Spouses in happy marriages cheat

[bcguy42 38594]

There is this thing that goes by here on an occasional basis and that is commentary on the participation in this activity by persons who are married or in committed relationships.

 

That ongoing discussion came to mind when I came across this item in Slate.

 

http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2014/03/esther_perel_on_affairs_spouses_in_happy_marriages_cheat_and_americans_don.html

[Ice4fun 78407]

I am a happily married hobbiest

... i love my wife and would do anything for her. We have so very many things that bring us together and make us both happy but you know I a

Not sure I still believe like I use to that one person can meet all of our needs....perhaps seeing others provide a venue for me to meet needs for intimacy or connection in a way that is not possible with my wife.

 

All that said if I was forced to choose....my hobbiest lifestyle or my wife the choice would be easy...i would choose her in a heartbeat.... i chose her 30 plus years ago and have not regretted that decision for even one second. I am not sure I deserve her but I do Love her.

 

Just my opinion

[kmwq 5477]

So I'm in a very loving relationship but there is no sex. We've tried to work on this over the years but have come to the conclusion that it is what it is. The only issue is that I still need to have sex and she doesn't. The SPs provide me with the sex that I need and there are no strings attached. My heart still belongs to her. I'm not sure if she knows about my hobby or not but she goes out of her way to not find out (never ask questions and stays away from these issues) I have to live with the guilt but otherwise happy. I know it sound like I'm justifying but I'm fine with it.

[MightyPen 67414]

For a very long time our culture insisted that one relationship could and would be the sole source of all our relationship and human-to-human needs:

 

• passionate love
  
• wild eroticism
  
• responsible love
  
• dutiful pair-bonding
  
• partners in big projects (kids/careers/whatever)
  
• mutual support in crises of whatever kind
  

... but it turns out that in fact, one person is seldom all of those things, or at least not all of those things at the same time. And that's true for both men and women, even though our society has been deeply reluctant to acknowledge that wives and mothers crave sex and excitement too.

 

People find different ways to deal with this: the martyrdom of dutiful resignation, enormously risky secret affairs, whatever.

 

But it's no surprise that even in happy marriages, people crave things on the outside, and inevitably lots of people take steps to acquire it. What's surprising is that we've been so narrow-mindedly terrified to admit it and change our views on relationships, human needs, and how to satisfy the latter honestly and responsibly.

[Ftn40 824]

Yep, our culture needs to change.

 

Why is "variety the spice of life" but relationships must be monogamous?

 

How can you promise to have sex with the same person forever when you can't be that same person forever?

 

I read an article about porn not being an addiction which mentioned how sexual needs change over time as part of normal sexual development.

 

So why is it considered normal to develop sexually only with your partner?

 

Why must you choose either your relationship or your sexual health?

 

Maybe if we stopped pushing the idea of finding one person to fulfill every need we would be a lot healthier and happier.

[Guest R**3*9]

I am not a happily married man but I am definitely more happily married because of the women I've met and hope to meet soon through CERB.

 

Unfortunately, my wife is unable to give me everything that I want from a relationship. As I am slowly getting back into this lifestyle after a reevaluation of my relationship I decided that being able to meet beautiful exciting women was the only way that my marriage has a chance.

 

It would sound bizarre to anyone not familiar with everything the women of CERB actually offer. But, I suspect I'm in good company here. I love women and I enjoy sex. I've considered having NSA affairs but I'm concerned that emotions could still get involved. Being a man who adores women and tends towards the affectionate and generous I really don't want to create a situation where I could hurt someone, my wife included.

 

Here I can be as affectionate and generous as I like with no concern that it will be interpreted as more than what it is.

 

I can't speak for others but the women I've met have allow me to be more myself while giving my marriage a chance.

[JoyfulC 132299]

I have been in this business a very long time, and I am sure that the overwhelming majority of my customers are married. Some perhaps not happily, and some divorced during the time that I knew them. And some perhaps had problems at home, beyond a disparity in interest in sex. But I think most love their wives, and even more, respect and admire them. I believe that many would be just as happy to be home having sex with their wives, if it were possible.

 

I'm also married myself, for a long time, and I know how hard it is to keep sexual passion alive in a relationship. I guess some think either it happens or it doesn't, but I'm not so sure. To me, it seems like something you always have to have on the to-do list. Especially once you pass certain benchmarks: like when your biological clock is no longer ticking, and once you're sure that the marriage will survive, no matter what.

 

I think the men who come to us are those who found that the door to sex slammed shut (or maybe slowly creaked shut) in their marriages, before they were ready to stop having a personal sex life.

 

This leads me to wonder: in some marriages, do both partners simply watch passively as their sex life rides off into the sunset, with neither being too upset to see it go? It's hard to imagine, but that must be the case.

 

And what happens if, in a marriage, the female partner is the one who still values her marriage, but no longer finds it to be a source for her sexual satisfaction? I guess I sort of know. I've seen enough of that with my husband's job, and it seems to me far more toxic than using professional services. It would be a very good thing for us as a society if women had the same access to professional services as men do.

[6dave9 4008]

Thanks JoyfulC for posting this...

Paragraph 1 and 3 just about sums it all up..!!

I could not have said it better if I tried.

D.

[Ice4fun 78407]

I have been in this business a very long time, and I am sure that the overwhelming majority of my customers are married. Some perhaps not happily, and some divorced during the time that I knew them. And some perhaps had problems at home, beyond a disparity in interest in sex. But I think most love their wives, and even more, respect and admire them. I believe that many would be just as happy to be home having sex with their wives, if it were possible.

 

I'm also married myself, for a long time, and I know how hard it is to keep sexual passion alive in a relationship. I guess some think either it happens or it doesn't, but I'm not so sure. To me, it seems like something you always have to have on the to-do list. Especially once you pass certain benchmarks: like when your biological clock is no longer ticking, and once you're sure that the marriage will survive, no matter what.

 

I think the men who come to us are those who found that the door to sex slammed shut (or maybe slowly creaked shut) in their marriages, before they were ready to stop having a personal sex life.

 

This leads me to wonder: in some marriages, do both partners simply watch passively as their sex life rides off into the sunset, with neither being too upset to see it go? It's hard to imagine, but that must be the case.

 

And what happens if, in a marriage, the female partner is the one who still values her marriage, but no longer finds it to be a source for her sexual satisfaction? I guess I sort of know. I've seen enough of that with my husband's job, and it seems to me far more toxic than using professional services. It would be a very good thing for us as a society if women had the same access to professional services as men do.

 

I previously posted to this thread indicating that I was happily married and loved my wife but am active in the hobby.

 

In my opinion there are probably as many reasons why happily married men see SP'S as there are men who do it. I'm sure there is the getting something sexually that you can't get at home and the marriage going through a rough spot but there is also medical reasons, and people looking for companionship that is not complicated by all the things that come with long term relationships.

 

I think we love the idea that the person we love and choose to be with should fulfill all our needs when I gave come to learn that is a pretty foolish and simplistic way to think.

 

There are and always be gaps in what we want and need from each other... these gaps shrink and expand as we go through our life based on what us happening. I know from personal experience that grief can have a huge impact.... but the gaps do not define the relationship the and caring for the other person do.

 

Just my opinion.

[Liv Waters 52361]

I have been in this business a very long time, and I am sure that the overwhelming majority of my customers are married. Some perhaps not happily, and some divorced during the time that I knew them. And some perhaps had problems at home, beyond a disparity in interest in sex. But I think most love their wives, and even more, respect and admire them. I believe that many would be just as happy to be home having sex with their wives, if it were possible.

 

I'm also married myself, for a long time, and I know how hard it is to keep sexual passion alive in a relationship. I guess some think either it happens or it doesn't, but I'm not so sure. To me, it seems like something you always have to have on the to-do list. Especially once you pass certain benchmarks: like when your biological clock is no longer ticking, and once you're sure that the marriage will survive, no matter what.

 

I think the men who come to us are those who found that the door to sex slammed shut (or maybe slowly creaked shut) in their marriages, before they were ready to stop having a personal sex life.

 

This leads me to wonder: in some marriages, do both partners simply watch passively as their sex life rides off into the sunset, with neither being too upset to see it go? It's hard to imagine, but that must be the case.

 

And what happens if, in a marriage, the female partner is the one who still values her marriage, but no longer finds it to be a source for her sexual satisfaction? I guess I sort of know. I've seen enough of that with my husband's job, and it seems to me far more toxic than using professional services. It would be a very good thing for us as a society if women had the same access to professional services as men do.

here, here!

[Lexxiexoxo 100]

I agree seeing an escort allows you to be free. And definitely is alot safer than an emotional affair or one with a co-worker. Escort= no strings attached!!!

[Lexxiexoxo 100]

After years of being in a marriage i can see the sex drive go down because both spouses could be bored of one another. They could possible still have that connection that the first had but the physical attraction they don't see causing them find someone else (fling/escort) that fills there desire. <3

[Warped88 5815]

I've read other threads on this topic, and followed along thus far with this one, as it's an interesting topic to me personally as I have a wife of 15 years, and I'm now part of this world in which we all partake.

 

As many have said, and to which I agree, there are as many reasons as there are hobbyists, I think. And these reasons are why I find the topic interesting. Why? Because I haven't figured my reasons out as of yet.

 

I actually find it a bit surreal that I'm here. While I've lurked here since 2009, it was more out of curiosity than desire to become involved. Then, a little over month ago, something compelled me to make my first post. Not long after that, I had my first encounter. From first post to first encounter happened so fast that I was at a loss for thought on my drive home following it...

 

...And I still am. I know there's something important to be found in answering my own questions. Something that I desperately need to know. But until I find the reason, or reasons, all I know is that I have no guilt in doing what I've done and I feel compelled to continue.

 

Who knows, once I figure it out I may drop off the grid entirely, or maybe the opposite.

 

Anyway...an interesting topic indeed.