Monogamy is over-rated

[LisbethNova 5627]

It took me until the age of 30 to finally accept that monogamy is bullshit. In fact, the very idea makes absolutely no sense at all to me and the idea is terrifying.

Now being in the hobby world and seeing a number of lovely married men, I realized just how much monogamy does not work and that many women (and men) are in complete denile that this is something even humanly possible.

From what I have analyzed in my experiences both in and out of the hobby world, majority of people cheat and if they are not already cheating, then they are in one hell of a torturous relationship where they are either in denile about sexuality or have lost interest in sex altogether... or maybe they just play the skin flute to keep their sanity, (my guess is that this is probably VERY true).

Hobbying in my opinion is not cheating, but is simply a release for those stuck in such mongamous relationships. I can honestly say that if my man went and paid for a service, I would find that a hell of a lot less threatening than if he were to be screwing someone from work.I have come to understand that most married gents who hobby probably feel the same way.

I often wish the wives of these gents would see the value in having more sexually open relationships. But I often wonder, if their wives and girlfriends were more open, could these men handle it?

 

What are your thoughts?

[Amber Rose 19012]

I have to disagree to a certain extent.

Yes, naturally we are not monogamous creatures, so open relationships would seem to be a better option for most people, and they've been increasingly popular these days.

 

But by saying that monogamy isn't humanly possible, or that we're in denile by thinking it is, is ignoring all of the many, many couples throughout the years, and ones who are even living now, that are in happy relationships with just each other, and are perfectly content that way.

 

Many of the married men or one's in relationships that come to see us, have reasons why they do. But not everyone cheats, and not everyone would be happy in an open relationship.

 

Every person is different, and their wants and needs are all different too, so while monogamy may not be for a large number of people, neither are open relationships.

 

Personally I'm very much a monogamous person, I would never be able to do an open relationship, which is pretty contradictory of me, I know :P

Then again, as you mentioned, if I were married, I would much prefer if my partner needed to explore other options, that he do so through escorts, where the boundaries are usually pretty clear between both people, rather than starting up a relationship with another women he could potentially move on to(I get jealous like that :P)

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[Kate von Katz 49953]

Monogamy is something that has been pushed on us - mainly be religion - but which is not natural for some people. Even monogamous species of animal have been observed with other mates.

 

I disagree that it's not cheating when you see someone else because it is. UNLESS the two people in a formerly monogamous relationship sat down, talked and agreed that the relationship is no longer monogamous. Then it's not cheating.

 

Furthermore, women - according to many statistics - cheat more than men. So while the husbands are coming to see us, chances are pretty good the wives have their own thing going on on the side. To hold to the old belief that men cheat more than women is naive.

 

Monogamy works for some and it doesn't work for others. The most important thing is to recognize what works for you and what doesn't and don't lie to your partner about it.

 

Polyamory takes a hell of a lot more emotional maturity and communication than you'd think (I know this because 90% of my friends are poly and have a primary and up to two or three secondaries). You have to be honest with yourself, and then be honest with your primary partner when you're discussing what the parameters you are both comfortable with are. Polyamory takes work, but it's for people who want to have multiple relationships, as opposed to the people who use the word "polyamorous" as an excuse to basically sleep around.

 

Polyamory is not sleeping around. It's having multiple relationships. Not flings.

 

There's no one-size-fits-all. Some people just want to be promiscuous. Others want multiple relationships. Others still are happy with one relationship. Heck, some people don't want anything: fling or relationship. It's their life and whatever mess they may make through dishonesty is theirs to clean up.

[LisbethNova 5627]

But by saying that monogamy isn't humanly possible, or that we're in denile by thinking it is, is ignoring all of the many, many couples throughout the years, and ones who are even living now, that are in happy relationships with just each other, and are perfectly content that way.

 

I am not saying it isn't humanly possible, but definitely is not something for everyone which it is always assumed to be standard for society. I come from a family of EXTREME monogamy. i know its possible for some people but definitely not a standard.

[MightyPen 67414]

Yeah... enforced monogamy is the product of a society in which people are viewed as property, and relationships are contracts for that property's disposition.

 

And yup, religion was the moral institution for the longest time and enforced the principle of monogamy with the careful logic of all religious edicts: "because I say so".

 

Now that those kind of external moral guardians are fading away, we're each left to decide for ourselves how we want to live our personal, romantic, and sexual lives. Monogamy is now just one of many choices available.

 

BUT... I think most people would agree that to be ethically poly, you need to be open with your partner; everyone has to be on the same page in order to participate equally as a consenting adult.

 

I'm thrilled to bits that people are exploring this freedom to find what works for them. But at the same time, monogamous relationships are still entirely cool for a lot of perfectly healthy and liberal-minded people. And such voluntary monogamy can be a source of enormous strength when the relationship is healthy, functional, and satisfying. It's all about how particular people are wired up, and what they need and expect from their relationships.

 

We're human beings, and enormously diverse. So those needs, and what it takes to meet them, are naturally all over the map.

[Kate von Katz 49953]

Ah, MightyPen you have succinctly phrased it: enforced monogamy.

 

The roots of marriage were less about love and more about business and survival. Couples married because it was a good move to merge business, acquire "huge tracts of land" (c'mon Monty Python fans.... I know yer here!) and other such things that had absolutely nothing to do with love.

 

Understanding the historical motivations for marriage and the modern romanticized twist it's been given (finding "the one"

watch this video for more on that bullshit concept) is key in understanding why it's become such a prevalent part of our modern mythos and why it's essentially not working anymore.

 

Of course, it also doesn't help that in this day and age, another person is a click away. So we've become a bit more demanding and I dare say narcissistic when it comes time to our expectations from our potential mates.

[Ice4fun 78407]

I kinda think people should have the right to live their life any way they like... if monogamy works for them great if not that's fine to. To each their own.

 

Just my Opinion

[Guest *Ste***cque**]

I'm not sure monogamy is bullshit. That sounds a bit extreme and I don't want to waste my typing trying to alter someone's opinion who is convinced monogamy is not natural. I'll just point out that wiping your ass with toilet paper's not "natural" but it definitely has it's benefits. Same goes for monogamy.

 

This "not natural" argument has always seemed to be an unfair measuring stick in my book. I like challenging myself and striving for things. Most of the time the "natural" inclination is for me to give up and say "I'm just not inclined that way". If I stick with it the benefits usually follow. Our actions may seem "not natural" but it beats accepting the lowest hedonistic denominator philosophy. People may fail at monogamy(me included) but it doesn't mean you should give up on it or there are no benefits.

 

Monogamy has been around since before Christianity so I wouldn't blame religion for discovering it. In fact, the bible seems to be pretty OK with polygamy. I think monogamy came about and has lasted so long because it satisfies some need, whether it's protection or carrying on your genes or allowing less dominant males access to females in exchange for sharing upbringing of offspring. It's hard to answer other than to say it's been around for a long time and you don't see any shotguns at weddings.

 

I'm not against polygamy either. If monogamy is not your thing then who am I to say otherwise. Same goes the other way though.

[LeeRichards 177238]

Confucius say "Some sex good ...... more sex better.....too much just about right !!"

 

 

on a side note ..... Cunfucious also say ....."Smile like tight underwear....make your cheeks go up" :)

[Kate von Katz 49953]

Monogamy has been around since before Christianity so I wouldn't blame religion for discovering it.

 

Who said anything about religion "discovering" monogamy?

[Ice4fun 78407]

While I would agree that organized religion has certainly painted a picture that says that monogamy is the only right way I am not sure sure that religious dogma should be the measuring stick for whether Monogamy is right or wrong maybe it is both.... maybe it is the right thing for some and the wrong thing for others... I kinda feel that's where most organized religions go wrong thinking they know what's right for everyone.

 

I am not a deeply religious person but in my day to day life i have been involved with my church and other community groups who I see involved in adding value to our/my community (btw I define my community very widely)... do I support every thing my church has or will do... of course not... but i do support the positive things they do.

 

So I am a church going CERB member... that does not make me or most of the people I connect with in my religious community right wing zealots who are intolerant of diversity or of everyone's personal rights to choose what they believe for themselves.

 

If monogamy works for you go for it if it is not what is right for you wonderful

 

Just my Opinion

[oldblueeyez 15475]

Now that I'm not in a "committed" relationship, this hobby isn't as exciting.

 

Somebody spank me! :P

[VedaSloan 119179]

The idea that monogamy is natural is bullshit.

 

Until we introduced the idea of romance and one true love and all that crap, marriage was a FINANCIAL arrangement. It had nothing to do with love and everything to do with strategy. The idea that one person can fulfill all your needs is unrealistic and puts undue pressure on people to be everything to someone else.

 

If you are seeing other people outside of your relationship and your partner doesn't know about it, it's cheating.

 

Polyamory may seem like a good option but if you can't communicate in a monogamous relationship, then you are asking for trouble if you try that in a poly one.

[Guest jake_cdn]

Monogamy is a wonderful concept unfortunately it is normally practiced by only one member of a monogamous relationship.

 

"Variety is the spice of life"

[Ice4fun 78407]

The idea that monogamy is natural is bullshit.

 

Until we introduced the idea of romance and one true love and all that crap, marriage was a FINANCIAL arrangement. It had nothing to do with love and everything to do with strategy. The idea that one person can fulfill all your needs is unrealistic and puts undue pressure on people to be everything to someone else.

 

If you are seeing other people outside of your relationship and your partner doesn't know about it, it's cheating.

 

Polyamory may seem like a good option but if you can't communicate in a monogamous relationship, then you are asking for trouble if you try that in a poly one.

 

I agree if you are involved in this hobby and your partner / spouse thinks you are in a monogamous relationship and does not know about your hobbying then you are cheating.... I am not judging that just calling it as i see it.

 

Just my opinion