Life Lessons learned from Movies and TV

[Old Dog 179138]

So.... I have been watching a LOT of movies lately. LOTS. There have been great ones and not so great ones. There are valuable lessons to be learned from every movie that you watch.... here are a few from me.

 

1. Never trust a bald guy with a cat. (James Bond, Austin Powers)

 

Lots of bald people on the planet. Lots of people with cats, too. You combine the two???? Deadly. Bald guys with cats generally belong to evil organizations that want to dominate the world. They have tanks filled with piranhas, sharks with lasers, ski teams with AK47's, and all kinds of other nasty things around their homes. Sure, they may seem polite and well spoken BUT... don't trust them.

 

2. Monkeys are fucking EVIL. (Planet of the Apes, 28 Days Later, Wizard of Oz)

 

Sure they look all cute and such, but that's because they live in the jungle or if they are near people, we keep them in cages. Let those little bastards out and they will attack. In force. Super intellectual orangutans, brutish gorillas, scientific chimpanzees, rage infected baboons, winged gibbons... thank god we don't shave them and give them cats.

 

3. The 5 second rule does not apply to zombies (The Walking Dead, Dawn of the Dead... pretty much any movie that is premised on zombies and has "dead" in the title)

 

Zombies are nasty. Sure they may have been humans at one point, but as part of their zombie union agreement, they had to forego the 5 second rule. So forget lying on the ground for a few minutes to make yourself less edible. You can roll around in dirt, cow poop, gravel, swamp slime... whatever... Zombies don't care. They'll still eat you. Bald, cat loving zombies started this practice.

 

4. Take off your glasses and become a different person (Superman I, II, III, IV, up to MCMLVXIII)

 

It happens all the time. I walk around in my secret identity. I wear glasses to read. When I take them off, people wonder who I am. I put them on and they recognize me. Wear different glasses and I am different again. I take the different glasses off and I am the same unrecognizable guy. Superman was a genius... but not an evil genius. Superman had hair, and no cat.

 

5. When taking a vacation at a cabin, always take a large breasted expendable friend. (pretty much any horror movie, ever.)

 

Here's the deal. We all know that psychos, axe murderers, chainsaw wielding demons, other-worldly beasts and bald guys with cats like to hang out in deeply forested regions with isolated cabins. Soooo... accompanied by a large breasted expendable friend, you go to the cabin. Send her in. She will explore the cabin whilst you unpack the car and do other things. If you hear a blood curdling scream (either coming from the dead animal filled basement or the really creepy cobwebbed upper floors), repack the car and leave. It's that simple. Ohhhh... and don't take a large breasted person that is actually likeable or has other redeeming qualities. Just take the expendable kind... I think they are listed on Kijiji.

 

Sooo.... what are your life lessons???

[Athos 108589]

words to live by ... following these rules I'm hoping that 2014 will be better than 2013.

 

I had too many run-ins with feline-toting bald guys, zombies (co-workers) and monkeys. I think I'll take off my glasses, pick up a big breasted blonde, and risk the cabin.

 

Porthos

[Guest *l**e]

how about this one...

 

You can be a spy who gets captured and tortured by literally dozens of different terrorists in a 24 hour period and still be considered a really great spy.

[roamingguy 300292]

Brothers Can't Be Trusted And Can Be Vengeful Too-The Godfather

 

Fredo (the older brother) betrayed the family (and Michael the younger brother) and Michael exacted his vengeance by having Fredo killed

 

Watch Out For Short Guys They Can Be Violent and Psychotic-Casino and Goodfellas

 

Joe Pesci's characters in Casino and Goodfellas, lets just say he had more than just a bad mood LOL

 

RG

[Old Dog 179138]

6. When a large breasted expendable friend is unavailable, use substitutes (again almost every horror flick, ever)

 

Okay... You knew this would happen. You've gone to the cabin a few times and used up all your large breasted expendable friends. No fears. Three other options are available. Your tough friend, that played high school or university football. Yup. The arrogant meathead that still wears his letterman jacket. The one that was a guaranteed pussy magnet in those days of old. Let's face it. You never liked him anyhow, you were just waiting for the ones that he turned down. He's always a good candidate for sacrifice. Once he is done, you can also substitute the whiny little sister that no one wanted to come, but tagged along anyhow OR the hipster tree hugger that wants to hand the psycho a flower and smoke illegal drugs. Those ones are great alternatives PLUS there are a ton of them around.

 

7. Before 1980, anything that left the road exploded. (Pretty much any movie made before 1980)

 

You know it. Cars, trucks, vans, semis, cube vans... anything that veered off the road in a chase scene exploded. No particular reason. It happened in historical dramas too. Chariots, covered wagons, carriages, horses, mastodons, wooly mammoths, old people, children, dog sleds... they all exploded too. I'm sure of it. Of course prior to 1980 I used a LOT of umm.... supplements... that's it. Supplements and explosions. Nuff said.

 

8. Everybody had a memorable phone number. (Every movie EVER)

 

"Hey babe. What's your number?"

"Ohhhh your cute... I'll write it on a napkin. 555-1212."

 

9. The CIA has a dedicated team armed with harpoons and orange wetsuits, just in case there's a need to have an epic underwater 200 man harpoon battle to save the world. (James Bond - Thunderball.)

 

Yup. I believe it too. How else would you defend the world against a 100 man team of evil agents dispatched by a cat loving bald guy, dressed in black wetsuits and carrying equally lethal harpoons??? C'mon folks. This is REAL!!!

 

10. The Empire has a massive army, but none of them can shoot for shit. (Star Wars IV, V, VI, I, II, III)

 

No wonder the Emperor and Darth Vader were so freakin' cranky. The Empire was gigantic and there must have been a BILLION stormtroopers but none of them learned how to aim.

 

11. Chinese people are incredibly patient and very very polite. (Every Kung Fu movie)

 

Ever notice? Bruce Lee gets in a battle with a group of Chinese martial artists and not a single one of them said, "Psst, we should all attack the little bastard all at once. We'd have a great chance and beating the crap out of him." Nope. Politely, they all waited their turn to be given an ass whooping by Mr. Lee. Nobody said, "Hey, wouldn't it be easier just to shoot him?" Nope. That would not be honourable. Gotta love Chinese people.