the adult entertainment industry long enough to make a comment about "monogamy of the heart' I do know that my freedom and independance is very important to me. I choose to remain single :) while I doubt that I would choose to go with monongamy of the heart if my relationship status changes. It's a tough one and I dont want to judge others or their relationship status.

[Guest *Ste***cque**]

What do I think of when I hear the words "Monogamy of the Heart"? I've never heard that phrase before but I get the concept. It depends on the situation, what I think of it.

Married-It's a cop out, unless you're both into a free or open love type arrangement, but those people usually don't get married as marriage is kinda... meh. My guess is being open about it rarely works out in a marriage because it's rare that both parties are equally committed to that lifestyle. If you are married and "stepping out" it seems to me it's better to follow a don't ask, don't tell policy than to justify your behaviour with "monogamy of the heart" crap. My wife wouldn't buy it and I wouldn't try to sell it to her. She may understand a man's need to occasionally get some, but she doesn't want to know about it and would prefer I just keep my actions infrequent and discreet. It works for us at least. Some may prefer total honesty but that doesn't factor in our human nature and our willingness to accept certain deceptions for evolutionary benefit, ie. a stable marriage. Having said all this, it would be best to find everything you need within the marriage, but if you can't and you want to stay married, try a little discretion.

Not married- you can try it but anyone wanting a longterm relationship probably won't buy in for the reasons stated above.

There are always exceptions but most people in a relationship want the whole kit and caboodle or at least want to feel like they have that.

I hope this doesn't sound too harsh.

[Boomer 33202]

I've never heard of the term before, but would like to throw out a unique twist to the term. As most of you are aware, I lost my wife to cancer about eight years ago. In a way I am "monogamous at heart" to her memory. Having had a fairly decently successful 25 year marriage, I have probably found that I have not felt urgency to commit to another long term committed relationship, finding some solace in some of the relationships I've established with some of the women in this industry. And, who knows, I won't be terribly disappointed if I never stumble on that woman.

[Midnite-Energies 110563]

If I heard this term used, my first thought would be of a committed loving couple who occasionally have sex outside the relationship. They are emotionally monogamous to one other but sexually open with others. This would work in terms of an SP who has a committed relationship but perhaps with the boundary of "this is work" and doesn't mean anything. In that situation, the partner could either be monogamous or perhaps also indulging. This would be a boundary communicated between partners.

 

I don't believe the term can even apply in polyamory because "Many loves" by definition excludes "single love" of monogamy. This does not mean that someone in a poly relationship can't be emotionally committed to partner A and B but love (in different ways) other partners.

 

As was mentioned, someone involved in an affair could use this term if they were only involved in the affair for sex however, most affairs are not limited only to sex, emotions can get involved on one or both sides. To me, anyone claiming monogamy of the heart entering into an affair is missing the point and opening themselves to heartache. If it were true MOTH, the better route would be a SP who enters with no strings and no attachments. Then there is semblance that the MOTH could be maintained.