Can I really have my cake and eat it too?

[SolidSnake 912]

I've been meaning to write this and get it out for a while but never had the courage to do it before now.

 

We all have our reasons behind our hobbying. Some are lonely, others are in a stale relationships, other like the variety of meeting new people.

 

I was in a hedonistic/open relationship before meeting my wife. My ex and I had a mutual agreement that we could venture outside of our couple, and that worked well for 7-8 years until eventually my ex fell in love with someone else.

 

So, at that fateful day in Spring 2000, we parted our own separate ways.

 

A year later, I met a wonderful woman. We got married, had kids. She is my best friend and we share lots of things in common, but sex isn't really one of them. While she has always had a rather low sex drive, I am the total opposite! For year, I have tried to make her try new things, but to no avail. Knowing how "traditional" she is, I have simply given up on that and based on my past relationship, I seek the company of lovely SPs from time to time without feeling remorse when I get back home.

 

I love women of all shapes and nationalities and cannot imagine having sex with the same person the rest of my life. I have too many fantasies I want to live, I love black women, I love BBW, I love latinas, I love tall, blonde, spinner types, I love punk/goth/tattoed chick with piercings and coloured hair. Heck, I'd even be inclined to meet a nice trans SP one day. But dammit, I want to go out there and meet beautiful ladies, get to know them and spend an intimate moment with them.

 

Yet, I love my wife and kids and cherish what we've built as a family and cannot even think of one day leaving my wife.

 

Since I have no one to talk about this, I sometimes feel like the "lonely married man", as I have no one to talk about it than myself. So, kindred CERB members, do this make me hypocritical? Am I living a lie or can I truly have my cake and eat it too?

[cinelli 22184]

I think a lot of marriages could be saved if a frustrated partner could get relief elsewhere instead of getting a divorce.

 

Sex is only one tiny part of a marriage. It is sad that it is the ruin of many otherwise great marriages.

[NotchJohnson 214129]

It's tough when you have found your soul mate and there is only one little thing that does not work well. I have the same thing going on in my life and I share your feeling SolidSnake.

 

I could never see the day that I would leave my wife, she completes me. I fell in love with her many years ago, I had no control over that. I'm hoping that in time she will want to have more sex. I was told that a woman after a certain age will get horny and she will need it more often, that is my question. True or false?

[SolidSnake 912]

I've heard that too, what is it? Around late 30's, early 40's? If that's the case, it should be happening soon, but so far, nothing.

 

I'm actually relieved to see that I am not alone in this kind of situation, thanks for sharing that with us, NJ!

[roamingguy 300292]

Well although single, I'll offer a quick comment. Take it for what it's worth.

When one enters into a relationship be it bf/gf or CL or marriage, something serious, not casual, something that implies exclusivity and monogamy, there is, or should be an understanding by both the man and woman that part of that relationship includes sexual intimacy.

I for one believe that all women, including those in a marriage, are free to decline to have sex. But those women who have the right to choose celibacy for themselves IMHO are not free to impose celibacy on their husband.

Put another way, the term cheating is bandied about for those who see other women. But really, how can seeing another woman for sex be cheating when sex is denied at home. What exactly is the man cheating on? If he received sex at home with the woman he completely (sex included) committed to, he wouldn't seek it elsewhere. And a sexless marriage where the woman is denying sex, she also isn't completely committed to the marriage

Show me a marriage without sex and I'll show you a marriage where someone is seeking it elsewhere

A rambling

 

RG

[Guest B*o***32]

http://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/search?q=Deadbedrooms&sort=relevance&restrict_sr=on&t=all

 

Reddit has a great forum on dead bedrooms. I frequent it whenever I feel that I need a connection with other guys going through the high libido/low libido problems of a relationship. Lurk a bit there, it helps.

[Jabba 18389]

I've been meaning to write this and get it out for a while but never had the courage to do it before now.

 

We all have our reasons behind our hobbying. Some are lonely, others are in a stale relationships, other like the variety of meeting new people.

 

I was in a hedonistic/open relationship before meeting my wife. My ex and I had a mutual agreement that we could venture outside of our couple, and that worked well for 7-8 years until eventually my ex fell in love with someone else.

 

So, at that fateful day in Spring 2000, we parted our own separate ways.

 

A year later, I met a wonderful woman. We got married, had kids. She is my best friend and we share lots of things in common, but sex isn't really one of them. While she has always had a rather low sex drive, I am the total opposite! For year, I have tried to make her try new things, but to no avail. Knowing how "traditional" she is, I have simply given up on that and based on my past relationship, I seek the company of lovely SPs from time to time without feeling remorse when I get back home.

 

I love women of all shapes and nationalities and cannot imagine having sex with the same person the rest of my life. I have too many fantasies I want to live, I love black women, I love BBW, I love latinas, I love tall, blonde, spinner types, I love punk/goth/tattoed chick with piercings and coloured hair. Heck, I'd even be inclined to meet a nice trans SP one day. But dammit, I want to go out there and meet beautiful ladies, get to know them and spend an intimate moment with them.

 

Yet, I love my wife and kids and cherish what we've built as a family and cannot even think of one day leaving my wife.

 

Since I have no one to talk about this, I sometimes feel like the "lonely married man", as I have no one to talk about it than myself. So, kindred CERB members, do this make me hypocritical? Am I living a lie or can I truly have my cake and eat it too?

 

Your life is what it is at particular moments. Depends on your age I guess. You have to make your life fit your needs. You take responsibility for your kids, your spouse, your house & other things, etc...but ask yourself some harsh questions about your particular wants and direction.

 

If your partner doesn't want to participate in that part of your life then you have some decisions to make. Personally (& I realize I sound like a hard-ass) I don't ever let someone else make up the rules for me - why would I need someone to determine my needs? If you give someone permission to control your life, then you aren't living your life on your terms, are you?

 

You need to do the things to live your life without regrets & hopefully without harm to your loved ones. Doesn't mean you have to break up the marriage partnership - that's expensive & somewhat meaningless.

 

I believe your sexual life goes in the direction you need at your moment in life. Best of luck.

[NotchJohnson 214129]

Should I get blamed for getting an erection when I see my wife half naked or in her undies walking in the house, bending in front of me or seeing her fripples through her shirt? My wife is very good looking, she is tall, blonde with beautiful green eyes, nice size boobs(36DD) and a round bubble butt that I love spanking.

I warned her that when I get older and she will look for it that it might be pointing in the wrong direction so that she better learn how to do a head stand for me to drop it in.lol

I make the best of it and try not to hurt anyone in the meantime. Hopefully one day soon she will get it back and I will have to quit coming here and chat with all of you.:icon_cry:

[Guest *Ste***cque**]

Can you have your cake and eat it too? Why not? Cake is meant to be eaten!

 

Kidding aside, you are not as alone as you think. Many folks are in relationships that aren't perfectly balanced. Our imbalance is mostly in the area of sex. Everything else in our marriage is more or less great.

 

After a period of time she knew I was concerned about the lack of sex and she said one day that I could step outside the marriage for sex as long as I followed a few rules. Wear protection and I couldn't see the same woman twice as she was worried about emotional attachments. Of course, I told her I'm fine and not to worry but I did do some research. Dating sites were a disaster as they ALL want a relationship, no matter what their profile says. At least that was my experience. Eventually I found CERB and this works great for taking care of my needs on occasion.

 

I don't feel guilty because to me it's just sex. That's why I'm not really looking for a true GFE in my encounters as I would feel guilty if I started to develop an emotional attachment with another woman. Also, I'm a pretty decent husband in most other aspects and I meet most of her needs.

 

Having said all this, I do feel bad sometimes as I would prefer to have more sex with her. She is drop dead gorgeous and to me, the most beautiful woman in the world.

[SeanieC 120]

I've been married for more than a decade and have only very recently had sex with someone other than my wife for the exact same reason. It is obvious that I do not think you are hypocritical and I agree with RoamingGuy 100% as to the plausibility of seeking relief outside of wedlock if your needs are not met.

However, having made my first visit to a wonderful SP a short while ago, it was painful for me to find out that pure sexual intimacy didn't really do it for me. I will definitely seek the services of SPs again, but I know full well that part of me is yearning for more intimacy with someone who genuinely cares and takes an active interest in my fantasies. I feel very disappointed that it's impossible to find such a level of intimacy with my wife.

[roamingguy 300292]

@ Jabba...I agree with your comments 100 %. What I posted applies equally to husband/wife (or bf/gf, or CL's) My answer was focused more on husbands only because the thread seems focused on husbands in a sexless marriage because their wives choose not to have sex

But while one partner has every right not to have sex and to be celibate, she or he does not have the right to impose celibacy on his/her spouse.

Like I said, find a sexless marriage, at least one person is seeking sex outside the marriage

Thanks

 

RG

[Guest S****r]

This is an article I posted on another site. I offer it here for your consideration/discussion.

 

Will Seeing an Escort Help or Hinder My Marriage?

by Sensuous Summer

February 24, 2014

 

This is a question too personal to one's own unique situation for anyone else to answer, but there are some principles to be taken into consideration.

 

The human heart cries out for intimacy. Intimacy involves, of course, the physical sexual aspect, and also involves the emotional aspect. When one or both of these areas goes unfulfillfed, the human heart tends to cry out that it be fulfilled one way or another. Its very lack leaves us feeling like our existence is unacknowledged and that no one values our worth enough to provide that which will satisfy that longing of the soul. Man(kind) was not created to be alone, and when he (or she) does not experience that intimacy, the need within cries out to be satisfied. Women tend to feel the lack of emotional intimacy keener than the lack of physical intimacy, and therefore are subject to becoming emotionally involved with someone when that need is not met. Men tend to feel the lack of physical intimacy keener than the lack of emotional intimacy. Therefore men are usually more subject to becoming physically involved with someone when that need is not met.

 

In the beginning of a relationship, the intimacy is part of the thrill. Someone knows me. Someone cares about me. Someone cares enough about me to want to know what I am thinking and feeling. Someone is affirming the value of my existence! As time goes on, and life unfolds, that intimacy might grow, might remain strong, or might gradually fade.

 

Perhaps the most conflicting cases are when the partners have already invested years together and created a life with which each of them is to a certain degree (perhaps even a great degree) quite satisfied and happy. The bugger is when one of the two experiences this lack of intimacy to the degree that it affects that one to be tempted to consider finding that intimacy with someone other than his/her spouse.

 

The person struggles with the dilemma--give up all that the two of them have managed to build together to seek out that missing intimacy--or live with that unfulfilled longing for the rest of his or her life? The drive for intimacy is innate and not easily ignored.

 

Many choose to suffer the loss of giving everything up in pursuit of intimacy. Others choose to squelch the longing and live with the sense of loss of intimacy. And others choose to try to do both--stay with their lifelong partner, but find intimacy with another outside that partnership. Some have a secret affair. Some have a series of anonymous encounters. And some seek out the services of an escort.

 

What are the advantages of seeing an escort over having an affair? Some may say that there can be no advantages, but others have discovered differently.

 

Seeing an escort instead of having an affair can help preserve the integrity of the marriage in several ways. An escort will not want to interfere in your private life. Once you close the door and leave your tryst with an escort, she will have no expectations of any kind from you until you book her and come back through her door again. She will not get jealous of your wife, or your family, or of your time spent away from her. She will not turn on you if/when you choose to end it. There will be no threat to expose anything to your partner or family. She will not expect gifts, or time, or attention, beyond the boundaries set by the beginning and end of each encounter. But best of all, your desire for intimacy can be fulfilled, allowing you to remain in a loving relationship with the one with whom you partnered for life, free from resentment and anger over your partner's inabiity to meet your need for intimacy.

 

Will seeing an escort help or hinder YOUR marriage? I can't answer that question, but perhaps as you ponder the thoughts above, YOU can answer that question.

 

I wish you well in your struggle.

Summer

xo

[SolidSnake 912]

Amazing post, Summer! Definitely food for thought.

 

Thanks for sharing that with us!

[mrgreen760 37785]

Individually, we are responsible for the actions we take and to put it on some one else to me is self serving and merely a justification for taking said action. I do this because I want to....simple as that.

 

Peace

MG

[oldblueeyez 15475]

This is a site I read once in a while for kicks and to reinforce my choice of the bachelor lifestyle, but it might help some of you whom are married:

 

http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/

[Ice4fun 78407]

In a word? Yes...

I think the hobby is the best way to prevent divorce as long as you can compartmentalize...

 

I find very sad when I hear about older couples who because the lady doesn't feel like sex anymore ,yes there is a peak at 40 but it seems that it doesn't continue past 60 from what I hear...Expecting a guy to stop having sex because you do not feel like it is cruel and if by seeing outside you can prevent resentment I am all for it...Ideally openly but in my household we have a saying:''don't ask,don't tell'', do not ask a question unless you want to hear the answer...

Have fun and no guilt please?

 

There are as many reasons for a man to see someone outside marriage as there are men... and they often don't relate to sex or the lack of sex. I certainly agree it, would be best if it was all out in the open but realistically that's often not possible so to avoid hurting people you love you keep secrets.

 

Just my Opinion

 

 

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