"Cheating"? non-fs

[Inthevalley 220]

My view is, as bad as it may sound, you have to look out for #1 (yourself).

 

I pretty much consider flirting "cheating".

 

I do have a gf and I do consider it cheating no matter how small the act.

 

That being said (lol, seinfeld), the relationship I am in does not fulfill my desires sexuallly, so to speak. There is sex and love, but it's nice to have an extra lil massage every now and then. So I am most definitely "cheating" by my principals.

 

I personally get more turned on around my gf after experiencing a massage... now smh

 

Not looking for comfort here.... Just opinions.. You all contributed very well :)

 

Thanks

 

ps. I hate this moderated account....I'm so late in posts ****turns out its not moderated

[Tsukiyo_Chevalier 3242]

Well maybe I'm confused. If I were in a relationship I would be monogamous and likewise expect my SO to be monogamous. I always was when dating and in relationships

But one thing about this lifestyle, which has replaced dating for me, is the poly amorous nature of it. Everyone, ladies and gents alike can enjoy seeing more than partner be it SP or Client, no guilt, no strings, no complications

And I could not envision going back to dating now because I couldn't be in a monogamous relationship after being in this poly amorous lifestyle.

But if I should go back to dating and a relationship I would be monogamous and I would expect my SO to be monogamous as well

Is that confused or what? :-)

 

RG

 

 

I know and feel the same way. I treat this hobby like close friend with extras :) I like talking and feeling close to every lady i see. however when i do get into a long term relationship i will be completely faithful to that person, unless of course they want a threesome or something like that then we will need to talk at that point :) but i know i have been through and seen to much of the cheating thing and would not like to go there again. would i stop talking or having a conversation with the lady's in this hobby i have formed friendships with no. but i would explain this if needed to the person i was with at that time that it is nothing more then that. kind of like being friends with an old boyfriend/girlfriend kind of thing.

 

over all what people chose to do is there own choice, I just do not like it when people get hurt. but that is just my op.

[Athos 108589]

These things are complex. So my vows were multifaceted and based on a number of mutually interdependent expectations/promises. Circumstances change, things become more complex.

 

So, I've been married 25 years this year. I remain a "loyal" provider, friend, supporter. I devote myself 110% to the wellbeing of my family. I'm the sole breadwinner, I have supported my partner through a number of physical and mental health issues. We remain "in love", or at least in love the way two people with a deep emotional connection are. Physical intimacy has left that relationship, and has a long time ago. Over the past 15 years we have had sex twice. They are memorable occasions, so I do remember. We have tried, even recently, to rekindle a physical relationship, but at the end of the day my partner really just isn't interested/able to engage in that sort of intimacy.

 

So, I guess I cheat. I have broken one of the vows I made. Who among us hasn't broken a vow at one point in time in our lives. At the same time, in most other respects I remain a completely devoted partner. Would it have been better to have left years ago on the basis that I wasn't happy with our sex life, while everything else in the relationship has been loving and supportive. It strikes me that would also have been devestating to her, and more than a little selfish. As an alternative, should I have stayed and become celibate. I'm 51 this year. Count back from the figures I gave you above, and I hope most would agree that ths would have been an unacceptable proposition.

 

So what to do. Walk a mile in someone else's shoes.

 

I think you are right RG ... "cheating" is inherently a pejorative and judgemental term. But there actually is no "value-free" term for this. "stepping out", "wandering", etc., etc. They all imply the breaking of the vows of monogomy and assume a degree of judgement. Perhaps the problem is really with the concept of monogamy. Is it possible to genuinely be in love completely and in all respects with one person your entire life. Does falling "out of love" necessarily require the ending of a relationship. Or can the relationship become something else, and yet remain meaningful. I'm not sure. I applaud and envy anyone that can. My parents hated each other but stayed together. I love my partner, but have sex with others. I'm extremely careful, and make sure that none of it comes back to harm her. For sure, I wish I could tell her and she would understand and accept. I know she couldn't do that. Yes, i cheat. I can live with it.

 

Just a bit of philosophizing for what it is worth.

 

Porthos

[6dave9 4008]

These things are complex. So my vows were multifaceted and based on a number of mutually interdependent expectations/promises. Circumstances change, things become more complex.

 

So, I've been married 25 years this year. I remain a "loyal" provider, friend, supporter. I devote myself 110% to the wellbeing of my family. I'm the sole breadwinner, I have supported my partner through a number of physical and mental health issues. We remain "in love", or at least in love the way two people with a deep emotional connection are. Physical intimacy has left that relationship, and has a long time ago. Over the past 15 years we have had sex twice. They are memorable occasions, so I do remember. We have tried, even recently, to rekindle a physical relationship, but at the end of the day my partner really just isn't interested/able to engage in that sort of intimacy.

 

So, I guess I cheat. I have broken one of the vows I made. Who among us hasn't broken a vow at one point in time in our lives. At the same time, in most other respects I remain a completely devoted partner. Would it have been better to have left years ago on the basis that I wasn't happy with our sex life, while everything else in the relationship has been loving and supportive. It strikes me that would also have been devestating to her, and more than a little selfish. As an alternative, should I have stayed and become celibate. I'm 51 this year. Count back from the figures I gave you above, and I hope most would agree that ths would have been an unacceptable proposition.

 

So what to do. Walk a mile in someone else's shoes.

 

I think you are right RG ... "cheating" is inherently a pejorative and judgemental term. But there actually is no "value-free" term for this. "stepping out", "wandering", etc., etc. They all imply the breaking of the vows of monogomy and assume a degree of judgement. Perhaps the problem is really with the concept of monogamy. Is it possible to genuinely be in love completely and in all respects with one person your entire life. Does falling "out of love" necessarily require the ending of a relationship. Or can the relationship become something else, and yet remain meaningful. I'm not sure. I applaud and envy anyone that can. My parents hated each other but stayed together. I love my partner, but have sex with others. I'm extremely careful, and make sure that none of it comes back to harm her. For sure, I wish I could tell her and she would understand and accept. I know she couldn't do that. Yes, i cheat. I can live with it.

 

Just a bit of philosophizing for what it is worth.

 

Porthos

 

Porthos,

EVERY single word written in your last post portrais what I am living and what I have lived (parents).

We are cut from the same mold, as it were...and I suspect many other colleges here on CERB are as well.

I could not convey what I am living any better than what you have already said. I have been meaning to post this very image at an appropriate occasion.

Thanks for sharing.

Cheers

D.

[Ice4fun 78407]

I kinda think that the Question of cheating Vs not cheating really does not have an answer that is relevant to anyone but the two people who are in a relationship.

 

In my particular situation...i know that my wife's expectation is 100% monogamy.... it would be

Stupid and dishonest of me to try to justify my actions by saying...its just a massage... or just a hand job...or its just sex... not emotional. I know what I agreed to with my wife....this is cheating.

 

What is cheating for others would depend on what their significant others expectation was.

 

Just my opinion.

[Guest Miss Jane TG]

In my particular situation...i know that my wife's expectation is 100% monogamy....

 

It is this unreasonable expectation from most women over the globe which is the main driving force for this industry. Average men were not designed or let's say evolved for monogamous relationship.

 

In my opinion, nothing in this industry is about cheating as long as both ends of the equation do not mix the illusion with the reality. The essence of this lifestyle is money for companionship, and not companionship for companionship.

[Jim.Bean 241]

my wife has played with my best friend twice. She doesn't know I found out and I don't care to make a deal of it. my bud told me out of guilt and I told him as long as it isn't relational it doesn't bother me.

I've been with SP's & MP's and stay away from women I know as to not develop relationships.

its sexual and doesn't impact our relationship. and no my wife doesn't know and why would I tell her something she would find hurtful

[Ice4fun 78407]

It is this unreasonable expectation from most women over the globe which is the main driving force for this industry. Average men were not designed or let's say evolved for monogamous relationship.

 

In my opinion, nothing in this industry is about cheating as long as both ends of the equation do not mix the illusion with the reality. The essence of this lifestyle is money for companionship, and not companionship for companionship.

 

I am not suggesting that this business is about anything other than business... what I am saying is that if I understand what the expectations of my partner are and I let her believe I accept those expectation then when I do something that I know goes against those expectations then I am cheating.

 

It's not a value judgment on whether monogamy is right or wrong I believe everyone can make their own choice it is just my saying that for me...if I have let my significant other believe that I will not have sex with anyone else and I do... i have cheated and I cannot blame her for being upset only myself for not being honest enough to truly tell her how I feel about monogamy.

 

Just my opinion....