TracieGold 282 Report post Posted April 13, 2010 [/url] by Sarah Treleaven Apr 13th 2010 3:05AM Categories: Sex, Love & Relationships, Advice, How to Be Happy Print Email More One of the most common issues that arises in a long-term committed relationship is a decreased frequency of sex - maybe you couldn't keep your hands off each other for the first several months or even years and now you both just want to go to sleep. A recent book, 365 Nights: A Memoir of Intimacy, explains one couple's sexual odyssey as they force themselves to have sex every single day for one year. We asked sexpert Dr. Belisa Vranich if having sex every day is the ideal for a long-term committed relationship and for some tips to keep sex interesting (after many years, kids and busy jobs). Q: Is having sex every day a good idea for a long-term committed relationship? A: No, it's boring and makes it a chore. Here's what I wrote about 365 Nights: "The initial idea, lots of sex every day, sounds good. Then reality sets in: it's sex with the same person every single day. Ev-er-y single day. Now same-person sex with a hot bedfellow on a regular basis is great - don't get me wrong. And you calling the shots as far as whatever you want to consider "sex" that day ("I'll have a BJ today, Honey") or with whatever variations you want ("How about the French maid outfit today, sweetie?") may work, but...it would become a chore, like anything else you have to do regularly - laundry, bathing, food shopping. The only upside is the fact that if you do have problems in the bedroom, you'd be forced to fix them. If [it was] for a week or even a month, anyone can get through lame or even just average sex for that amount of time. But think, day 95, day 140, day 240...you have to start being creative and really communicating." Q: So what do men and women want from their sex lives? A: Summarizing from my male patients, when it comes to sex, here's what they want: 1. Sex with same person, but having her be "the freak" she was when they met. 2. Sex with same person, but have her initiate and "mix things up" so that she sort of has different sexual personas. 3. Sex with other people, because if it were really a "gift," it would mean variety in the most honest sense. Female patients: 1. Sex with as much physical/intellectual foreplay as the sex they had in the beginning. 2. Men to read their minds about what they want rather than having to instruct them. 3. Not to have sex when they are tired or stressed, or have too many things outside the bedroom to focus on/worry about. 4. Not to have sex when they aren't feeling sexy (fat, bloated, unshaven). 5. Not to feel guilt about preferring to take a nap then have sex, rather than sex then nap. Q: What do men and women commonly want from their sex lives that they often don't get from a long-term partner? A: Men want diversity and consistency. Sounds like opposite things but it's not! Women most often complain that their long term partners are not as attentive in bed, that they don't keep the same grooming, they don't "make them feel special." Women also would like that their long term partners understand how monthly and lifelong changes in hormones make for changes in libido. Q: What are your top tips for keeping sex exciting (and frequent) in a long-term relationship? A: Here are some suggestions I recently published: 1. Talking about sex can get your partner thinking about it. Literal foreplay would be reading erotica to each other, but if you are plum out of Violet Blue or Rachel Kramer Bussel, try "Dear Playboy Advisor: Questions from Men and Women to the Advice Column of Playboy Magazine. Even if you end up snorting and giggling like Beavis and Butthead, just talking about "members" and "vulvas" can get you moving toward sexy time. 2. Prefer something more serious? Try sitting in a beginner's Tantric sex position, called Yaby Yum. The man sits in a loose cross-legged position, and the woman in his lap, facing him, her legs straddling him. Wrap your arms around each other or place a hand on each other's heart and breathe with your faces close together, feeling each other's breath on your face. While this position by itself doesn't guarantee an explosive ending, it is intensely intimate - and you can get things moving in the right direction of your "lingam" and "yoni." 3. Create anticipation: Try giving each other a massage, without the pressure that it will end in sex. Just a scalp massage (think of getting your hair washed) or foot massage (reflexology) can be tremendously relaxing, as can a really gentle stroking of the whole body with your fingertips. Make sure the person's feet are covered so they don't get cold. 4. Done with babies? Switching from oral contraceptives to a vasectomy can give your sex life a big boost. Research shows oral contraceptives can lower libido, and assurance of a reliable birth control can raise it. Taking a trip to Snip City is fast, affordable, not overly painful and has no noticeable differences in ejaculation quantity or quality afterward. 5. Viagra can't make you more aroused. If you are "randy," it makes your erection last longer, but it can't make you feel sexually attracted to someone if you aren't already. 6. It's good to keep up your grooming and hygiene no matter how long you have been together. Kick it up notch. Try a little "manscaping" and prune that jungle back a bit. Though the idea of gluing crystal chips to decorate your lady parts sounds excessive to me, it might sound enticing to you ? try the new trend in genital decoration: vajazzaling. 7. What turns him/her on can be very personal. Ask, ask again and pay attention. Whether it's murmuring in French (like Morticia does to Gomez) or Italian (think Otto reciting the menu in the movie A Fish Called Wanda) or just faking it, feeding that little fetish can be vastly rewarding. Hugs to all Tracie G.;-) 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Apex2006 1071 Report post Posted April 13, 2010 I?m confused, you are advertizing for men to have continues sex with a long term partner right? Dose that not put a damper on your revenue? Lol Would it not make more sense to encourage all to have sex with as many poeple as possilbe? Just got out of a long term relationship! I am now testing the waters!!! I guess I still haven't found what I am looking for!!!!! Apex Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TracieGold 282 Report post Posted April 13, 2010 Apex, you got it wrong.....sex everyday can be wit different ladies, as many as you want. The article is obviously focused towards couples with some "permanency" and I tell you many clients have that with us. I ope you feel better after that long relationship, you are not the only one and we all survive one way or another..... All the best! Tracie G. :wink: Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
