Husband of a Wife suffering from mental illness

[Happyjack 1090]

So I am 31 years old, newly married and my wife is suffering from long term mental illness. She has always struggled with depression and anxiety but things have really taken a turn for the worst over the last 12 months. She currently on stress leave from work and is seeing a doctor and a psychologist. It all seems to help a bit but no silver bullets yet and things remain hard.

 

Basically living with this is what pushed me to start seeing escorts and massage providers. For the last 12 months everything has fallen on me, cooking, cleaning, caring for the pets, taking her to all her appointments and handling all the money issues that arise from going down to one income. This was all combined with the need to always be the positive one and never, ever show if I am sad or mad about something. Seeing escorts is a break. For an hour every month my life didn't have to be about caring for someone else, it could be about me. I really think that this release was the only way that I stayed sane.

 

Take tonight, we are booking tickets to go stay with some family we have somewhere warm. This is a luxury for us because, as I mentioned, the wife is not working right now. Instead of being happy that we are going to get away somewhere warm, she is depressed and teary that we can't afford to go businesses class.

 

I have no idea how do deal with this. I am doing the best I can not to show anger as it will send her into a depressive episode that could last days. So instead I fake positivity and try to distract her with tea and pet talk. Hopefully her mood improves before we go.

 

Anyway I started this thread because I felt it might help to write about stuff as it happens. I am going to keep adding to it as I feel the need.

[jafo105 39057]

Some things that may be of help for both of you.

• If you can, talk to her doctor's. Some medication only works for a short time for some people. Maybe she needs a medication change.
  
• Some times multiple medications are required.
  
• Exercise is very important for many medications to be most effective.
  
• If you are in the Ottawa area, see if the doctor's can get her a referral to the Royal Ottawa Mental Healthcare Hospital. They have some great in and out patient programs and services. This is covered by OHIP if you do not have private insurance. They even have support services for you.
  
• CBT or Cognitive Behavior Therapy can be a big help, but it takes lots of work on her part.
  
• Believe it or not, getting out of the house for daily walks together would be a big lift to her mood.
  

 

http://www.theroyal.ca/

 

I have suffered from depression and other mental health issues for most of my life. I have been on dozens of different medications before they finally found me a good fit.

[Kathryn Bardot 99339]

This was all combined with the need to always be the positive one and never, ever show if I am sad or mad about something. Seeing escorts is a break. For an hour every month my life didn't have to be about caring for someone else, it could be about me. I really think that this release was the only way that I stayed sane.

 

Take tonight, we are booking tickets to go stay with some family we have somewhere warm. This is a luxury for us because, as I mentioned, the wife is not working right now. Instead of being happy that we are going to get away somewhere warm, she is depressed and teary that we can't afford to go businesses class.

 

I have no idea how do deal with this. I am doing the best I can not to show anger as it will send her into a depressive episode that could last days. So instead I fake positivity and try to distract her with tea and pet talk. Hopefully her mood improves before we go.

 

Denying or lying about your feelings is only a temporary fix, and, as you've said, is causing you additional stress. Would you consider a couple's therapy session, with the aim to help both of you communicate more effectively?

 

It can be exhausting to be the sole support, whether that is physically, emotionally, and/or financially, whether the causes are physical or mental illness. It's okay to have these feelings. It's okay to take care of yourself. There is support out there for both you as a family member, and your wife. In Ottawa we have the Psychiatric Survivors of Ottawa, which is peer-led and offers supports to both individuals experiencing mental health issues and their family members (WRAP programs and peer support). They also have quite a number of links to supports like the Mood Disorders Support and CMHA.

As Jafo has said, there is also the Royal Ottawa, which can be an excellent resource, but usually does have a long waiting list for referrals. If that is something you might be interested, it is always easier to get on the waiting list and change your mind or not need it later, than to try and get that support when you or your wife is in crisis.

 

There is also the Mental Health Crisis Line (613-722-6941) and the Distress Centre Line (613-238-3311).

 

Good luck :)

[oldblueeyez 15475]

I don't have much advice for you other than to take things very slowly and think about how your life might be if kids were in the picture and plan accordingly.

[henryporter 1836]

I hesitate to ask this because it might seem insensitive.

 

But I can't make a connection between depression and anxiety and not travelling business class.

 

Unless you are used to it how would it cause you to worry about it.

 

I'm not being judgemental here. Just trying to learn.

 

The OP seems to have a good handle on things and appreciates his monthly diversion to keep him going.

 

Do your best Jack, and stay strong.

[cyclo 30131]

I hesitate to ask this because it might seem insensitive.

 

But I can't make a connection between depression and anxiety and not travelling business class.

 

Unless you are used to it how would it cause you to worry about it.

 

I'm not being judgemental here. Just trying to learn.

 

The OP seems to have a good handle on things and appreciates his monthly diversion to keep him going.

 

Do your best Jack, and stay strong.

 

Most cases of depression and/or anxiety have a biochemical basis that affects brain functioning. In other words your brain does not allow you to think and feel as you would normally. Worrying, brooding or being anxious about small or normal things in daily life is one symptom of depression and/or anxiety. You can't "just get over it" and move on.

 

A healthy person would not necessarily become unreasonably upset about whether or not they're travelling business class. They may prefer business class, but if they can't afford it, it's not a big deal. On the other hand, a person who is already ill with depression and/or anxiety may obsess about travelling business class regardless of whether or not they've ever experienced business class before. The illness can lead to seemingly irrational thoughts and behaviours.

 

When evaluating a person for depression/anxiety, a rating scale is used to determine the severity of the illness' symptoms on daily life. The ratings range from "no impact in daily life" to "debilitating impact on daily life". When the ordinary routines or challenges of daily life cause more severe symptoms, that indicates a more debilitating occurrence of depression and/or anxiety.

[oldblueeyez 15475]

This is way out in left field, but there's been chatter about magic mushrooms

successfully treating depression and anxiety. As for their safety, this chart pretty well sums it up:

 

 

I've never tried them, but I'm seriously considering it.

 

Also consider that postpartum depression could drive her to further, unprecedented lows should you one day decide to have kids; the consequences could be tragic beyond belief.

[Kathryn Bardot 99339]

Also consider that postpartum depression could drive her to further, unprecedented lows should you one day decide to have kids; the consequences could be tragic beyond belief.

 

This is the second time you've mentioned children and PPD, is there a reason why you keep referring to potential consequences to children? From what I've read, this is not the OP's concern at the moment. I don't think it's especially beneficial to the discussion, either, or to the stigma that is attached to parents who have mental health issues.

Yes, PPD is risk factor for new parents, both male AND female. But if someone has previously been diagnosed with depression, and decides to try for a pregnancy, chances are very good that they will be aware of the risks and their GP/OB-GYN will follow closely. The real risk is when people go under the radar; that is, they have not previously been diagnosed with a mental illness, and so their "baby blues" are often written off as just that, and not taken as a mental health concern. Another risk factor is when people hide or brush off their symptoms due to the stigma of mental health, especially PPD and what we see in the media (note: highly sensationalized, and really, we only see it reported when something tragic happens. Many folks have PPD and don't harm their children).

[Boomer 33202]

I am sympathetic to your plight as I was a care giver to my wife for a number of years. As you indicated a recent marriage I have to assume rightly or wrongly that you were aware that your wife had issues prior to taking the vows. I've always believed that one of the benefits of marriage is the commitment to look after each other in sickness and health. One of the biggest surprises I had following my wife's death, was when one of her sisters (A nurse in residential care) approached me and thanked me for staying the course, she had seen many patients abandoned.

 

As for mental health issues I really don't feel qualified to advise. You really have to have respite for yourself now and then and hopefully you can recruit other family members of spell you. Sometimes if drug regimes are involved it can take a long time as it's fairly trial and error while they find the right cocktail.

 

Good luck.

[oldblueeyez 15475]

This is the second time you've mentioned children and PPD, is there a reason why you keep referring to potential consequences to children?

 

(Second time I've mentioned children; I mentioned PPD once.)

 

Well, if you want frank then here's frank. They don't have the financial nor emotional capacity at the moment to have a kid, so whatever he does, don't get her pregnant until she either gets better or he abandons ship.

 

Depressed or not, that princess attitude will wear pretty damn thin as time goes by, so make sure she learns to suck it up and fly economy class without throwing a shitfit. Tiptoeing around her feelings for the rest of your life out of fear of sending her into a depression is no way to live. That gives her the upper hand, control, and you'd better believe she'll use it. I know a married couple wherein the woman uses her depression to manipulate her husband; not pretty.

 

If she hasn't tried meds yet, pursuade her. There are lots of them out there; have her try them until she finds one that works. It's not just her sanity at stake but yours too. If she refuses to try meds then it's ultimatum time. If a lack of luxury saddens her, tell her that once she meds up and gets better then she can get back to work and you two can enjoy some extravagances together.

 

You're a much better man than I and I hope it works out for you. But don't bring a child into the scenario until you're sure it's what you really want for the rest of your life. It's too late once you're chained down. 50% of marriages end in divorce and an unstable ex-wife has the potential to make fatherhood very miserable for you.

 

I've been taking an AD for quite some time now (as they say, depression is the common cold of mental illnesses, so tell her to med up or shut up), I've pulled the plug on more than one major relationship because of bullshit drama, and I have kids, so take my advice for what you think it's worth. If I were talking with a buddy over beers in his shed, I'd say the same thing to him.

[oldblueeyez 15475]

RCMP negligent in parental abduction, father claims

 

 

 

Woman gets postpartum blues, abducts infant and flies to Australia, zero fucks given for father. RCMP detained her but let her go anyway; if it had been a man abducting his child, he'd be sitting in jail now facing charges.

 

You're struggling now; don't make it worse by bringing a baby into the scenario until things are oki-doki.

 

I personally wouldn't bring any more children into the world because they'll be battling artificial intelligence within their lifetime, and the AI will likely win.

[stewie15 310]

This is a tough thing to deal with. Been there.

 

Unfortunately there is still a lot of stigma and ignorance about depression and anxiety even among healthcare providers but it is far more common than most people realize.

[Serena Blake 14066]

Well she is a very lucky woman to have a strong man like you.

I struggle with simular issues. Usually when anyone sees me anything but happy they just stop coming around.

I know its not easy being depressed for no actual reason. {Is how I put it} I mean because I'll get upset over the smallest stupidest things sometimes but I know that's not WHY I'm depressed. Its just the trigger to unlock a hole world of black swirling emotions and thoughts to suck me in.

I'm sure on the other side it has to be real hard to watch this happen to someone you care about. and not actually be able to do anything but offer tea or a hug.

for example Not being able to afford business class Could remind her of how she isn't working right now which unlocks feeling useless because she's unable to help with the bills, ect

 

now that being said. It takes Hard work to get better.

I have a slight improvement from where I was personally last year.

Through Thearpy every 2-3 weeks regular follow ups every 2 months with my dr. medication, meditation, Regular exercise {Shaun T's} and staying away {the best I can} from any processed foods. I also have a day planner that I keep track of my moods in.

But still I can have days that it doesn't work either though.

Luckily cut down to a day or two at a time instead of a week to a month at a time.

 

I also think they have group or counselling for spouses and family of people with mental illness. Some counclers as well don't mind doing some couples sessions.

Your Emotions are just as important to be able to be expressed

[jg24 3708]

[

 

 

 

 

Well I believe you are out of line. Katherine asked a question that's all and the OP is asking you to tell him to Med up his wife.

 

Obviously you have never suffered from depression. You have no clue what it is like I have been suffering for 9 months now so many different meds that are not helping so Meds are not the answer to end all until you live in our shoes maybe with hold your comments because I'm sure they have not helped the OP and sure have irrated me

 

 

 

QUOTE=oldblueeyez;664700](Second time I've mentioned children; I mentioned PPD once.)

 

Well, if you want frank then here's frank. They don't have the financial nor emotional capacity at the moment to have a kid, so whatever he does, don't get her pregnant until she either gets better or he abandons ship.

 

Depressed or not, that princess attitude will wear pretty damn thin as time goes by, so make sure she learns to suck it up and fly economy class without throwing a shitfit. Tiptoeing around her feelings for the rest of your life out of fear of sending her into a depression is no way to live. That gives her the upper hand, control, and you'd better believe she'll use it. I know a married couple wherein the woman uses her depression to manipulate her husband; not pretty.

 

If she hasn't tried meds yet, pursuade her. There are lots of them out there; have her try them until she finds one that works. It's not just her sanity at stake but yours too. If she refuses to try meds then it's ultimatum time. If a lack of luxury saddens her, tell her that once she meds up and gets better then she can get back to work and you two can enjoy some extravagances together.

 

You're a much better man than I and I hope it works out for you. But don't bring a child into the scenario until you're sure it's what you really want for the rest of your life. It's too late once you're chained down. 50% of marriages end in divorce and an unstable ex-wife has the potential to make fatherhood very miserable for you.

 

I've been taking an AD for quite some time now (as they say, depression is the common cold of mental illnesses, so tell her to med up or shut up), I've pulled the plug on more than one major relationship because of bullshit drama, and I have kids, so take my advice for what you think it's worth. If I were talking with a buddy over beers in his shed, I'd say the same thing to him.

[Fresh start 17467]

I think the best advice I can give you is to remember to take care of yourself first. As hard as that may seem. You are no good to her or yourself if you become sick. If hobbying once a month helps you do it.

 

My wife got really sick, doctors had no clue what she had. It got to the point where I thought she was going to die. I know what it's like to worry and stress about the one you love. To have the financial burden and responsibility to take care of the person you love. All the extra obligation and trying to stay strong just for the sake of your wife. Putting Your wife needs first and pushing aside your true feelings. The worse my wife got the worse I got. Like her pain was my pain. I didn't take care of myself and I eventualy broke. I developed mental Heath problems to the point were I tried to kill myself before realizing I need to look after myself first.

 

I've been on several different medication some didn't work and others I can't do the side effect. I'm lucky that I am able rationalize my thought and and emotions. There are days I wish I were dead or feel completely worthless. Whatever I'm feeling or whatever thoughts that go through my head I ask myself if these are rational normal thought that I would feel or are the causes be my mental illness? Your wife may not be able to do that but you can. Next time your wife says or does something that you get hurt by ask yourself, is this something she would of said before? Or is this atributed by her illness? Try talking to her, and couples councilling may benefit you both. If she's not willing perhaps just yourself it's nothing to be ashamed of and can help you. You don't have to be sick to talk to someone. Again I made that mistake myself.

 

The one thing that's really helped me is this hobby. Being held by a woman make me feel like someone cares about me and Like I'm not worthless. In those moments it's like all those emotional pain and physical pain caused by my mental illness goes away, even if it's only for that short bit. I often use those memories on hard days that I can still fell normal and pain free, that is my hope that I hold on to.

 

Hope can be a very powerful thing, even if it's given through the simplest actions. If you can provide that for your wife it may help here. Remember she may not realize how much you care for her, despite all the extra thing you do to support her. Sometimes it may be easier just to tell her.

 

Best of luck to you and your wife.

[oldblueeyez 15475]

Obviously you have never suffered from depression. You have no clue what it is like I have been suffering for 9 months now so many different meds that are not helping so Meds are not the answer to end all until you live in our shoes maybe withhold your comments because I'm sure they have not helped the OP and sure have irritated me

 

Hello: "I've been taking an AD for quite some time now"

Perhaps it was too much Leonard Cohen and The Cure which sent me into a perpetual melancholy, but I've been on an AD for 15 years now and it's great stuff! The particular one I'm on is an atypical AD and it works quite well. So well, in fact, that in initially adjusting to it my inhibitions were significantly lowered

(ah, the memory of stripping on the dance floor to "Rock DJ" lol)

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0zyQQwBGAx0

 

By the way, if you're irritated then that means your thinking has been challenged and my job is done.

 

 

The one thing that's really helped me is this hobby. Being held by a woman make me feel like someone cares about me and Like I'm not worthless. .

 

 

Nobody is worthless; think about the prices your organs could fetch on the black market! :P

But seriously, nobody can make you feel worthless but yourself. Once you realize that the world is your oyster!

[Serena Blake 14066]

[

 

 

 

 

Well I believe you are out of line. Katherine asked a question that's all and the OP is asking you to tell him to Med up his wife.

 

Obviously you have never suffered from depression. You have no clue what it is like I have been suffering for 9 months now so many different meds that are not helping so Meds are not the answer to end all until you live in our shoes maybe with hold your comments because I'm sure they have not helped the OP and sure have irrated me

 

 

 

 

BPD depression and anxioty my whole life.

they've put me on Everything from Ritalin to Celexa and back again.

Meds can help but they are not the cure. I myself become immune to a medication if im on it to long.

So I KNOW I definitely didn't tell the OP to drug up his wife.

 

I said HARD WORK meds therapy fitness meditation and healthy eating.

and through a complete lifestyle change.

I know my dr says thing like this are never Cured, but it can be managed.

 

and for all you people saying "thank god you have no kids"

now that is rude.

Yes it is true she may not be emotionally ready for pregnancy or children at the moment. with lots of hard work she/they may be if that is a goal they want to work towards.

But again they would have to master the peaceful healthy living because you can't really take meds while pregnant it can harm the fetus.

but there is a process of slowly coming off meds before getting pregnant.

So BIG DEAL, their pregnancy would have to be a planned one.

IT DOESN'T NOT MEAN SHE WOULDN'T BE FIT TO BE A MOTHER!!!!

and I think its beyond rude for anyone to say that!!

[Guest **cely***r***ne]

My dear OP,

Kudos for you and having the strength thus far to try your very best to help your wife!

Depression is like quick sand..you get caught in a swirling storm of emotions and you can't understand any of it. And as a result of that things only worsen. For many years I struggled. All anyone wanted to do was drug me..I didn't want drugs. I wanted someone to understand, or try too. And it seems this is what you are trying!

 

Tell her you understand, that you understand her needs. Emotional support is worth more and does more than any pill.

Praise her strengths but not too make her feel as if she's been weak. This gives her hope..at least it did for me. And from that hope I grew strength. And from the strength I realized I could beat depressions arse and keep it at bay. I am bigger than it.

 

I haven't been medicated for over 5 years and I never will be again!

 

She only needs help realizing she is strong enough to beat it. Depression makes you feel worthless. The anxiety makes you terrified to be anything...its a hard battle but it is not u defeatable!

 

Time. Its easy to say but no one will ever understand just how long it feels to take...but it will be worth it in the end! "Just keep swimming"

 

You got this darling..and she will too!

[Serena Blake 14066]

Oh ya I know that post wasn't about me I was just commenting.

[oldblueeyez 15475]

You know something. I knew a guy, fucker was 6'3" at least and

had to be close to 300 pounds of solid muscle, and a good looking

guy, young, late 20's. I'd look at him and think, "You lucky fucker!"

 

Then he confided to me, "I have terrible anxiety and I'm trying my

best to deal with it." Totally baffled the fuck out of me.

 

Can happen to anybody.

 

I haven't been medicated for over 5 years and I never will be again!

 

Wish I could say the same, but then I love my drugs (booze, cigs, and AD).