Forgiveness

[Fresh start 17467]

I was completely caught off guard the other day and was asked a question that bothering me.

 

A co-worker of mine just had a family member of his pass away. He claims that they were never close and that there was tension amongst them. he wasn't sure if he would attend the funeral. He was concerned what others would think if he didn't attend. So he asked me what I thought. I told him he shouldn't concern himself what others thought and he should only go if he wanted to.

 

This is where he completely surprised me, he asked me if I could ever forgive a certain person I have not seen or spoken to in many years. If I could forgive the things this person has done. My immediate reaction was no, never! Then he asked well what if that person apologized? Shocked, again I responded no. Without going into detail this person is a blood relative that has caused a lot of physical and emotional pain.

 

Now, I still say no, but feel bad as if I should.

 

Is there such things out there that is unforgivable? Should I feel this guilt like I'm the bad person? I do believe in second chance but not in this case.

[LDBF123 675]

so I'm new at this but Ima give this my honest first impression. the one thing in my mind where I personally could not forgive is any abuse where a child or a handicapped individual is involved. In almost any other set of circumstances where there is true remorse I think I could see a way to forgive. the situation where someone is clearly not in a position to understand what is happening or is betrayed as a child...well, I dont think I could ever forgive. that may seem harsh but it is how I feel.

[jafo105 39057]

My mother passed away recently. There had always been tension between my mother and her family. My Aunts did not want to attend the funeral or reception but they did. Other people at the funeral told them wonderful stories about my mother. This helped them with their closure and gave them a sense of peace and forgiveness.

 

 

Forgiving someone who has done you wrong can be a bitter pill to swallow. Your first reaction is probably to hold on to your anger and to blame the person who caused you pain. This is natural. However, what you must understand is that holding on to hurt and anger causes you more pain than the person your anger is directed towards. For this reason, it is necessary to forgive - not for the other person, but for yourself.

 

In order to forgive, it is necessary to let go of all the negative emotions you harbor towards the other person. Anger, hurt, betrayal, bitterness, regret - you need to find an outlet for all of these bad feelings, otherwise they will fester and cause you further pain. Remember, you are not doing this to ease the other person's conscience or to condone their actions, you are doing it to allow yourself to heal and move forward.

[leafman1980 220]

I will forgive almost anything but personally have one person who I will never forgive. It is a very close relative and my bitterness is for actions done to another relative. I can forgive what was done to me but not to the other person. I keep getting told to forgive by the "wronged" person but I don't see it happening. People think I'm joking when I say I'll use the bereavement days for golfing, but I'm serious. I'm not saying my feelings are acceptable but that's just how I feel. I try to be a decent human to everyone but there's one person I'd be more than happy to never see again.

[CristyCurves 169032]

Jafo105 is right and I don't think anyone can say it better. Remember forgiving isn't forgetting, it's the best way to heal and to move on. Not an easy thing to do but the best thing.

[CuriousMatt 660]

Forgiveness is not an easy thing. Especially when that anger and bitterness has been built up and held on for a long time. That being said, isn't just about forgiving the person that wronged you. It is also about letting go all of those negative emotions and forgiving oneself. You forgive yourself for the weakness that allowed you to hold on to that grudge for so long. You forgive yourself, because you could not find a way to bridge the divide... and so on and so forth.

 

What I am trying to say is that forgiving someone, even after they have passed can be a very cathartic experience.

[Guest c**io**m7]

I have to agree with jafo. I don't need to go into too many details but, I had an "interesting" childhood, to say the least. There are people who should probably be dead but, I have learned something over the years...I do not want to be a bitter man.

 

The affect on me has been an inability to trust people's love for me, the inability to love myself, the inability to believe my needs are important to anyone except myself, the inability to accept rejection etc...etc...etc.

 

Step one to healing myself was to forgive. Until I did that, the skeletons haunted me.

 

My point, for what it is worth: I was hurting myself and those I love by not forgiving these people. Forget? Never. Forgive? At some point, you have to.

 

Important to note: the feeling of liberation once you forgive and begin healing is exhilarating. For me, when I finally trusted love...wow...can't explain.

[Ice4fun 78407]

I can tell you from personal experience that there are things that people can do that make it extremely difficult to forgive. Sometimes we don't want to forgive because the pain is just to hard.... sometimes we don't want to forgive because we are too angry... and sometimes we don't want to forgive because we want to punish and hurt the other party like they have hurt us and we see forgiving them as letting them off the hook.

 

As others in this thread have said forgiving is not forgetting it is releasing yourself from the hurt and pain of the act you are forgiving... its about you and not them.

 

That is the wonderful truth... to forgive is to release yourself so you can move on... but while it makes perfect sense it is often an excruciating thing to do... i know... i have people in my life that I need to forgive but the reality is I can't.... its been years but I just can't. this does not make me a bad person just a person who is still healing... it's OK to give your self the time to do that...when you do the forgiveness will come.

 

Just my opinion.

[Midnite-Energies 110563]

Hanging onto negative emotions and thoughts of someone doing us wrong is only hurting us. It doesn't hurt the person we are upset with, it doesn't teach them a lesson. By holding onto these feelings, we are giving someone power over us and how we feel. It eats away at us and focuses our energy in not so nice ways. It's not easy to forgive but there are ways to deal with it.

 

Does hanging onto this stuff serve you positively? Do you feel better because of it? Are you relationships better because of it? Most of the time, the answer is no if we're honest. I can tell you from experience that forgiving (not forgetting) can lift weights you never even knew existed on your shoulders.

 

This also moves into the arena of being offended on behalf of someone else. Why would you pick up someone else's baggage, don't you have enough of your own?

 

Forgiveness is not an act but an attitude. Forgiveness is personal for our own good and for the good of others, this is why it is an attitude. If it were an act, it would be a tactic to improve, stop bad feelings or anger directed at us and it would have no meaning. It would be manipulation. Forgiveness is empowering for us and dis-empowering for others. I'm all for anything that empowers us.

 

Spiritual whoha...my two cents.

[Studio 110 by Sophia 150333]

Not much more to add to the wonderful advice here, but here is a little mantra I say to myself when I have been wronged.

 

" I wish you find peace and happiness somewhere away from me"

 

Instead of saying

 

" I hate you, I wish you harm"

 

I find that mantra allows me to forgive and move on without harbouring anger towards that person. It also allows karma to take over.

[6dave9 4008]

As an additional insight, I have a situation that involves a neighbor, rather than a family member.

In this case, he completely conjured up a story about me and I completely fell for his shenanigans, made quite the fool out of me.

When it all became clear to me, I shunned him for well over a year until he made an effort to make amends...

..so I forgave.. (somewhat against my better judgment, but my personality, upbringing and religion pushed me otherwise) but not forgot.... things were civilized, but never to be as they were before.

A year later, I was subjected to more antics.... (there were witnesses to the prelude of these antics this time).

Needless to say he is now -persona non grata-

 

So here I am.... is it possible to -Not forgive- ever... yes its possible...

My 2c

Thx for listening.

[Fresh start 17467]

Here I am confused,

I have no desire or wish, them harm. Thing cannot be undone I know and accept that. I don't dwell or think about unless brought up or reminded, memory triggered by something.

My only thought is what if? Am I wrong, overreacting?

Then I begin to doubt myself.

Whether or not this person were to apologize I highly doubt I could ever see this person. I've seen this person before in public and I immediate get sick to the stomach and get all tense with anxiety.

 

I try to look positive, I mean it has made me much stronger in someways but weaker in others.

 

So if I don't have anger or hatred anymore have I forgiving them? But there will always be this doubt.

[roamingguy 300292]

Well and just my opinion, but it isn't up to the injured party to initiate forgiveness. How can one forgive someone when the party who has done the injuring hasn't even apologized. And a apology means absolutely nothing unless there is genuine remorse. Without remorse an apology is just words.

For me this hits very close to home. My family (mother, brother and sister in law) did something to me that affects my life, to this day, negatively. The damage, don't know if it's permanent or temporary. All my mother can do is comment about how I don't visit her as often, my brother, the odd phone call, and nothing from my sister in law. I can't forgive them, because they haven't even acknowledged the damage they've done to me, and in the case of my mother, all she can focus on is how what she did to me affects her (I don't visit as often).

The relationship between my family and me was close to being estranged. It's a bit better now, not great, but not a hateful one. But no matter what, I'll never trust them again. And I don't know now, if I can forgive them. I do know if it turns out the damage they did is permanent I just won't be able to forgive them.

RG

[qwertyaccount 15793]

It is often said "forgive and forget".

 

Especially when dealing with relatives, forgetting may be an easier solution than forgiving.

 

After sufficient time, simply forget about the issue and continue the relationship as if the issue never happened.

 

Family is forever, and as we all get older, kids aside, we have less and less family left.

[piano8950 32577]

My ex and I didn't get along at the end of our relationship. There were some good parts, and I know I made my share of mistakes, but while we once thrived, by the end, it felt abusive. Yet I stayed longer then I should have. I kept telling myself that it was worth it, that it would turn around.

 

And I snapped one day, nothing particular major happened. We were just talking normally, and I barely said anything. Said bye, and left. We didn't talk for months after. I was so angry at her, and angry at myself for wanting to go back. And slowly I started to heal.

 

I can honestly say that after a year, I felt no resentment towards her. Oddly enough, a few months later, she messaged and apologized for what she had become, what she had done.

 

The part of forgiveness is to manage your own emotions. It was too taxing to hate her. It consumed me, and literally served no purpose. I've heard the term "forgive but don't forget". I think I actually get it now. I always thought that by not forgetting, there is a small part deep inside you that never lets go to that anger/pain. But it's not that, for me it was making choices wiser. Looking out for myself to avoid getting hurt again that way.

[roamingguy 300292]

It is often said "forgive and forget".

 

Especially when dealing with relatives, forgetting may be an easier solution than forgiving.

 

After sufficient time, simply forget about the issue and continue the relationship as if the issue never happened.

 

Family is forever, and as we all get older, kids aside, we have less and less family left.

 

I understand what you are saying, and seeing as my father passed away last year and I have a mother, brother, sister in law and nephew left, yes, I have a smaller family. At one time I might have agreed with you thinking family is everything. But when your family, two I have known all my life, one for thirty years, do something, knowing full well the consequences to me, maybe permanent, that they do not have to live with those consequences, but I do...well being family isn't an automatic get a forgive and forget get out of jail free card. Every day since October 13th I've had to live with what they did. I can't forget, and they have no remorse or given even an apology, so I can't forgive. My life is upside down right now because of them (not being melodramatic, it's really upside down), maybe just till May, maybe forever. If forever, how can I ever forget? And no matter what, I'll never trust them again

RG

[Athos 108589]

forgiveness is a two way street. The other person also needs to be accepting of forgiveness. In other words, take some responsibility for what they did, and be willing to acknowledge the affect of their actions on you. If they can't do that, then it is very hard to forgive unconditionally.

 

when it is possible, though, i think forgiveness should always be sought. Both the opportunity to be forgiven, but also the opportunity to extend forgiveness. My father and I had a very strained relationship. When he was dying of cancer, we had an opportunity to sit and talk, over long periods of time, in ways we never had when he was healthy. We both had a chance to really get to know each other again, in a different way. We both came to understanding and forgiveness, and the fact that we were able to do that before he passed is something I treasure to this day.

[Ice4fun 78407]

I will just add that forgiveness is not something you give to someone else it is a gift you give to yourself. It frees you from the pain of the issue and really has nothing to do with the the person who hurt you.

 

Without forgiveness you continue to allow the person who hurt you to have power within your life letting it go frees you... it does not mean everything goes back to the way it was.. just that you have released yourself from the emotional baggage.

 

Do it for you not for them.... Great idea just really hard to do.

 

Just my opinion.

[JoyfulC 132299]

It's crucial to forgive. If for no other reason than that it drives the bastards crazy.

 

But seriously, I've had to do some serious forgiving over the years, and people are right when they say you should forgive for yourself. Some people: you can forgive them, you can wish them all the best, but you know, in your heart, that they probably won't have it because they just have their heads stuck too far up their own asses to allow themselves to.

 

But having forgiven, you're free to move on.

[muncher459 1040]

I will just add that forgiveness is not something you give to someone else it is a gift you give to yourself. It frees you from the pain of the issue and really has nothing to do with the the person who hurt you.

 

Without forgiveness you continue to allow the person who hurt you to have power within your life letting it go frees you... it does not mean everything goes back to the way it was.. just that you have released yourself from the emotional baggage.

 

Do it for you not for them.... Great idea just really hard to do.

 

Just my opinion.

 

this is exactly what I was thinking as I read through this thread.....forgiving is about letting go of your anger and hurt....it is not about giving peace to someone else....that is their responsibility....

 

Forgiveness doesn't mean that life goes back to where it was....it doesn't mean you ever allow that person to be in the position to hurt you again...it just means you let go....

[cinelli 22184]

Funerals are for the benefit of the survivors.

 

Attending a funeral does not mean that approved of the deceased's actions. Making a point of NOT going doesn't send any message to the dead person.

 

You go to support your other family members.

[roamingguy 300292]

I don't agree forgiving allows you peace and lets you move on. I believe you can only forgive if the injuring party has first shown genuine remorse and an apology, something which shows they understand and regret the injury they caused you. And remorse and an apology, if and when given, has to be empathetic. In other words the person giving the apology has to recognize, understand and regret what they did to you.

For example, my mother's regret is that I don't visit very often and even when I do it's only for very short periods of time. And I don't drive her to her appointments anymore. That's not remorse, that's someone who only can see how things affect her

Now the forgetting part is something else. I still dwell on what they've done, it's still fresh in my mind, final outcome not determined, yet. But

while I can't forget what they've done, I can forget them, in the sense they are no longer people who matter to me. My visits and communications with them less and less and one day I'll probably have nothing to do with them at all

A morning rambling

RG

[Guest c**io**m7]

RG, we often see eye to eye but we certainly have slightly different perspectives on this topic. Ah yes, the beauty of individualism and free thinking.

 

I am actually opposite. I don't care if I get a remorseful apology or if they understand how I have been hurt.

 

I will admit, it makes it easier to forgive but is not required for me to forgive...it just means it will take me longer to let myself forgive such transgressions.

 

I only forgive so I can smile from within. I forgive out of pure selfishness. I will say this: those I have forgiven who have refused to acknowledge wrong doing will eventually get what they deserve in some shape or form. A wise Cerb lady has educated me on Karma and I have very recently seen it in action. I feel bad for how Karma has visited this person in my life but, at the same time, look at it and think: "I forgave you but, you really are getting what you deserve"

[roamingguy 300292]

I like the quotes like always forgive your enemies nothing annoys them so much. Really that's not forgiveness (nothing wrong with that btw) that's using the words forgiveness to play head games with someone...again nothing wrong with that

Me, I can't (maybe later on, but what happened to me is still too fresh) forgive

That doesn't mean I dwell with anger every day, just the close family we once were is gone

Forget, I can't forget what they did...every day I have numerous daily reminders of what they did.

But forget in the sense I want to forget they are family, and I want them out of my life...which is slowly happening...in that sense yes I forget. I very rarely see them, I used to visit about once a month, now not so much

Part of what hurts is that I know my life would be better right now if I had no family at all. It's hard to forgive your family, when you've always believed family is everything, and they bring you to a point where you believe family is the worst thing that ever happened to you and your better off without them, if that makes sense

From a unforgiving RG :icon_evil:

[Guest N***he**Ont**y]

Politics is in every family I am afraid even mine. I have no contact at all with my mothers twin brother's side of the family because of the Shrew he married. Choices had to be made and when my uncle passed last June I was not there for him because of the woman he was married too. I really tried to put up with her insults about my immediate family she kept making so I decided to cease all contact. I have even done that with my father's brother too. No personal contact for over 25 years. I heard he was sorry his actions but it was two late. I am a generous person but if stabbed in the back I don't forgive very easily. In fact I would rather drop all contact with that person and will do so. Seems as I get older I would rather move forward then look back. Not having that baggage to carry any more has made me a better person/ Cheers!