The Passing Of Time Family Obligations

[Guest N***he**Ont**y]

This year has been a difficult one for me due to an family member who is aging and seems to take up most of my personal time with after care etc. It seems that no matter what I would like to do these situations always seem to over take my own wishes especially over the past few months. How do you others cope with this type of situation and what methods do you use ? I seem to be coming quiet resentful lately and thinking of removing myself from this situation and to tell my siblings to step up to the plate because I don't want to be doing this all the time now.

[cinelli 22184]

I'm in exactly the same situation. My best friend's mom is in a huge house that she cannot take care of so we have to mow her lawn, shovel her snow, do home repairs. She also likes to start things that she has no hope of completing. She started painting a room and she needed us to finish it. Then she decided she didn't like her doorknobs and started taking them off. So I had to go to Home Depot and buy a bunch of replacements and install them.

 

You have to set limits on what others expect and demand of you. Do not be afraid to say no! It took me fifty years to learn to say no but what a difference it makes. It's hard to do this with someone you love.

 

Don't be afraid to confront family members on this either, if they try to guilt you into doing something tell them no, don't waffle around it. Tell them it's time they did something themselves.

[MightyPen 67414]

Yeah, this one is tough. A friend of mine just moved her parents from their lifelong house in the Maritimes to Ottawa because they couldn't live on their own any more. They're in a townhome now, but one parent is deteriorating with Alzheimer's and the burden will only grow greater in the coming months and years.

 

First step is marshalling all of your resources, and that means getting any other local siblings on board with a plan. More distant siblings can contribute cash for supplies. Don't let yourself become the single "dutiful son/daughter" carrying the whole burden and and relieving others of the responsibility. But do make sure to set a meeting and make a plan so this can all be discussed in the open. Nobody gets a free pass because they're "busy" or "busier than X" or "Y has more money than me" -- everyone needs to contribute.

 

And yes, know what your limits are and set them up front. You can't hand your whole life over to another person's welfare, not even a parent.

 

Finally, when health issues start to get in the way, look for local support agencies and home care. There are plenty of (costly) paid agencies looking to fill this role, but for Ontario you might consider starting here:

 

Home, Community and Residential Care Services

[mrgreen760 37785]

I was in the same kinda situation with my Dad before he passed. An older sister and mom had passed and a younger sister wasn't of much assistance so that left me.

 

I approached it as an opportunity as we had never been close and neither thought we were his or my kind of guy. I became his primary care and we spent many hours at Dtrs appointments and hospital stays. I stepped up big time and probably surprised both of us. He never told me himself directly but told every one else how much it meant to him. In the end we had dealt with every thing and left nothing unsaid.

 

It turned out we were each others kinda guys!! I wouldn't trade it for the world. Once he passed I became aware of the time I spent as there was this huge void.

 

Forgiveness is huge as in the end we carry around the anger they don't.

 

Peace

MG

[Bianca Jaguar 39183]

I so understand how you feel...

 

Since my dad passed away last may, my mom was placed in a specical home for Alzeimer patients. My ciblings are wonderful though, specially my younger sister. So when she asks me to be around for a specific rdv for my mom, I can't say no. She is so devoted and yes she lives closer too but even that I'm sure she would overcome that detail. That being said I feel guilty for not visiting more often.

 

My mom now introduces me as her little sister :(...I just smile...

 

I just feel totally drained emotionaly after a visit and I try to go when it's nice out so we can go for a walk. Being around all these people can be very energy draining.

 

Bianca

[peacectryguy 12547]

I completely understand how hard this really is. I went through it with both my dad and mom. You do need a support network to help you with it for sure but not everybody has the ability to deal with these things. The siblings may just not have the tools to deal with it. I don't know, obviously but perhaps there are others outside of the immediate family who you can trust to take some of the burden. It is emotionally and mentally draining on a person and that also takes a physical toll so try to eat well and stay as healthy as possible. Wish you well to get through this.

[Studio 110 by Sophia 150333]

I do know how you feel. I am facing the same scenario in my life these days as well. Perhaps you can hire a care worker 1-2 days a week?

 

Things to remember:

1, you must give yourself 1-2 days off. Do what brings you joy, recharge your batteries. You will find by doing this you will have more to offer of yourself once you fill up your joy again. Give to yourself, so that you can give to others.

 

2, If this is a parent, remember that when you were a child, you also asked to many dumb questions, spilled milk, repeated yourself and told stories that were not real. They had time to listen with patients.

 

3, Don't think of yourself negatively if you get frustrated, you are only human. Feel your emotion, acknowledge it then let it go with a big sigh. In with the good, out with the bad.

 

Best of luck, hope this helped a bit?

[itsnotme09 360]

I did that for a few years. No choice. He passed a year ago. I think I'm still getting used to not having the stress (and extra time). But I gave it my all, did my best and I have no regrets about not having done enough.

 

Hang in there. This too shall pass.

[fortunateone 156618]

This year has been a difficult one for me due to an family member who is aging and seems to take up most of my personal time with after care etc. It seems that no matter what I would like to do these situations always seem to over take my own wishes especially over the past few months. How do you others cope with this type of situation and what methods do you use ? I seem to be coming quiet resentful lately and thinking of removing myself from this situation and to tell my siblings to step up to the plate because I don't want to be doing this all the time now.

 

 

You have to have outside help, you won't be able to rely on sibling help if they don't step up to the plate, you will be the one there waiting. There are services (cut backs not withstanding) that will come in whether once a day or a couple of times a week, where they are responsible for some of the things (in a health care way) that you may not want to be doing.

 

The next stage is organize a schedule for the others. If someone doesn't want to physically be present, and they have the means, they can help by paying for someone to do what needs to be done, taking the load off you. That might be a maid to do heavy cleaning and laundry once a week or so.

 

Then there are the grandchildren ages, find someone who is able and willing. If everyone puts in a couple of hours a week, you can fill the days where it is not just you doing everything.