Please engage your brain to mouth filter when visiting

[Regent 35404]

Dear client,

 

I am excited to see you and spend time together. I am excited to get to know you a bit. I want to know you well enough to get into your head and give you an amazing, hot session.

 

I appreciate it when you let me in a little and share some things about yourself and who you are.

 

What I don't appreciate is when you drop a bunch of casual bigotry on me in the midst of socializing and getting to know each other.

 

I don't expect you to have the exact same values as me. For our brief time together that's not important.

 

What I do expect from you is a modicum of consideration, social awareness and self filtering. Just enough so that if you have opinions on black or brown people, or "the gays", or poor people, or any other group that you don't belong to, you have the sense to keep those opinions to yourself for an hour.

 

I expect you to realize that these opinions might be offensive to others and that sharing them is jarring and rude. I expect you to realize that you don't actually know me, and that I or my loved ones might be part of those groups that you think so poorly of.

 

I want to have fun with you when we're together. I don't want to get into an argument about racism or sexism or homophobia or anything. I certainly don't want to have to choose between ending our session early or getting intimate with someone who has just made me very uncomfortable.

 

I'm sure you're a complex and multifaceted person and there are many wonderful, fascinating, enjoyable, positive things you could share about yourself. Stick to those, as I do when I talk about me, so that we can both enjoy each others' company.

 

Thanks,

Your service provider

[cinelli 22184]

Posts like the above should not be necessary. It is sad in this day and age that they are.

[Phaedrus 209521]

What I do expect from you is a modicum of consideration, social awareness and self filtering. Just enough so that if you have opinions on black or brown people, or "the gays", or poor people, or any other group that you don't belong to, you have the sense to keep those opinions to yourself for an hour.

 

I expect you to realize that these opinions might be offensive to others and that sharing them is jarring and rude. I expect you to realize that you don't actually know me, and that I or my loved ones might be part of those groups that you think so poorly of.

 

Actually... I think this misses the core of the problem. Although people realize that something is offensive, they lack the self-awareness to understand that they fall into this category. How many times have you heard someone say, "I'm not racist, but..." or "I have friends who are gay"? It's so common that it's a parody of itself.

 

To take the concrete example that springs most immediately to mind: look at Donald Sterling. Utterly racist, despite his ownership of a basketball team and having a mixed-race mistress. And yet... he doesn't consider himself racist. At all. You couldn't make it up... but there it is, played out in front of the world.

 

This isn't a problem with clients, in particular. It's a problem with people, and with society. It's improving, but that's a slow process.

[PistolPete 61421]

Actually... I think this misses the core of the problem. Although people realize that something is offensive, they lack the self-awareness to understand that they fall into this category. How many times have you heard someone say, "I'm not racist, but..." or "I have friends who are gay"? It's so common that it's a parody of itself.

 

To take the concrete example that springs most immediately to mind: look at Donald Sterling. Utterly racist, despite his ownership of a basketball team and having a mixed-race mistress. And yet... he doesn't consider himself racist. At all. You couldn't make it up... but there it is, played out in front of the world.

 

This isn't a problem with clients, in particular. It's a problem with people, and with society. It's improving, but that's a slow process.

 

It's utterly disgusting, look at the recent tweets from those idiot fans from Boston Bruins against PK Subban. One would think that racism was not this visual in today's society, then we have assholes from Boston and Donald Sterling.

 

Needless to say these idiots probably didn't even know that Willie O'Ree broke into the NHL in the 70's with the Bruins, or in fact PK's younger brother was drafted by the Bruins. Theses types of behaviour are seriously unbelievable and from " dickheads" that have no understanding about what is correct and acceptable behaviour in today's society.

 

Being a huge sport fan, I've lost a lot of respect for other fans/owners who think

they can share their thoughts with society through media or other means.

[Ice4fun 78407]

This is not an SP / Client problem it is a societal problem that I kinda think is actually improving... younger people today are far less likely to see differences in people and have grown up in a world that is becoming more and more diverse. I have never considered myself to be bigoted or racist but my children have demonstrated to me that I am in fact a product of the environment in which I grew up.... my children actually don't see the difference in people and accept everyone for who they are.... i think I am very excepting but you know I do notice the differences... my kids are without a doubt teaching me about true diversity and acceptance.

 

As for the CERB world one think I have realized that if you want to find a group that is ultra accepting of diversity you really don't have to look further than the amazing SP'S in this industry... i think that because of this they are more likely to react to stupid insensitive comments made by clients.

 

Just my opinion.

 

Additional Comments:

[frank97500 18478]

In our days, it should never happen!! We are all 'Human'...

 

[Liv Waters 52360]

I really appreciate the way you put this 'Dear Client' letter out there for all of us. I'm not sure of how you would describe its meaning Regent, but how I see it is that, sometimes, it just feels good as an SP to unburden our heavy hearts and to give voice to the bigotry that we find ourselves in the midst of when carrying our our work and sharing intimacies with clients.

 

Yes, it exists at the level of society...yes, it is a deeper problem that extends beyond the four walls shared in a session....But, I feel that, in writing this note, Regent, you are, in a way, speaking out to consciousness and giving voice to something many of us experience in the course of doing our work....it helps us to feel connected to each other in our concerns. And, if it helps even one person (beyond the rest of us SPs) to reflect a little more, then we are all better off for it.

 

Thanks for writing this :)

[Regent 35404]

I agree this is a broader social problem, certainly not limited to clients. However, I find that the client-service provider dynamic makes addressing it complicated in unique ways.

 

The power dynamics of relying on clients to make a living, plus the intimacy of our interactions weights my choices. Actions I might take in my personal life or in a different kind of professional setting have different consequences for me here. I may tolerate things I wouldn't in another setting. The expectations placed on me by clients are different from expectations from friends or other professional associates. My safety considerations are different.

 

This issue absolutely arrises in all areas of life, but encountering it in our industry creates some unique challenges and considerations, and so I wanted to talk about it in that specific context.

 

@Phaedrus, I think you're very right, that people are often unwilling to self identify as a racist or homophobe. They understand in an abstract way that these are undesirable things, and so to avoid cognitive dissonance with their self perception as a good or moral person, they don't integrate the idea of being a racist with their self identity.

 

However, I think when someone seeks to make excuses for their behaviour, in the form of, "I'm not a racist, but..." or "I have gay friends...", implicit in that is recognizing that they're aware that their behaviour or choice of words is likely to hurt or offend someone. Even if they don't see themselves as racist, they know very well that the words coming out of their mouth are.

 

Things are getting better and shifting slowly. There's more awareness and more dialogue in mainstream culture about these kinds of things. But it's a slow process - even if we all know that overt -isms are bad, there are so many harmful ideas and stereotypes that we're taught all our lives and that are so easy to accept without questioning.

 

I just wish and hope that everyone would make an effort to be more kind, more compassionate, to recognize our shared humanity and to also recognize that we have diverse experiences and not everyone has been afforded the same opportunities.

[Ice4fun 78407]

I agree this is a broader social problem, certainly not limited to clients. However, I find that the client-service provider dynamic makes addressing it complicated in unique ways.

 

The power dynamics of relying on clients to make a living, plus the intimacy of our interactions weights my choices. Actions I might take in my personal life or in a different kind of professional setting have different consequences for me here. I may tolerate things I wouldn't in another setting. The expectations placed on me by clients are different from expectations from friends or other professional associates. My safety considerations are different.

 

This issue absolutely arrises in all areas of life, but encountering it in our industry creates some unique challenges and considerations, and so I wanted to talk about it in that specific context.

 

@Phaedrus, I think you're very right, that people are often unwilling to self identify as a racist or homophobe. They understand in an abstract way that these are undesirable things, and so to avoid cognitive dissonance with their self perception as a good or moral person, they don't integrate the idea of being a racist with their self identity.

 

However, I think when someone seeks to make excuses for their behaviour, in the form of, "I'm not a racist, but..." or "I have gay friends...", implicit in that is recognizing that they're aware that their behaviour or choice of words is likely to hurt or offend someone. Even if they don't see themselves as racist, they know very well that the words coming out of their mouth are.

 

Things are getting better and shifting slowly. There's more awareness and more dialogue in mainstream culture about these kinds of things. But it's a slow process - even if we all know that overt -isms are bad, there are so many harmful ideas and stereotypes that we're taught all our lives and that are so easy to accept without questioning.

 

I just wish and hope that everyone would make an effort to be more kind, more compassionate, to recognize our shared humanity and to also recognize that we have diverse experiences and not everyone has been afforded the same opportunities.

 

Very well said

[MightyPen 67414]

However, I think when someone seeks to make excuses for their behaviour, in the form of, "I'm not a racist, but..." or "I have gay friends...", implicit in that is recognizing that they're aware that their behaviour or choice of words is likely to hurt or offend someone. Even if they don't see themselves as racist, they know very well that the words coming out of their mouth are.

Just to fine-tune that interpretation, I think that the "I'm not racist, but..." prefix demonstrates that the speaker recognizes that other people are racism-sensitive... not that the speaker him/herself is more self-aware. In other words, it shows that they're aware that the environment of conversation is changing... but they still haven't examined their own content.

 

I think one of the hazards of being a good SP is that, in making your clients feel comfortable and safe, you create an environment in which they let slip things they might normally guard from strangers. Also, because they're beginning to feel an intimate bond with you, they want to reinforce that bond with "honest sharing". It's a combination of showing you that they'll let their guard down, and (consciously or unconsciously) testing whether you're on the same team. Trouble is, some people's honest is too honest.

 

Other professions I think suffer from this: doctors, lawyers, and of course psychologists. It's an occupational hazard when dealing with issues that go to your client's core self/identity and internal world.

[Athos 108589]

I agree with much that has been said in this very important thread. It certainly is very much a societal issue. And I do get quite depressed when I consider the amount of sexism and racism that still exists in the world.

 

At the same time, it is important to keep in mind the tremendous progress that has been made. The human rights revolution has been real, and while it is incomplete, I would like to believe, it is irreversible. As long as people of good faith and integrity, like those on this board, continue to make their views known and resist bigotry when they encounter it, the world will continue to become a more tolerant and inclusive place. This may be a bit naive, but it is what I choose to believe and how I choose to live.

 

To the original point, though, it is everyone who needs to mind what they say. I remember seeing a provider several times, and each time was quite fabulous. On the third visit, for whatever reason, she shared some fairly racist opinions with me. I was shocked and up to then had no idea she held these beliefs. Needless to say, I didn't book her again, but it was extremely awkward and uncomfortable. I did tell her why, and she was shocked. Had she not said something, I would have undoubtedly continued seeing her.

 

Porthos

[bcguy42 38594]

Things are getting better and shifting slowly. There's more awareness and more dialogue in mainstream culture about these kinds of things. But it's a slow process - even if we all know that overt -isms are bad, there are so many harmful ideas and stereotypes that we're taught all our lives and that are so easy to accept without questioning.

 

I just wish and hope that everyone would make an effort to be more kind, more compassionate, to recognize our shared humanity and to also recognize that we have diverse experiences and not everyone has been afforded the same opportunities.

 

Good luck with that.

 

A history lesson. Almost fifty years ago I became a member of an organization that I thought was good. Parenthetically my father was proud of my membership.

 

In the fullness of time I proposed a friend for membership. He was a leader, a scholar, a fine human being. However, he possessed one characteristic that made him intelligible. He was black. I resigned the next day. I explained that if this gentleman who was so much better than me did not qualify, neither did I. To his credit my father supported my decision.

 

Fast forward fifty years. Not that long ago an SP opened a thread here about a client that raised religious / cultural exceptions to reading material he noticed in her apartment.

 

Have things changed? Not much. But in my case, I keep chipping away where I can.

 

To bring this into the Provider/ Client context - if a provider expressed something I found totally inappropriate I would begin wrapping things up and heading towards the door. My reason for being there has nothing to do with re-educating her.

 

If a Provider were asking for advice regarding a client revealing himself to be some garden variety shithead, my advice would be to do whatever is necessary to complete the contract insofar as her comfort level and then show him the door. There is no way in the brief time you see him you will change his world views. A variant of GIGO - he arrives a twit, he will leave a twit.

 

My two cents - now rounded down to zero.