What do you do if ...

[Capital Hunter 18263]

You know, ... I have been thinking for long and hard whether I should post this and eventually I decided to go ahead and if it is offensive to anyone, I am confident that the mod would remove it.

 

I saw a movie tonight (Elegy) which impacted on me significantly. It was the story of a 50 something year old professor in love with his 20 year old student. He was pathetic, feeling miserable as his life turned upside down raged with jeolousy and the fact that he knew it is only a matter of time before she wakes up and lose her one day soon when she realizes the age difference and walk away with a younger man. He was avoiding her and her family for all good reasons and feeling miserable and guilty all the time. His love turned into nightmare for him and also affected the young lady as she felt rejected and miserable too.

 

Why it impacted on me? Likely because I figure it could be the (future) story of my life. I am not yet there (as old as Ben Kingsley who was playing the professor's role) but will be one day. I have been strongly attracted to 19-25 age range ever since I was 20 years old myself and still am more than two decades later and my guess, still will be 2 decades from now. More importantly I can emotionally only relate to that age range. I wish there was a pill that I could take and change and become attracted to women of my own age. I too have fallen for girls of that age many times, a recent one, only two years ago when a 22 year old asked me to move in with me which I turned down citing age difference and the fact that I like variety (and a couple of more recent but less serious cases), but walking away (before it gets serious so that I don’t hurt the young girl) hurts me instead everytime. Though I must confess the initial stages of falling (and see and feel the interest and response by young lady) has been very pleasant everytime.

 

Anyways wanting to share this (possibly to be qualfied as a problem) and see if there is anyone else like me , do you think that it is a problem? and if so, is there anything that can be done to change me? so that I start having feelings for women of my own age rather than those half my age.

[Kubrickfan 12836]

SA --

 

I think some of the answers you seek lie within the statements you make. For instance, you say that you have always been attracted to the 19-25 year old group of ladies. But you state it as a conclusion ... why exactly are you attracted to that age group? I think you need to understand that, and I think as you look at the issue more closely you will find that is helpful to working through this issue. I would say that it is common for clients, or guys that like hanging out with younger women that they are trying to find or preserve their own youth.

 

Also, have you ever had a committed or long-term relationship with someone of that age group? I would guess not, but I could be wrong. What were the dynamics with that 22-year old that wanted to move in? Was it mostly financial, or was the girl seeking a level of security? Was she looking for a more stable person in her life?

 

The good news is that as you discover the "whys," you can seek out people closer to your age (or at least within 10 years) that possess those qualities as your likelihood of success is going to be much higher IMHO.

[silverado17 12689]

thought about that myself being a hobbiest being 50 seeing young girls 20 and 21 say it did happen what happens in 20 years when your 70 and there 40 still looking to party next thing you know there gone and your by yourself at 70 so i would look around for one my own age but it is fun to be with the younger ones

[Capital Hunter 18263]

Very good comments Kubrickfan. Honestly I have no idea whatsoever as why I am attracted to that age group. Everytime I hang out with that age group, I start having feelings for them wanting to hug and kiss and more which do not have those feelings with those in their 40's. I guess that the physics and chemistry is there with those in their 20's and not with those in their 30's and 40's.

 

For example I was in love with a 19 year old ten years ago havng strong physical and emotional attraction. When I moved to Ottawa 10 years ago, I had to stop seeing her (long story) and now she is almost 30 and still single and when I travel to Montreal still sometimes I pay a visit to her BUT now I have little attraction for the same girl whom I used to have many sleepless nights just thinking about her, only 10 years ago!!!!!!. This makes me wonder if I can ever have a long term committed relationship unless I marry someone who would never age lol!!!!

 

I have been in very short term committed relationships, as factors such as age difference (recent factor) and strong desire for variety (always has been a factor) make it impossible for a long term one. Also what you said (feeling young when hanging out with young girls) may be very true, but the reality is that I wish I could date those of my own age except that as I mentioned dating someone with little or no physical or emotional attraction in not fun really and may be even deceiving on my part as I have to pretend. The reason for the 22 year old was that I think she was seeking security for herself (both financial and personal) but I could be wrong.

 

Thanks for the great comments though.

[Newton 714]

SA,

 

I don't think attracted to young and beautiful women is a problem. See Larry King and Donald Trump. One should feel lucky.

 

It's also normal for young and beautiful women to fall for sucessful older men.

 

The issue is whether there are sufficient sexual attraction and intellectual compatibility between the two persons.

 

If yes, the age difference shouldn't be a barrier. What you could have done was some heart to heart talk with that young lady. What she wanted, what you wanted.

 

Talk, more talk is good thing and can lead to a good outcome.

Posted via Mobile Device

[Newton 714]

And if you found it was not a good match, it's also a good outcome.

Posted via Mobile Device

[Capital Hunter 18263]

Yes talking is always good and I shouldn't be frightened away from it. The issue here are two.

 

One - Whether I will still have my sexual attraction to her 10 years from now.

Two - Equally important, whether she would like to stay with me 10 or worse 20 years from now (equally likely she may not hold her sexual attraction to me) when she can have a younger 30-40 year old rather than someone in his (will be) 60's.

Also, I am thinking like what she would do the last 20 years of her life without me as statistically speaking she would be a lonely old widow lol.

 

Thanks very much though Newton for the encouraging comments and great advice. highly appreciated and will look into it in any future encounter.

[buggernot 588]

People may change on the inside as they get older, but the essence of who they are will remain the same. Actually, with age and life experience, a person generally becomes more rounded and interesting.

 

Your 30 year old friend should be more attractive now than she was 10 years ago, unless all you see is the outer shell. If you don't start realizing that, yes you are setting yourself up for a life by yourself.

 

Every time I hear someone say that they like variety, makes me wonder about why they don't understand that you have to give a little before you get. Sure, it's great and all to have a steady harem of young, beautiful girls at your disposal, but if you want real companionship, you have to make sacrifices.

 

There's nothing better than waking up next to someone who cares about you and vice-versa.

[Capital Hunter 18263]

Very true and sound comments buggernot. It will work for a great majority of people likely could for me too and I will thoroughly think and likely (try to) act upon your comments. Thanks.

 

Please note that me making committment solves only one part of the equation and even if I am able to make a committment to my 20-22 year old friend, the other side of equation remains unsolved as I am not sure 10 years from now whether she would be still interested in me or she would rather be with a 30 year old (with half of everything that I worked hard to possess lol!!!)

[bassnut 178]

My biggest worry when I decided to get back into this hobby was dealing with the possible emotional atachment if you met someone that you really connected with.

 

Its a tough thing to make work. My X was 11 years older than me, we were together for almost 12 years and a good buddy is married to a lady 20+ years older than him. I think that one is probably an exception more than a norm. There needs to be a comon ground to make something like this work and I doubt most experiences will work in the long run.

 

There are exceptions of course. I am 45 and just couldn't see myself hooking up with someone 20 years old ....... good freinds , sure but the things that she would be interested in now are the same things I used to be interested 25 years ago. I just couldn't see myself going down that road again.

[Guest s******ecan****]

Being attracted to girls in that age range seems perfectly normal to me. The only concerns would be how this attraction affects the other parts of your life. Does it dominate your decision making etc.

[etasman2000 15994]

In many ways age is a number, there are mature driven 19 years old as there are childish 50. Note: I'm differencing between childish and childlike here.

 

Every day you have a choice to either live one year ten times over or ten years once. You choose.

 

Attraction is like a kettle of water, it can heat up over time, cool down over time or remain the same temperature. Each avenue requires effort from both parties.

 

A wise man once said in a true relationship the give-and-take is 80/20 from both sides.

 

The wise man also added at 12:22 am it is time for bed. Good night.

[cat 262460]

Why does a relationship have to be "forever" to be considered successful? Why do we expect it not to change over time? Everything about our existence is transient, either in an expansion phase or a decline phase and will never remain the same. The relationship we have with someone one day is not the same relationship we have with them the next. Every action and every experience changes us so we are not the same people, therefore the relationship between the same two people is never the same relationship. I believe that any relationship can be a positive one if it helps us grow as a person regardless if it lasts for 40 years or 40 days.

 

The one thing I do know is that fear causes us to miss what is really important. The present. If you are afraid of what may happen and it governs your immediate actions you miss out on life now. The future is an illusion because nothing happens in the future, it happens now. Fear and worry keep us focused on either the past or the future which means we end up missing so much of our lives that's happening right now. Face the fear head on and see what happens. The results may surprise you. Darkness cannot exist with light and you may find yourself pleasantly surprised. You have three choices when dealing with any situation that is happening now. You can walk away, take action to change the immediate or accept the situation as is. Its very simple.

 

Allow yourself to experience everything life has to offer, even if she is 22. Life has a way of taking care of the details. As long as you have been generous with sharing yourself it will not be a waste on her part. If you wake up and your over her one day, that is the day to sit and contemplate whats next, not today.

 

JMHO,

 

cat

[Mutau 2516]

An interesting thread. The way I see realtionships is that they are usually taking place in the here and now. Granted, we have memories of previous encounters, commitments and relationships. That is part of who we are. How we interacted with others in our past certainly shapes who we become today. But it is important to live for the moment, to experience what life puts before us either through our own design or through happenstance.

 

On the other hand we are worried about growing older and we would like to do so in the company of an interesting individual. But does that person have to be committed solely to one person or could it be a shared commitment?

 

Does the interaction one has with a fellow traveller on the airplane, train or bus differ vastly from the communication with others. One would say, it depnds on the goal: is one being social or is there an ulterior motive to the conversation. Whatever, the type of relationship one seeks the main thing is one of honest and open communication.

[etasman2000 15994]

Why does a relationship have to be "forever" to be considered successful? Why do we expect it not to change over time?

 

Because change is scary for most individuals.

The one thing I do know is that fear causes us to miss what is really important.

 

Fear and motivation. Each of us either goes away from pain or heads towards pleasure. Once we realize our motivational triggers it becomes easier to deal with our actions and separate real fears (or risks) from imagined fears.

 

The present. ....

 

The past is what shaped you, the future is where you go and the present is when you course correct for the future.

 

Carpe Diem

 

[Guest gagagaga]

I am absolutely NOT an expert on this relationship stuff.

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with your "issue"... let me put it this way:

 

If one of these 19-25 y/o women is "the one", you won't care about the age. If a 40 or 50 y/o is "the one", you won't care about the age. Whoever the one is will steal your heart and a good portion of your brain and you WILL do the right thing; you will take the chance.

 

Enjoy the fact the you have a great life. Enjoy every day, whether you are alone or sharing it with someone. Don't analyze stuff so much (that's a woman's job!!), just make the most of what you have every single day. If you do that, you will always get what you want. If you reach the end of your life and have never had a long-term (so-called) meaningful relationship, it won't matter because you will have led the best possible life you were capable of.

 

My 2 cents...

[kih 458]

In my view its normal to be attracted to women of various ages and attributes whether its personality, chemistry, respect and physical appearance etc. Age is only one factor of consideration and really is not all that important. Could it be that attraction to younger women make you feel younger or a fountain of youth to elaborate further.

[Guest Ou**or**n]

Hmm, I can't say I share the laissez-faire attitudes of some of the other members as I seriously believe that long-term relationships are an important cornerstone of our emotional well being.

 

I understand your concern that you would be in a perpetual state of losing interest in a relationship as the lady got older. I also agree that relationships with large age differences in our society have a number of serious issues. I am not saying they are impossible but realistically the odds of their success is much much lower than relationships between two people more closely related in age.

 

Thus I feel that you should be concerned about your present state as any potential relationship has these two forces pointing to its ultimate destruction. I think it is extremely positive that you recognize the issue and wisely did not let the relationship with the 22-year old advance to a living together state. You need to come to either some sort of resolution of these issues or make peace with them.

 

Let me continue by saying that I can fully relate to both being attracted to ladies in the early 20's and to wanting variety. I think a large number of us here share those feelings. I find attraction to younger women to be a very basic biological fact rooted in our species need to reproduce. I don't fight it. I also find the desire for variety to be natural and also very biological. Monogamy is very is not the most natural thing in the world despite the high level of social importance our society places on it.

 

However, I am truly interested by two points you make and I think they are key to you better understanding yourself. The first is that you find that you can only emotionally connect with girls between 20 and 25. This is different from raw physical attraction and is (in my experience anyway), somewhat unusual. The second is your fascinating illustration of how you feel this way by example of your 30 year-old single friend for whom you no longer feel any emotional or physical attraction.

 

I suggest you take a great deal of time and try to break through into your unconscious and figure out why this is so. What has changed in her that causes you no longer to have any feeling of emotional connectedness with her. Has she lost the naivety of youth? Is she less interested in trying new experiences? Does she have less emotional energy? I cannot guess the reasons - they are your own and for you to discover. However it is very important for you to deconstruct the reasons for why you feel the way you do. Once you understand you will either begin to change or you will be better able to make peace with it.

 

Our sexual attractions are based on both raw physical attractions of course, but they are also based on our mental and emotional connectedness with others. Many SP's continually say that the brain is the best sex organ. There is a great deal of truth to this. When you connect mentally and emotionally with someone then physical attraction increases regardless of age or objective physical looks.

 

I have found myself in similar yet completely different circumstances than you. I am also 40+ and my last 4 relationships have been with ladies in their 20's (2 under 25 and 2 over 25). In all cases the initial attraction was physical but in the end I could never form an emotional attachment due to their youth. I either found them naive, immature or simply lacking in being worldly, educated or experienced in life. I needed someone more on my level.

 

If you do end up believing you could sustain a relationship with a young woman as she grows older but still want to start with someone young then I suggest you date ladies from non western backgrounds. Other cultures are more accepting of large age differences. The ladies are more accepting or even prefer larger age differences. The same extends to her family members. However beware as your own friends and family will still share the prejudices and if you two live here in North American then her own attitudes will shift in time.

 

Good luck on your journey of self-discovery.

[mark101 214]

Wow... OutForFun.... hearhear

 

"Allow yourself to experience everything life has to offer, even if she is 22. Life has a way of taking care of the details. As long as you have been generous with sharing yourself it will not be a waste on her part. If you wake up and your over her one day, that is the day to sit and contemplate whats next, not today."

I have to agree with cat on this one. some bang on advice sa good luck

[mark101 214]

I had a very interesting conversation with a wonderful women of my age a couple of years ago and she stated to me:

She thought that by watching porn and what not. Those actions stunted your emotional growth and could keep you fixated on younger ladies. I have no idea if that has any thing to do with it but, who knows. I'm not implying this about you sa just a general comment, once again good luck

[canuckhooker 19203]

I find this thread particularly interesting. I am the one who always says that age is just a number, and although it is a bit trite, it is true.

 

I would look at this two ways. Firstly from the sexual attraction aspect, seeing younger SPs or MAs is not unusual, for two reasons. One, the majority of the SPs are in their 20's, so we tend to see them more often. The second is that our society puts a high value on youth, so we tend to see younger women as the "ideal" for sexual attraction. We see it in media, advertising, porn etc etc. Now for me personally, age hasn't been a factor in what attracts me, but I may be unusual. If I find the person attractive and intriguing, then I am going to be interested. I have had partners, my age, older, and much younger. I do tend to younger because I tend to hang around with younger people.

 

That is where my second point is made. I have a lot of friends that are considerably younger than me. We tend to have similar interests, and I generally have a better and more enjoyable time with them than with people my own age. And that is not just in a sexual way, I mean in all types of social situations. It is a group of people I feel comfortable with, and I do enjoy their company very much. And the feeling is mutual from these people. I have been out with some of them, we meet up with their friends, and they get the "What are you hanging out with Grandpa for?" The same way some people ask me why I don't hang out with people more my own age.

 

I think you need to do what makes you feel happy, and comfortable and not be constrained by thinking too far in the future, (You could be hit by a bus tomorrow) , nor by trying to follow some societal norm that is out-dated and in my mind foolish. I think that attitude is immature.

[Capital Hunter 18263]

I would look at this two ways. Firstly from the sexual attraction aspect, seeing younger SPs or MAs is not unusual.

 

Just a brief clarifications that my comments included but not limited to SPs. I have met young ladies (19-25) at work, social life and night clubs (dance bars) which I have been both physically and emotionally attracted to and in some cases (not all) the feeling has been mutual.

[Capital Hunter 18263]

I am pleasantly surprised and very touched by the number of all great responses I have received so far from various members (friends). I was kind of two-hearted whether I should post such a personal thread and share the intimate details of my life so publically, but now I am glad that I did and overwhelmed to see friends taking the time and commenting to help. All responses have been very thoughtful and touching.

 

I will read each post very carefully and try to act upon the advices that I have received in this thread and see how I can implement them in my life.

 

Thank you all very much.

[hunknhot 1067]

Hi SA,

 

This is a ton of feedback from a great group of people.

 

Although I personally find that age and long term relationships a heavily linked. I should also point out that things such as this vary from person to person.

 

The real question is how do you feel about it in the end ? Are you one for a long term committed relationship or are you one for many meaningful ones ?. There is no right answer except what feels right for you and what's in you heart.

 

The answer to the above questions for me for example could change over time or from person to person. Well thats just me.

 

You sound like you have a big heart and alot to share.. good on one hand but very complicating on another.

 

Either way sending you and anyone else good vibes while you try to figure it out.

 

hnh

[Capital Hunter 18263]

I guess I am one for many meaningful relationships but may be thinking to change for long term committed ones, if I can.