When do you suggest to elderly parents to stop driving?

[Studio 110 by Sophia 150333]

Today is a very difficult day for me as a daughter to my father who always had pride and who was always so strong. But now age is taking so much of these things away from him.

 

We have a Doctor's apt today, I plan to ask the Doctor this question, "when do you know it is time to stop driving?" He is not going to be pleased with me, especially if the Doctor agrees with me that it may be time to give your licence:( I feel awful to do this, but it is for his safety and those around him.

 

I have been noticing for about a year, but this past weekend really showed me that this is not just "gapping" out, it is frequent and dangerous. We have like 4 major events while he was driving the other day, to the point I made him pull over and I drove the rest of the way. He claims he was "just tired but even when you tired you should still know how to drive. He says, well no I wont drive when I am tired anymore, but I know that wont happen so easily. I do not live with him, so I am not there to prevent him from taking the risk.

 

This must be the worst thing for man his age, to admit defeat to his age and body:( I feel as though I am taking his "manhood" away:( I hope the Doctor agrees with me, and hope my Dad will forgive me for this.

 

Is anyone else facing this issue? How did you know when it was time? Did you have to coax it along, or did your aging parents all ready know it was time? It is so hard to witness my aging parents failing health and things that were so natural now have become so difficult and sometimes a danger:(

[ricky1ricardo7 400]

I have the same problem with my mother. She had an accident three weeks ago. She cut in front of a car and the car hit her in the driver door. Luckily, no one was injured, but her car was totaled!

I was thinking about the same thing and at the same time, give her the taxi's phone number or the assisted transport for the elderly or my phone number and tell her to call me whenever she has to go out! I'm retired, so I have time to help her out. We'll see how it goes!

[silverado17 12689]

i have a nieghbour he's 92 and drives to texas every winter not sure how good he drives but his wife who is 84 should not be driving but i think after a certain age they have to go for a test every year

[cinelli 22184]

We had the province send our dad a notice to be retested, it was not connected to us.

He failed and didn't drive again, but he ranted for years about the "stupid kid" who examined him being biased against old people.

Good for you for taking this seriously!

At the park yesterday saw an older woman who clearly should not have been driving. She was up on a sidewalk in an area filled with toddlers and babies in strollers. People tried to

direct her and it was an uncomfortable scene, she was arguing and defensive.

[Studio 110 by Sophia 150333]

We had the province send our dad a notice to be retested, it was not connected to us.

He failed and didn't drive again, but he ranted for years about the "stupid kid" who examined him being biased against old people.

Good for you for taking this seriously!

At the park yesterday saw an older woman who clearly should not have been driving. She was up on a sidewalk in an area filled with toddlers and babies in strollers. People tried to

direct her and it was an uncomfortable scene, she was arguing and defensive.

 

Yes I am sure my father wont be very agreeable to this either, and well I cant blame him. I mean, being so self sufficient all your life just to have your daughter take it away from you:(

 

But you see age is not just a number, it is your mental awareness and reflex capabilities too. My father is only 66 years young, but we do have early dementia in my family too. I have seen a great slide in his age in just one year:(

 

We shall see what the Doc says, will be much easier if he thinks he should stop driving, better to hear it from Doctor then me!

[roamingguy 300292]

i have a nieghbour he's 92 and drives to texas every winter not sure how good he drives but his wife who is 84 should not be driving but i think after a certain age they have to go for a test every year

 

Agree they should be re-tested every year. But what they do, at least in Ontario is a joke. It's every two years, and a written test only. But a written test doesn't test reflexes, awareness and so on. My mother passes the written test but should have her licence pulled. She's run reds, stop signs, illegal left turns, she doesn't focus on the road but looks at the "scenery" like buildings around her and then the car drifts into oncoming traffic.

I absolutely won't be in the same vehicle when she drives and keep expecting a phone call, "your mother has been in an accident..."

Her doctor should have her licence yanked

 

RG

[Studio 110 by Sophia 150333]

Not sure, but I think for here in NB the Doctor has the right to pull your license. I hope anyways...

[Ice4fun 78407]

This is never an easy discussion.... but unfortunately it is often a necessary one... one that has to be started out of love for the other person. I went through this with my father who due to illness and age slowly lost his independence. When it came to his license the final decision by the doctor while not welcome was I think somewhat welcome... dad knew intuitively he should not be driving but wanted to delay the loss of this tangible sign of loss of independence as long as he could. In dad's case it was mom who asked the doctor and yes he was mad and upset when he list his licence... but not nearly as upset as he would have been if his driving had resulted in harm to mom.. his grandchildren or anyone else. it's never easy when we as children have to start caring for our parents....thus reversal of roles is however part of life and your dad will love you for the care you show him.

[Gentleman11 10508]

This might be perceived as a bit of a hard ass position but nonetheless, its something I feel strongly about.

 

Most people can identify with the fact that airline pilots are required to have regular testing both health (annuallly and over 40 every 6 months) and professional skills (semi annually).

 

I think that it is only fair to ask that individuals in charge of 3 tons pieces of steel hurtling down the highway at speeds of 110 kph with up to 8 people on board need some sort of mandatory and regular testing as well.

[Ice4fun 78407]

This might be perceived as a bit of a hard ass position but nonetheless, its something I feel strongly about.

 

Most people can identify with the fact that airline pilots are required to have regular testing both health (annuallly and over 40 every 6 months) and professional skills (semi annually).

 

I think that it is only fair to ask that individuals in charge of 3 tons pieces of steel hurtling down the highway at speeds of 110 kph with up to 8 people on board need some sort of mandatory and regular testing as well.

 

While I agree that there us a need to monitor a persons ability to drive I really think this happens now when people see their doctors or as in the case if this thread family intervenes. The last thing I would like to see is our doctors waiting rooms filled up with individuals getting mandatory testing each year for drivers license renewal. Family doctors are already very hard to find in many parts of Canada

 

Just my opinion :)

[Studio 110 by Sophia 150333]

As it turns out, my father knows that he will not be driving much longer. We had a chat while waiting at Doc office. I asked him if he thinks....and to my surprise, he does actually know his time is coming soon. He has agreed to no night driving, no winter driving and no highway driving for now. So I did not bring it up to the Doctor yet. I will see how the remaining of summer goes. At least he knew in his heart that this was coming soon. He was not angry at me, he really appreciated me caring about it, and thanked me for asking his opinion first before " making him" give it up.

 

I feel better about this now, and so does he. Thanks everyone for sharing your stories, and I hope mine helps others with this same kind of situation:)

[silverado17 12689]

i'm sure you can ask the doctor to her license on her

[roamingguy 300292]

I know a serious subject, not minimizing it, but a little humour

 

 

RG

[mrgreen760 37785]

When the time came......I just said to my Dad I need your car keys. He knew and wasn't happy about it at the time....but he knew. I could have his Doc do it, but it was my responsibility.

 

Peace

MG

[Studio 110 by Sophia 150333]

When the time came......I just said to my Dad I need your car keys. He knew and wasn't happy about it at the time....but he knew. I could have his Doc do it, but it was my responsibility.

 

Peace

MG

 

I am just happy that it did not come to that point, that he knew this is the best thing. Besides I am here to drive him where he needs, besides he drove me so much when I was a kid, lol! Cadets, work, gymnastics..hehe

[1963Kennedy 10698]

Been thru this; fortunately province scheduled a driving test b/c of his age. he did not pass.

I think olders need get out with their car just to enjoy the ride so I always encourage them to get out real early Sunday morning b/c its so peaceful and hardly anyone on the roads.

[emiafish 30979]

But what they do, at least in Ontario is a joke. It's every two years, and a written test only. But a written test doesn't test reflexes, awareness and so on.

 

RG

 

Totally agree. Before she shuffled off the mortal coil, my mother went for her driving test in Renfrew. Because of her advanced age and the early morning test time and because she had to drive a fair distance to get to the Testing Centre, she booked a room in a local motel.

 

On her way to the motel she got into an accident (pulled into traffic without looking) and had the front end of her Lincoln Town Car torn off, engine and all. Fortunately she was not hurt. In fact she managed to convince the local policeman to give her a ride to the motel.

 

The next day she took the test and passed with flying colours. At age 88, my dear Mom was the proud owner of a new drivers license. It was never used. I refused to buy her another car and soon after she moved into an assisted living facility.

 

Imagine if she had a car? She might have killed herself or others. Shame on Ontario for taking the 'arms length' approach. BTW - the local doctors were little help. None would intercede to help us have the license revoked. Hence the Machiavellian approach to deny her another vehicle. She traded in her Lincoln for a walker.

[fortunateone 156618]

You will simply have to rely on the licensing. They make people test every year after a certain age, and at some point, they won't issue the license. Until then, you probably can't do anything.

[76Traveller 654]

I've been prepping my parents for this for some time now by speaking up to them every time they complain about a bad elderly driver who should have their license pulled. I ask if they'll co-operate when I tell them they've become a dangerous driver. Hopefully getting them to think about it years in advance will soften the blow when the time comes.

[Jabba 18389]

An excellent thread and very timely in my case. My 84 yr old Father in law is experiencing a decline. He knows it and he is very upset.

 

He's a professional man and is an intelligent, fun-loving, compassionate and kind individual. He wants to contribute to his marriage and family. He would be devastated if he hurt anyone. He failed a competency test last week & had his license yanked. His impairment was that obvious. We, his family knew it was obvious and had some very real concerns about his ability to drive. Nobody wanted to say anything. We did discuss amongst ourselves, but left the decision to the officials.

 

Now here's a loaded question - are we being responsible children by allowing our elderly or mentally impaired parents to have a driver's license? The question draws an apparent conclusion, but it isn't that easy. I know what the OP is going through. We will all face a decline in our abilities to some extent. Who will be there to help us to make decisions on our behalf? Will we accept our family's, caretaker's or doctor's advice or are we all going to be stubborn, old, confused road killers?

 

I for one, have the feeling I will need someone to tell me to stop driving - I'm not the best judge when I'm not in my right mind...but just where is that tipping point?

[Guest N***he**Ont**y]

The family Dr is the person to discuss this with if eye sight is failing hearing etc.In Ontario a Dr may recommend the suspension to the MOT and may ask for the license to forward it back to the MOT immediately in some circumstances.

[Studio 110 by Sophia 150333]

I suppose I sort of lucked out with my Dad. He used to work nights, and now his body wont allow him to continue to work so he is fully retired as of a month ago. The vehicle he had to go to work was mine . So where as I own the SUV, I do have the right to say no ( even tho is hard to) However when I bought the SUV ( loan) he and I both paid for half the monthly loan payment, (this was for about a year now. )

 

He came to this conclusion when he realised he was paying half the loan payment, but yet his income changed. So why pay for this when not working? He knows I will drive him for errands etc..Now he has extra cash in his pocket to spend on other things he needs:)

 

The trick is, I found him a place to live that has everything close by, the Superstore, liquor store, a pub/restaurant, dollar store. This made it easier to pay for the occasional cab when needed.

 

He is OK with this now. Maybe feels a bit of relief too. Less responsibility, and a bit more play cash in his pocket:) Also gives us a lot of father/daughter time when I run errands with him:)

[Ice4fun 78407]

It's not easy to be there and take the steps that are right... but it was also not easy when they did that for us....