Maybe I Spoke Too Soon...

[Oil Guy1 230]

Glad to hear it worked out for you - that's great !

Now hopefully she'll know to tell you if there is an issue going on in her life.

Cautionary note though, as a man that has been in and out of the dating scene (from one night stands to long term relationships in amongst a bunch of varying length ) , i would consider that 1 strike against her. And i have a 2 strike rule as opposed to 3 strikes unless i'm with a girl for a long time and know she's worth the effort.

Regardless of what was in her mind, you sound like a good guy and she should have let you know what was going on (without the effort you had to go through).

But regardless - have fun :)

[drlove 37204]

Ok, so here's the situation as it stands right now: Just to refresh everyone's memory, my girlfriend has ongoing issues with depression and adult ADD. Things were going smoothly until the second weekend of October. We spent some real quality time with one another, but even then, there were warning signs that her disorders were acting up again... not having much energy, tired, she felt her brain was slowing down etc.. She also mentioned that she thought her medications weren't working so well anymore.

 

To compound all this, she was feeling very stressed out about some upcoming midterms. I gave her some space over the next while and agreed not to see her so she could focus on her studies. We still kept in contact through text and phone calls. Anyway, I got a text from her about a week ago in the middle of the night, saying that she wished that the midterms would just be over with, asked me how I was and said she missed me, complete with heart symbols etc..

 

That was the last time I've heard from her. I fear this is a repeat of her initial disappearing act, which prompted me to start this thread. Anyway, I've sent numerous texts and a voicemail, trying my best to remain as supportive as possible. I told her that I was worried about her, and asked her more than once to let me know if she was ok, but no response from her. I also said that I could empathize with the stress/pressure she must have been under, and that I would always be there for her if she needed to talk about anything.

 

I also told her how I feel when she stops communicating with me out of the blue... not only do I fear for her safety, but I also feel a bit hurt and neglected since I can't seem to make sense of her seemingly aberrant behavior. I've always felt that a positive relationship is one where there is open communication on both sides. However, that is not the case here. I feel that she should have given me some form of acknowledgement at the very least, even if it was only a sentence. Not knowing what's going on makes the situation worse on my end. Anyway, I asked her to let me know if she still wanted to do something fun last Friday, and if not, I would leave her be until she felt she was ready to communicate again.

 

As I write this, I still have not heard from her. Does anyone have any advice, what I could do, what might be going on with her, how to proceed etc.? I'm at a loss...

 

Thanks!

[fortunateone 156618]

it is very possible it is an exact replica of what happened before: phone died, not paid for, etc. I would stick to one text or phone call daily until it resolves itself, and keep in mind that i assume this is midterm time.

 

as a student paying a phone bill may not always be as easy as for someone who is working.

 

also, my friend has issues with her sim card. Many times trying to reach her, able to leave a message, but there is no ringing, it goes right to vm. texts don't come thru, they arrive only when she is able to reset her phone, which is not easily done. Buying a new one is not going to happen anytime soon.

[oldblueeyez 15475]

Maybe it's a shit test. If she texts you again saying that she misses you and wants to do something together, maybe you should say, "Well honey, I have a date tomorrow but maybe the next day?" Or maybe maintain radio silence and ignore her for a while and let her sweat instead? Or maybe lose her number and move on?

[Hector17 9215]

Or maybe lose her number and move on?

 

There you go

[Guest *l**e]

run like hell!!! That's my advice

[roamingguy 300292]

Maybe it's a shit test. If she texts you again saying that she misses you and wants to do something together, maybe you should say, "Well honey, I have a date tomorrow but maybe the next day?"

 

Just my opinion but this "relationship" doesn't seem too healthy. The lady and you seem to have different expectations . As OBE suggested, if contacted, tell her you have a date planned, but suggest an alternate day/date. It may let the lady realize you have a life too. If she sees you on the alternate date see where it goes. If not, if she seems disinterested, you should move on. Relationships should be mutually beneficial. It seems like this "relationship" is just causing you grief, not any benefit.

Better to break up now if she isn't interested, than continue to grasp at straws at a relationship that isn't meant to be

My two cents

 

RG

[Mikeyboy 27133]

It's clear that she has some mental health issues that she needs to work through. I hope she is seeing a therapist of some sort. It may be that the two of you can work through this together, it may be that you can't. Both of you would have to want that for it to work. You should decide if you have that in you first and foremost. Everything else is a moot point of you do not.

Either way, now is likely not the time to press it when the stress levels are so high. I suspect that this is a similar situation to the last time. You will hear from her again in time. Once things have calmed down, some decisions have to be made about how to proceed and whether or not to proceed together. One thing is for certain that you can't live your life with the possibility of her disappearing on you again hanging over your head.

[MightyPen 67414]

This is a tough one, and you certainly need to ask yourself what you require of a relationship and of your current friend.

 

I'm hesitant to reply because while you've certainly shared some key points, there are a million things I don't know because I haven't been there to grasp the full context. But here are some thoughts about people and relationships.

 

First point: your relationship with this woman will probably always be difficult. She has shared with you that she has a form of mental illness (I'm not using that perjoratively) which she is treating as best she and her doctors can. But such treatments are never perfect. From what you've described you can probably expect these low points, rough patches, and periods of noncommunication to recur from time to time.

 

Second point: hey, we all get to set the boundaries and expectations for our relationships, what we require of our partners and what we will and won't endure. These are individual decisions. If my paragraph above makes you think "yeah, fuck that," that's a perfectly valid and honest response and you should extract yourself.

 

Third point: what's a relationship?

 

If relationships are purely transactional -- "I will put in these things in and I expect you to do or be these other things to my standards, or I walk," then sure. If someone falls below your standards, you walk.

 

But human relationships are also about support and commitment even when things get tough and, at least in patches, may fall below your usual expectations. I know your relationship isn't there yet, but if you *love* someone, then the transactional part becomes very small. Instead you commit yourself to supporting your partner even when he or she is difficult, even uncooperative, and things are hard and frustrating and -- yeah -- kind of crazy. Not that we should make ourselves martyrs, but rather that we should look at our relationships in terms of what we're willing to give, at least as much as what we're expecting to receive.

 

So maybe ask yourself: how much farther than halfway are you willing to go in your relationship with this particular friend? She has some personal challenges, which it sounds like she's been open about. She's been going through stressful times with midterms and maybe she's overwhelmed and can't deal with other human beings right now. For some people, shutting down and withdrawing is the way they cope. It's a primary symptom of depression, or even just flare-ups of introversion.

 

Or hell, maybe it's something entirely different and maybe nastier. I don't know. Neither do you. You have no information about her state of mind or anything else: just silence. In your position, based only on what you've told me, I'd give her time and space, continue to let her know (but not too frequently) that you're still there, and see what happens.

 

But until you hear back, you're deciding based on guesses on what her actions MIGHT mean, without knowing what they DO mean. Hey, sometimes that's all we ever get. And sometimes things do reach a limit. But I'd suggest waiting until you know what's going on, or are reasonably confident you do, before making a final decision.

 

Unless, that is, the prospect of this pattern repeating itself in the future is by itself enough to make you walk. In which case -- hey, your decision is already made, isn't it?

[drlove 37204]

This is a tough one, and you certainly need to ask yourself what you require of a relationship and of your current friend.

 

I'm hesitant to reply because while you've certainly shared some key points, there are a million things I don't know because I haven't been there to grasp the full context. But here are some thoughts about people and relationships.

 

First point: your relationship with this woman will probably always be difficult. She has shared with you that she has a form of mental illness (I'm not using that perjoratively) which she is treating as best she and her doctors can. But such treatments are never perfect. From what you've described you can probably expect these low points, rough patches, and periods of noncommunication to recur from time to time.

 

Second point: hey, we all get to set the boundaries and expectations for our relationships, what we require of our partners and what we will and won't endure. These are individual decisions. If my paragraph above makes you think "yeah, fuck that," that's a perfectly valid and honest response and you should extract yourself.

 

Third point: what's a relationship?

 

If relationships are purely transactional -- "I will put in these things in and I expect you to do or be these other things to my standards, or I walk," then sure. If someone falls below your standards, you walk.

 

But human relationships are also about support and commitment even when things get tough and, at least in patches, may fall below your usual expectations. I know your relationship isn't there yet, but if you *love* someone, then the transactional part becomes very small. Instead you commit yourself to supporting your partner even when he or she is difficult, even uncooperative, and things are hard and frustrating and -- yeah -- kind of crazy. Not that we should make ourselves martyrs, but rather that we should look at our relationships in terms of what we're willing to give, at least as much as what we're expecting to receive.

 

So maybe ask yourself: how much farther than halfway are you willing to go in your relationship with this particular friend? She has some personal challenges, which it sounds like she's been open about. She's been going through stressful times with midterms and maybe she's overwhelmed and can't deal with other human beings right now. For some people, shutting down and withdrawing is the way they cope. It's a primary symptom of depression, or even just flare-ups of introversion.

 

Or hell, maybe it's something entirely different and maybe nastier. I don't know. Neither do you. You have no information about her state of mind or anything else: just silence. In your position, based only on what you've told me, I'd give her time and space, continue to let her know (but not too frequently) that you're still there, and see what happens.

 

But until you hear back, you're deciding based on guesses on what her actions MIGHT mean, without knowing what they DO mean. Hey, sometimes that's all we ever get. And sometimes things do reach a limit. But I'd suggest waiting until you know what's going on, or are reasonably confident you do, before making a final decision.

 

Unless, that is, the prospect of this pattern repeating itself in the future is by itself enough to make you walk. In which case -- hey, your decision is already made, isn't it?

 

Wow, this is an excellent post, Mighty Pen. I think you're absolutely correct here... The first time she went AWOL was at the beginning of the relationship, and I'm ashamed to say that I jumped to conclusions and almost ended it then without knowing the full story. Since then, I've gotten to know her a bit, but at the same time she seemed to have fallen for me. She tells me she loves me, and we have fantastic times when we're together which is great. I certainly don't want to lose that aspect of it, and I realize that she's facing some difficult challenges at the moment, and I totally get that. That's why I gave her all the space she needed/asked for.

 

The puzzling part for me is having her go from hot to cold in an instant. One minute she's sending me texts telling me how much she loves/misses me, and the next she's disappeared off the face of the planet, or so it seems. For me, it makes it very difficult to discern exactly what's going on with her when there's absolutely no communication forthcoming from her side. As a result, I end up feeling frustrated and unsure as to what direction I should take, that's all. I have friends who've said everything from 'give her some more time/space' to 'end the relationship and run like hell'. I know it's probably difficult for her to open up when she's (presumably) in crisis, but at the same time, I wish she could confide in me so we could talk about what's really going on in order to get it out into the open so we can deal with it.

[MightyPen 67414]

Cool, hope my post was useful in some way. Sounds, though, like I've retraced a lot of ground your friends were already telling you.

 

I can understand the frustration of not knowing what's going on, but it's possible that your friend's times of crisis are the very times she's least likely to be able to communicate what's going on with her. It sounds like NOT always knowing is going to be an ongoing aspect of your relationship. So in part, what happens going forward is going to depend on how comfortable you are managing that absence of information.

 

Friends who might tell you "it's not fair for her to do this to you" would be right. But sometimes "unfair" isn't the same as "malicious", especially when the behaviour is to some degree out of her control.

 

But hey -- I don't know. I'm running with just one version of what's going on, but it could be lots of things.

 

Best wishes and good luck.

[pregiudizio 100]

definitely move on. It's not worth the hassle and headache :/

[oldblueeyez 15475]

She says she loves you after being together for only two months or even less?! I'm no expert, but every time a woman told me she loved me way too soon into the relationship, it ended up being a total train wreck in the end! Ha ha, I made it sound like I'm some Don Juan or something, which isn't the case, but it's happened to me a couple of times. And as for her loving you, she's got a damn strange way of showing it.

 

Some antidepressants can make people emotionally numb and aloof, which may be the case here.

[drlove 37204]

 

Friends who might tell you "it's not fair for her to do this to you" would be right. But sometimes "unfair" isn't the same as "malicious", especially when the behaviour is to some degree out of her control.

 

Yes, that's exactly it! I'd like to expand on that a bit... I think I mentioned in one of my previous posts something to the effect of, 'when something happens that reminds you of the past, you may start to believe that you're still living in it.'

 

There was a lady I dated (briefly) a number of years ago. Anyway, we really hit it off, and things were great up until the time I realized she was also dating 10 other guys as well! lol. Anyway, I'd forgotten all about it until this new relationship happened. So, when my present GF disappeared after a few dates, my subconscious automatically (and also wrongly) assumed a similar scenario. Of course, that turned out not to be the case.

 

In any event, I feel I've gotten to know her enough to realize that she's not doing this intentionally, and as you stated - 'the behavior is to some degree out of her control'. Therefore, I'm going to stick it out and see what happens, for better or worse.

 

Thanks again!

[oldblueeyez 15475]

Whatever happens, isn't it great knowing we have this hobby to fall back on? I think it's our duty to enlighten more men about this lifestyle choice. On the other hand, I think it's spoiled the fuck out of me because I can't be bothered to even consider dating anymore, and I'm not even that old and ugly yet.

[Mournie 140]

From what little tangible information is available here, my assessment would be that her behaviour is indicative of "classic" bipolar disorder.

Obviously, we're not seeing the full picture here of exactly what is going on, but you would do well to read up on this particular mental issue. If it starts to ring bells and things start to add up to the right numbers, then you know where you stand.

 

At the end of the day, you're the one that's going to have to make the decision and factor in what sacrifices and commitment you are willing to make for the relationship to work. Best make this decision fully armed with the facts.

 

Handle with care, my friend.

[Guest *Ste***cque**]

You are in a difficult spot, drlove. I could give you some advice to ponder but YOU really need to think about what YOU want from your one and only shot at life. Do you want to spend it dealing with an unstable relationship? That's a long, hard road and at the end of it there is usually resentment. Do you really want to go down it? The longer you put off asking yourself some difficult questions about how you want to live your life, the more entrenched things will become and the harder it will be to extricate yourself.

 

I have a soft spot for people who are hurting but the most effective way to help is when you're purposeful about it and not reacting to someone else's issues. As Mightypen said so articulately, you don't know what's going on with her which can make it difficult to know what to do. He gave you some good advice and only you know what's going on in your head. Sometimes knowing yourself is all you need to make the right choice. Love is a strong emotion. It can lift us up and drag us down, if we let it. What kind do you want?

 

Good luck!

[Cara Silver 32412]

From what little tangible information is available here, my assessment would be that her behaviour is indicative of "classic" bipolar disorder.

 

Oh this hurts my heart.

 

Dr Love, to quote the modern lingo, she doesn`t seem that into you.

 

It's not you, but it's not her either. If a guy was running hot and cold, the answer would probably be that he's not that into the girl.

 

Not that he's bipolar.

 

Whatever her issues, I think you deserve alot better because you're a wonderful guy. Might be time to just move on.

[drlove 37204]

Dr Love, to quote the modern lingo, she doesn`t seem that into you.

 

I don't think that's it... I mean up until she went silent a week ago, we talked all the time, she always told me how much she loved me, missed me, we were having unprotected sex, making plans for the future etc.. That's why this turn of events seemed so sudden and unexpected. I'm sure her disorder(s) had something to do with it, but still... this is quite a change from what I'm used to. I have to say, I don't get it. :(

[Midnite-Energies 110563]

Quite honestly., from your comments now and before, I would say your gf does not have the necessary tools to deal with stress and overwhelm and her reaction is to shut down everything that is not a priority at the moment. . including you. It Doesnt mean she Doesnt love you or want to be with you, it simply means that when theses times hit you go on the back Burner until it passes.

 

 

You have to decide whether the other times are worth these times and whether you can handle not being ab priority at these points. As was said, this is something that, at this point, is out of her hands. Maybe you can help her find someone to teach her how to better handle these situations without freaking out and shutting Down.

 

Only you can decide what it is all worth to you and how much you can deal with. Good luck!

I don't think that's it... I mean up until she went silent a week ago, we talked all the time, she always told me how much she loved me, missed me, we were having unprotected sex, making plans for the future etc.. That's why this turn of events seemed so sudden and unexpected. I'm sure her disorder(s) had something to do with it, but still... this is quite a change from what I'm used to. I have to say, I don't get it. :(

[drlove 37204]

Quite honestly., from your comments now and before, I would say your gf does not have the necessary tools to deal with stress and overwhelm and her reaction is to shut down everything that is not a priority at the moment. . including you. It Doesnt mean she Doesnt love you or want to be with you, it simply means that when theses times hit you go on the back Burner until it passes.

 

 

You have to decide whether the other times are worth these times and whether you can handle not being ab priority at these points. As was said, this is something that, at this point, is out of her hands. Maybe you can help her find someone to teach her how to better handle these situations without freaking out and shutting Down.

 

Only you can decide what it is all worth to you and how much you can deal with. Good luck!

 

I think you're right... upon reflection, this is likely what's happening. For me, the worst part is not knowing for sure... As I said, I tried to keep up communication on my end by way of texts and voicemail messages. I even stopped by her apartment today, but she wasn't home. If I'm not getting a response from her anytime soon, do you think it's reasonable for me to try to catch her after work or after class so I can see her in person and talk to her? Maybe even calling her parents to express my concern about her well being? The reason I ask is that when I ran it by a friend, he said "don't... she may accuse you of stalking her". I feel that's a bit far fetched; after all, I'm just looking for some answers/insight as to how she is. I would have been happy with a one sentence text just to acknowledge me, but I haven't even gotten that. At this point, anything would be preferable to dead silence.

[Guest N***he**Ont**y]

Stay away from the apartment and let her approach you. If she is still interested in you she will contact you. Going by her apartment frequently is showing your own insecurity. It may go into the direction you are hoping for or it may not. Give her some personal space!

[drlove 37204]

Stay away from the apartment and let her approach you. If she is still interested in you she will contact you. Going by her apartment frequently is showing your own insecurity. It may go into the direction you are hoping for or it may not. Give her some personal space!

 

Ok, good advice. (btw... this was the one and only time I've stopped by there unannounced)

[roamingguy 300292]

Stay away from the apartment and let her approach you. If she is still interested in you she will contact you. Going by her apartment frequently is showing your own insecurity. It may go into the direction you are hoping for or it may not. Give her some personal space!

 

Good advice. Also you mention a friend warned you that you could be accused of stalking. You don't want to be accused of that and subject to a police investigation. Right now, think of yourself. If she wants to continue to see you let her contact you. This is a hard situation to deal with.

Are you in love with her, or is she someone you dated and you're wondering where it's headed

Also, not to put a damper on a bad situation, but are you sure she isn't seeing anyone else...she may be playing the field not ready to settle down

Just it sounds to me that it is hard to make plans for the future when just day to day is uncertain. And it sounds like you don't matter to her as much as she matters to you

Good Luck To You

 

RG

[whatsup 11893]

I read a few pages of posts in this thread. Dr Love you should cut the ties that bind this so called relationship. All I can gather is that it totally stresses you out. Time to move on. Quit thinkin' with the lil head. My nickle input!